Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 5

"Coffee!" Toby announces on Sunday morning, which, let me tell you, is not the way I want to be woken up after a night of loud music and listening to Toby vomit into his trash can.

"So loud," I grumble, turning over in my small twin bed.

Our dorm is dark, the only light coming from the slit in the black-out curtains over our window.

I turn to see Toby's silhouette. He's sitting in his bed, stretching his neck, and I just know he's smiling at me.

"Coffee!"

He's the one that got trashed last night, and he's as fucking chipper as a bird. I groan.

"Of course they stuck me with the morning person." I sit up and head over to the sink in our bathroom to wash my face. "It's like some joke is being played on me by the universe."

As I bend over the sink, a pillow hits me in the back, followed by laughter.

I flip him off.

After we get dressed, we head out for coffee. Toby's bouncing around and singing a song he made up about his love for 'bean juice'.

"You're ridiculous." I shake my head at him but smile.

"You love me."

"I don't even know you."

He stops walking to stare at me. His head is tipped to the side as he studies me. He tugs on one of his long dreads before nodding and saying, "We're going to be besties, just wait."

Of course, I can't help but think of Alan, my best friend since middle school. The one I pulled away from when things got too heavy. I couldn't handle the pity in his eyes every time he would visit me in SunnySide, so I cut him off.

Yeah, I know, I'm an asshole. And fuck, do I miss him.

So many times I have reached for my phone to call or text him. I want to tell him about Westbrook, and the party, and Abel Ryan's cheekbones. I want to tell him that I'm so fucking sorry for pulling away after my parents died and I spiraled into a black hole of despair.

"You okay, Jess?" Toby asks.

I nod stiffly. "Yeah, man."

Toby purses his lips like he doesn't believe me, but doesn't say anything. He slings his arm over my shoulder, and we continue to walk. His silent presence makes me feel a little better, but I still feel like I'm missing the piece of my heart that Alan used to fill.

It's right next to the hole that Benjamin occupied, but I'm definitely not going to think about that right now.

The coffee shop is packed when we arrive. People we met at the party greet us half-heartedly with hung-over nods and waves.

Toby orders his latte bullshit, and I get tea and a glass of water. The barista smiles and tells me he likes my piercings as I hand him my ID card with my food funds.

After we get our drinks, we find a couple of overstuffed chairs on the first floor just outside the cafeteria. Toby kicks his feet up on the coffee table before us, bluntly ignoring the "NO FEET ON TABLE" sign.

"So," Toby starts, taking a sip of his drink, "Shelby told me something interesting this morning."

"When did you and Shelby have time to talk?"

"We exchanged numbers last night, and we talked for like twenty minutes before I gently woke you up."

"Aggressively."

"Gently."

I motion for him to go on as I take my meds for my depression and anxiety.

"Do you wanna know what she said?"

"I'm on pins and needles," I reply drily.

He rolls his eyes. "She told me that Abel was asking about you."

"Cool." My voice is nonchalant, but my heart ticks up a bit. I scowl into my tea.

No attachments, you dumbass organ.

"Oh, come on! You were practically drooling over him last night."

"He's good-looking," I say, throwing in a shrug for good measure.

Toby rolls his eyes again. "We're in college, now's the time to sow some wild oats."

Sure, yeah, going down on Abel Ryan would be a fun time--a grand time, but I made a promise to myself and I'm going to stick to it.

"I don't want to date anyone." Memories of red hair and freckles flood my brain. Dammit, when will I stop thinking about him?

"Why not?"

"Benjamin," I mutter. Even just saying his name out loud hurts. I sigh. "We were supposed to start college here together." I look away from Toby. His gaze is too focused on me, and it makes me feel raw, cut open.

"We were dating in high school since sophomore year. I loved him very much. He accepted a lot of these dark, weird parts of me that not a lot of people had tried to accept before."

Except he didn't accept the one part of me that had been the hardest for me to figure out, and that hurt so much more than anything. How could someone accept the rawest, terrible parts of you, but not the one thing--that compared to all the others--wasn't bad?

I tug at my sleeves. "After my parents died I just got so lost inside my mind and the apathetic numbness of my depression," it wasn't the whole truth, but it was close enough, "I pulled away from everyone, and I guess Benji couldn't take it anymore."

I finally look at Toby, expecting to see pity, but I only see his focus, his intent listening to me tell my story. And it's such a relief to know that I can talk to him, and he'll just listen to me work through the words and find the things I need to say.

"He came over a few months ago, right before I got--" I shake my head. "He came over and he told me he was going to Oregon for school instead of Westbrook. He told me he had been planning it for a while, but could never bring himself to tell me. He told me 'I can't take care of you anymore, Jess. It's too hard.' I didn't know he felt like that, ya know? I didn't know he felt like my caregiver.

"I was so angry for weeks, I did some not-so-great things that I don't want to talk about. Anyway, I mean my parents had just died, and I was grieving. But how could I blame him? I see now how he felt like a caregiver. I'm an anxious, depressed mess, and I had been going through shit. Of course, he felt like he was my nurse or something." I sigh. "I'm a lot to handle, and that's why I promised not to date until next year when I'm not such a fucking mess."

Toby shakes his head. "He should have talked to you." He pauses, considering his words. "What you went through is rough on anyone, but you have mental illnesses on top of that--I can see why and how those would take over in the darkest time of your life. No one can blame you for that. So I think he should have talked to you more before making the decision to move across the country. Maybe it is hard to date someone with anxiety and depression, but we all have our things that make it difficult for other people to fully understand, but that's why you put the time and effort into learning about people and their things." He shrugs, looking away as if he's embarrassed. "You seem like you are worth the effort, Jesse."

Heat creeps up my cheeks. Am I really worth the effort? I don't think so, but the words are nice to hear. "Thanks, man."

Toby claps me on the shoulder. "This is awkward. Let's go check out the town."