Jester (Man x Man) ✔

35) t e n d i n g s

The following weeks, as the days grew longer and warmer, Benjamin worked from home as much as he could. When he had to go to the office, he always hurried home afterwards.

Eli, who insisted on not needing to be babysat, had gotten used to having someone around most of the time anyway. Steven was there the most, and sometimes Benjamin came back from work to find Dam-Bi, Shirley, Ash and Brandon keeping them company. Even Judith took her time to look after Eli, and one day she admitted to Benjamin that she had been wrong about Eli.

Benjamin wasn't sure whether Eli was getting better, but he knew he was trying his best. He had gotten new antidepressants and once a week he had counselling. He seemed weary and slept during the days, but he had gotten into a habit of getting up and having breakfast with Benjamin in the mornings.

One evening they sat in the living room and Benjamin asked Eli what had changed so that he could get up from bed again. Eli paused the movie and took his time to think about the answer. 

"It's going to sound stupid, so don't laugh." He warned before explaining: "I want to feel like I have a reason to get up from the bed. I want my coffee not to taste bitter, I want it sweet and rich like life should be. I want to open the curtains and smile when rays of sunshine fill the room. I want to feel like it matters to someone whether I get up or not. And I know it matters to you, so I keep getting up and I keep doing these things every morning until my coffee doesn't taste bitter and I can smile at the sun."

Then, when Benjamin grew quiet, Eli sighed: "No need to get all weird about it, just forget I said anything."

"Are you kidding me?" Benjamin cupped Eli's face with his hands and kissed him until they were out of breath. He lay on his back, pulling Eli to lie down on the couch with him and they kissed again — and again and again. 

Only then Benjamin continued: "You should be a poet. The way you talk sometimes.. It's enchanting."

"Enchanting? It's you who's kidding." Eli started laughing.

••••

Eli's restless movements and the way his breathing hitched woke Benjamin up. The drowsiness washed away from his body when he pulled Eli in a tight embrace and tried to soothe him by stroking his back. 

"No, no.. no.." Eli mumbled so quietly it was barely a whisper. Benjamin told him he was safe and that all he needed to do was wake up, but Eli started struggling in his embrace. 

"Eli, wake up. You need to wake up." As Eli started withering even more and trying to punch and claw Benjamin, he had to pin his arms on his sides. He thought about letting go, as the touch seemed to distress Eli, but he was afraid they would both get hurt if he did. 

Eli kicked Benjamin's leg and tried to break free from his hold. When he couldn't, he started panting, his body trembled and a sheer layer of sweat covered his skin. He was mumbling and occasionally let out a low sob. 

"Wake up, Eli." Benjamin demanded, louder this time. He was at loss whenever Eli got like that, and it pained him when he didn't know how to help. He would have given anything to take the nightmares away. 

Eli's eyes darted open and for a moment he just stared at Benjamin, but then he pushed him away roughly. So roughly Benjamin almost fell off the bed, a surprised yelp escaping his mouth. 

"Get off me." Eli shouted, before blinking and finally seeming to realize where he was and who he was yelling at. His eyes widened even more, until his face became distorted and he buried his head on his hands that were resting on his lap. He pulled his hair when he breathed: "Fuck, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." 

"It's okay, I'm fine." Benjamin reached out for Eli, but he pushed his hand away. 

"Don't." Eli didn't quite manage to suppress the sob and it came out sounding strangled. "I'll just end up hurting you again." 

"No, you won't." Benjamin promised, sat up on the bed and pulled Eli in his embrace. 

"I can't do anything right.. God, I hate myself so much." This time Eli didn't try to push Benjamin away. "I'm fucking pathetic, that's all. You could get anyone, and I'm the only thing standing in your way. You should just kick me out, you should.. you.." 

Benjamin could hear from Eli's voice that he meant every word, that he believed all of it. And it hurt, making Benjamin's heart clench with raw pain. For a while Eli didn't say anything, he just cried and clutched Benjamin's shirt with his hands. 

"I don't get it. All I do is hurt you. Why would you want to stay with me? Are you still just obsessed with seeing me breathing?" Eli didn't mean the words to cause Benjamin pain, but they did. 

"Eli, stop. That's not you talking, it's depression." Benjamin pleaded. "I'm not with you just to see you're still breathing. I mean, sure, I'm terrified that one day you might not be, but that's not the reason I'm sticking with you." 

Benjamin moved further from Eli, so that he could look at him. He swiped away some of the tears while answering Eli's gaze with similar intensity. Then he brought their foreheads together, his hand resting on the nape of Eli's neck, just below his hairline. 

"You talk like I was too good for you, but I'm really not. I get jealous and I obsess over things. I doubt myself all the time and I have no idea how to make you feel better. In fact, I think you are too good for me." Benjamin chuckled. "Have you got any idea how loved you are? You're smart and funny and oh god that smile of yours. You are freaking amazing, Eli." 

"Oh, yes you are." Benjamin repeated as Eli shook his head slightly and lowered his gaze until his eyes were almost shut. "I know you can't see it right now, but it's the truth." 

"The reason I'm staying with you is that I love you. And when I say I love you, I mean that I'm deeply, madly and hopelessly in love with you." Benjamin admitted. "I have enough love for two, and I'll keep on loving you for the both of us until you can love yourself again." 

"Mh." Eli nodded slowly, closing his eyes when more tears ran down his cheeks. Benjamin kissed his forehead, gently guiding him back under the covers and pulling him in his arms again. 

It took a long while before Eli fell back asleep. Benjamin didn't think he could do the same, not after the scare Eli had given him. Instead he kept looking at the person sleeping in his arms, ready to drive away the nightmares if they tried to come back. 

He remembered something Eli had told him after his first counselling. The therapist had concluded straight away that Eli's problems hadn't started that night in FAB, and that in order to get better Eli needed to go back to the roots of his pain. During those small hours an idea formed in Benjamin's mind: what if they could actually go back to Eli's roots? 

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I don't know if this chapter is any good, but oh well..