Jester (Man x Man) ✔

30) g o o d b y e s

"Is there anyone you haven't fucked?" Benjamin knew it was a mistake as soon as the words left his lips, but he only noticed how big of a mistake it was once Eli looked at him like he had just slapped — no, stabbed — him. Then, when Eli turned his head, his entire body tensing up and closing his eyes, Benjamin knew he had fucked up royally. 

"Shit, sorry." Benjamin gasped, staring at Eli with wide eyes when his body started shaking and his breathing turned shallow. "Breathe, please, Eli, breathe." 

When it had no effect, like Eli couldn't even hear his words, he tried touching his shoulder. But Eli flinched away, starting to get up and leave. Benjamin couldn't let him go like that, so he got up and ran after him. 

"Eli, wait, I'm sorry." Benjamin called after Eli, letting the door swing shut behind him. Eli halted, taking his time before turning to face Benjamin. Tears were running down his cheeks and there was a haunted look in his eyes. He had never looked more hurt, more broken. Seeing that made Benjamin's heart clench and the words came out of his mouth pleadingly: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. It just slipped, I'm sorry." 

Eli walked to him, embracing Benjamin tightly. He suppressed a sob, gripping the fabric of  Benjamin's shirt desperately. "Why didn't you just kick me out? It was already over between us the moment I told you what I did." 

"No, Eli, don't say that." Benjamin's heart started throbbing as panic built up in his body. He hugged Eli back just as tightly, just as desperately. 

"You can't forgive me and I can't bear to see you hurt.." Eli's voice cracked, forcing him to pause before he said the words Benjamin had dreaded: "I'm setting you free, okay? Find someone who can make you smile and who will treasure you like I should have. Find someone who deserves you. I love you, but I can't make you happy, so I have to let you go." 

"Eli, please don't do this." Benjamin cried. He held Eli even tighter, refusing to let him go. "Please. I'm sorry I said that, I don't care who you've been with. I love you. Please, Eli, I'll do anything.." 

"I can't, I'm sorry." Eli whispered, taking Benjamin's hands in his and pushing them away. He took a few steps back, looking at Benjamin with agony in his eyes, before turning his back to him. Then he walked away, leaving Benjamin staring after him. 

It took a long while before Benjamin could make himself move. His arms and legs felt heavy, unwieldy, like he was rooted on the spot where Eli left him. He could barely breathe, but he wiped away the tears with the back of his hand and turned to face the entrance of FAB again. Benjamin felt like his consciousness had been ripped away. His body kept moving, but his mind was swiped blank. 

"You need to stop doing that." Benjamin was pulled back to the surface — or somewhere near it — when Steven gripped his wrist, forcing him to stop before reaching their table. 

"I know, I know." 

"You have talked about it, right?" Steven continued, still not letting go of Benjamin's hand. 

All Benjamin could think of was: Eli is gone. He couldn't open his mouth to answer Steven's question, so he just stared at him questioningly. 

"Eli told me he doesn't remember what happened to him." Steven explained in a composed manner. 

"What are you talking about?" Benjamin sighed, feeling run-down and utterly hopeless. All he wanted was to be left alone, but Steven didn't take the hint. 

"Eli had half a glass that night and blacked out. When he woke up, he was lying in some room and his clothes were gone." There was burning urgency in Steven's eyes, when he desperately tried to make Benjamin understand. 

"What?" Benjamin asked, now fully aware of his surroundings. He had to lean on a nearby table when his legs threatened to give away under him. The room was spinning and the bright neon signs hurt his eyes. 

"Eli didn't cheat on you. I think he was raped." Steven wiped away the tears from his eyes in one frustrated movement. "So could you please stop torturing him already?" 

"No, he wasn't. That's not true." Benjamin closed his eyes and shook his head fiercely. He wanted to keep the realization from crushing him to the ground. All the signs he had chosen to ignore over and over again, all his doubts. He shook his head again, feeling color draining from his face. No. Steven had gotten it all wrong. 

"Benjamin." Steven emphasized, placing his hands on Benjamin's shoulders. He had never looked graver than he did then: "He was." 

"Fuck." Benjamin breathed and started to fumble for his phone with trembling hands. He was so above himself that he tried the wrong pocket, the one he never had his phone in. His fingertips brushed against something small and angular, and he pulled the object to his palm. 

"Oh no." It was Eli's golden cross necklace. The one he never took off, the only thing he had left from his family. It wasn't something you give someone in a breakup, it was something you gave away when you were saying goodbye. 

"Fuck no.. I need to.. I.."

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I'm so thankful for the support I've gotten lately, I feel like I can't tress it enough. I've written the next chapter already, so I think I might as well post it shortly. :) Anyway, now I'm off to my third vaccination.. yikes.