Everything Is Just Fine

Chapter 23

"Jess-bug!" Nana exclaims as I climb out of my car on the day before Thanksgiving.

I'm still raw from everything that happened the day before, so I flinch when she tries to wrap her arms around me. She pulls back, looking dejected.

"Hi, Nan." My voice is low and wooden.

I don't feel like myself. I hate it. I feel itchy all over, and keep tugging at my sleeves. I have lost count of how many times I have reached up to twirl my septum ring.

"How are you feeling, Jess-bug?"

"Fine." I shrug.

I'm not fine.

Nana hesitates, and I know she wants to talk about everything. I know she wants me to open up and tell her the truth about what's happening in my mind right now, but I don't want to. I talked about things with Toby and Morgan until I was blue in the face. Honestly, I'm just exhausted.

Nana doesn't push, she just blows out a breath and takes me by the elbow. "Let's get you inside."

I follow Nan. She starts chatting about Old Tom. Apparently, they had dinner last weekend.

When we enter the condo, I head straight for the couch to lay down, but my phone buzzes as soon as my ass hits the cushion. Groaning at the simple inconvenience of pulling my phone out of my pocket, I do just that, and find a text from Toby.

Everything's going to be okay.

Stay strong, Jay.

I don't know why, but just knowing I have Toby in my corner comforts me, making me smile for the first time today.

"Text from your fella?" Nana asks as she brings me a sandwich.

I blush and hastily put my phone back in my pocket. "Nah, it's just Toby."

Nana purses her lips. "I thought you were dating Abel."

"I am."

"That smile is not something you reserve for someone who is just a friend." Her lips purse even more, and I know she's thinking what I have been thinking for the last week.

I need to break up with Abel because I am horribly, epically in love with Toby.

"So--"

"I don't wanna talk about it."

Nana nods and smiles softly. "Whatever you decide, Jess-bug, I'll support you. Abel sounds like a nice fella," she pauses, and I don't dare glance at her. My sandwich suddenly becomes very interesting, "and I really like Toby."

"Helpful, Nan. Can we watch TV so I can pretend my life isn't totally fucked up right now?"

"Language, Jesse Lancaster."

"Sorry, Nan."

Nana and I settle in for a night of popcorn and comedy movies. Throughout the night I text my friends and Abel on and off until I go to bed at two in the morning.

After I crawl under the sheets, I open my Facebook and click into my messages. I haven't replied to Kelly's message. I don't know what to say to her, but she can tell I have read it. I wonder what she thinks about that. It's been over a day since I read it, and I still haven't said anything.

I wish my parents were here to tell me what I should do.

★ ★ ★ ★

Nana is cooking up a storm when I return with coffees and cinnamon rolls the next mid-morning. She's going all out with the food even though it's just the two of us. At least she's only making a roast chicken and not a full twenty-pound turkey. I talked her out of it.

We spend the day listening to music, mashing potatoes, and making pumpkin pie. I feel a little better since Nana keeps giving me tasks to focus on, but there's still this weight on my chest that makes me feel like I can't breathe.

Honestly, I can't remember the last time I felt like I could breathe.

Did I take myself out of Sunny Side too early? Everything felt so much easier there. Probably because I spent the first week or two in a drug-induced fog as I readjusted to my meds, and the weeks after were nothing but routines. Maybe I should try having a routine, and not just free ball my life, but that doesn't seem very likely.

Nana and I sit for dinner, food sprawled out before us like we're feeding an army.

"Dig in, Jess-bug."

I'm not hungry, but I pull the sweet potatoes towards me and pile a bit on my plate.

For several long minutes, the only sound is metal clanking against ceramic as Nana and I serve ourselves. When there's nothing left to put on my plate, I finally ask Nana the question I have been dreading.

"Nana, what happened with my parents and Kelly?"

Nana sets down her fork and knife. She sits straighter, putting her elbows on the table as if bracing herself for everything she's about to tell me.

"Kelly was fifteen when she got pregnant. At that time your mom had just graduated college and was working at Wendell's while your dad finished his degree and worked full time at the bookstore." She stops to sip her wine. She's stalling, but I don't call her out on it. "Kelly's parents were making her get rid of the baby--you--but they were against her getting an abortion.

"Kelly wanted you to have a good family, to be loved, and your mom and dad were the best people she knew, she said. She refused to give you up to anyone else.

"Your mom was over the moon, she agreed right away. She knew it would be hard, but she felt like it was fate. They were so young, and struggling with money and finding stable jobs, but who was I to question it? Your mom already loved you, and you weren't even born yet. She just knew you were supposed to be theirs."

"How-how come they never told me?"

"They wanted to. They wanted Kelly to be involved, but her parents were very against it, so they made a plan to tell you when you graduated, but then they--they--"

Her eyes began to tear up, and I reach across the table, taking her hand. "It's okay, Nan."

She sniffs and blinks back her tears. "Soon after you were born, Kelly's parents moved her across the country, and your parents lost contact with her until you turned ten. She still lived far away, but they sent her pictures and told her everything about you." Nana sniffs again. "I'm glad she reached out to you, Jess-bug. I was hesitant to tell you after everything that happened, but I think it's good that she had the courage to finally reach out. You should meet with her."

"I don't--I don't know."

Nana pats my cheek affectionately. "Whatever you decide."

My hands itch to go get my phone so I can call Toby, Amy, or Shelby. I want to tell them what I learned, and ask their advice.

Do I visit Kelly or do I delete the message and pretend my life is the same as it has always been?