Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 24

I spend Friday and Saturday thinking about everything Nana told me. I can tell she wants to talk more, but I can't take talking about it right now. I need to reconcile the way I thought my life was with how it actually is.

My parents didn't have me. They aren't my parents. They lied to me. And I hate that they aren't here to tell me about Kelly themselves. They aren't here for me to yell at them for lying to me for eighteen years. I feel so betrayed and angry, and I have no way of letting these feelings out.

So I do what I do best. I shut down.

I lock myself in my room and ignore Nana. I ignore the three hundred texts and voicemails from my friends.

I don't know what to say to any of them because I still have no fucking clue what I'm going to do.

I'm sitting on the small balcony of Nana's condo while I try to sort out what the hell is going on in my mind. The balcony is so small, it barely has room for the small lawn chair, but somehow Nana made it work.

Music is playing on my phone, and Toby's copy of The Picture of Dorian Gray is open on my lap, but I'm not really reading it.

I've never read it before, and Toby is insisting that I read it before the end of the semester or we can no longer be friends. I know he's just kidding, but the thought of losing him even platonically is just so fucking depressing.

My phone beeps with a message from Shelby. Like all the others from her and everyone else, I read it, but don't reply.

We have a gig in NYC Dec. 13-15

If U want U can come to meet Kelly.

No pressure! We love you!

I switch back to my music app after reading Shelby's text and go back to pretending to read Dorian Gray because it sounds a lot better than dealing with shit.

★ ★ ★ ★

Standing in the airport waiting for Toby feels a whole lot better than when I dropped him off on Wednesday. I was supposed to just meet him in the pickup zone, but I had been so agitated just sitting around my Nana's so I had left two hours early, wandered around the airport shops, and ate my weight in shitty airport food.

Finally, the board in front of me says his flight is landing. I head to his gate and raise the stupid sign I had made.

Sorry I ignored your

messages all weekend!

Forgive me!

In my other hand is a peace offering: a sub sandwich and a cinnamon roll, which are airport staples if you ask me.

His plane slowly deboards, and I'm bouncing on my feet, trying to find him in a sea of people who look tired and in a hurry.

I see him.

I see him, and I can't help the smile that spreads across my face.

His returning smile is like sunshine, and it's so freaking bright that I can feel the warmth of it on my skin.

I love you. I want to shout it to him. I want him to know that every day is just that much better because of him.

But I don't because I can't. 

"Jay!" He yells, dropping his bag and wrapping me in his arms.

I hug him back, wishing I didn't have to let go. I want to hug him like this forever.

He beams as he releases me. "What's all this?" He asks, gesturing at the sign and food.

"Peace offering. I'm sorry I didn't reply to any of your texts or call you back all weekend."

"Pfft. You're going through a lot, Jay. I'm not going to get mad at you for needing time to yourself. Shit, we all need time to ourselves sometimes."

"I need it more than others."

He picks up his bag and slings an arm over my shoulders, leading me to baggage claim to get his suitcase. "And that's okay," he says as we walk. "You'll talk when you're ready."

I don't say anything to that, and he tells me about his long weekend in Texas with his family and how his younger siblings cried when he left. He's still talking when we get to the car and head back to Freemont.

The distance between Philly and Freemont isn't long, and since Toby already told me everything that happened this weekend, we spend most of the drive in silence. It's not until I see the exit sign for Freemont that I finally speak.

"I feel betrayed, T. I feel like everyone has been lying to me and there's no one I can scream at."

"Scream at me."

"What good would that do?" I ask, glancing between him and the road.

He shrugs, his mouth full of cinnamon roll as he says, "Would it make you feel better?"

I run a hand over my overly long brown hair before twirling my septum ring. "No. It wouldn't."

"Can I say what I think, and then I'll shut up?"

I nod.

"Yes, it's shitty that your parents and Nana didn't tell you that you're adopted, and yes it's shitty that you had to find out from a stranger, but you should meet her. She just wants to get to know you, Jay, and I know you want to meet her." He's not wrong. I do want to meet Kelly. I want to know what she's like, and hear what she has to say. "I can't tell you what to do, Jay, but I really do think you should go to New York with Shelby and the guys."

"I--I have to think about it."

He reaches over the console and pats my arm. "We're all here for you, Jay. We all love you."

"I love you too." It almost sounds like a confession, and I thank God that it's dark so Toby can't see the blush crawling along my cheeks and turning my ears red.