Jester (Man x Man) ✔

6) c o n f e s s i o n s

Benjamin wasn't sure why he felt the way he felt — wounded, wistful and disappointed — when he knew from the beginning not to get his hopes up. He knew one-night stands rarely lead anywhere, and he had thought that was exactly what he needed. 

But then there had been the bringing back to life occurrence, the hospital visits and another night together.. and a small part of him had started to build up some sort of a future between them two. Benjamin knew Eli wasn't okay and that if they had ended up together, it wouldn't be a bed of roses. And although a messy relationship was the last thing he needed at the moment, that small part of him whispered: with Eli it would have been worth it.

Benjamin had felt low, if not even broken hearted, ever since Eli told him they shouldn't see each other again. But then days turned to weeks and as life went on, the feelings began to abate. The rain cloud that had been hanging above his head had stopped pouring and even a tiny ray of sun could be seen through the grey mass.

He had his friends and a job he loved. He had his writings waiting for him when he came back home, and it didn't matter that the words were still about Eli. He had Manfir and an apartment with a beautiful view over the city. There was so much to be grateful for. 

Benjamin knew that sometimes people fell in love or found the person they were supposed to fall in love with, and that it didn't always work out for the best. He knew what it was like to be heartbroken over the could have beens: the inaccessible lovers, the lost opportunities and the abandoned dreams. The ways his life could have turned out, if he had turned left instead of right.

That was one of the tough revelations of life: you can't have it all. To get something, you need to give up something else. 

Eli and Benjamin just weren't meant to be, and Benjamin had no other options than to move on. Yet, just as the pouring rain had turned to partly sunny, he had bumped into Eli again and all the feelings had rushed back to his awareness. 

The hazel eyed guy had looked different wearing a grey mesh polo shirt, an apron and blue trousers instead of leather jacket and cargo pants. When Eli had made the coffee, Benjamin had studied the movements of his hands intensively. He hadn't been wearing rings and his fingers were long and narrow. The hands of an artist.

The longing look was back in Eli's eyes and he seemed weary, which made Benjamin worry he was slipping back to his old ways. Not that it was something Benjamin should have troubled his mind about, after all it had been Eli's decision to end whatever was going on between them. 

Benjamin had wanted to ask Eli if he was okay, but then someone started shouting and demanding Eli's attention. Just like that the moment had passed and Eli had hurried to see why he was being yelled at. Again, it seemed. 

It was late, well past midnight, when Benjamin was awoken by his phone that was blaring on the bedside table. He groaned, covering his ears with his pillow and contemplated whether he should just let it ring. Then he realised that if someone called so late, it usually was because of an emergency. The thought made Benjamin sit up promptly and he snatched his phone from the table.

"Eli? What's wrong?" He breathed as soon as he lifted the phone to his ear. He could hear music in the background, so at least Eli wasn't.. what? Home alone? Downing a bottle of pills? In the hospital?

"It's Steven. Dempsey." He sounded drunk. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah.. So, what's the emergency?" Benjamin asked, rubbing his eyes and trying to shed the last remnants of sleep.

"Could you, um, come and get Eli home?" Steven was drunk, but something about his tone made Benjamin realise he was worried.

"Why me?" Benjamin hesitated. Surely they had other friends — the ones Eli actually wished to keep seeing — they could ask to drive them home if they had one too many on a Friday night.