31: A Place for Gods

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The night sky was dark, countless stars serving as a stark contrast to the black background. A soft breeze whirled past us, blowing a few strands of my blonde hair into my face. With slightly trembling hands, I pushed them behind my ears. Staring up, I wondered what it was I was looking at. Emmet, thankfully, was quick to explain. "That's called a starlane," he said, standing close to me, as he pointed a finger to where I was confusedly staring up to. I leaned into him, my body still weak.

He wrapped an arm around my shoulders to give me the stability I needed. It felt good being held by Emmet, since we hadn't been close lately. I missed my brothers. But it was of my own doing... My own fault...

"It's basically a lane full of stars, some further away than others. It's said that beyond those stars is the home of the gods."

Nodding, I wondered if there was any truth to it. "I heard something like that in starart class once," I commented, sighing dreamily. "Do we have a name for it?"

"According to a book I read, it doesn't have one name. In Everett Valley, those who know of it, call it Allamine."

"Allamine... Huh. And which gods live there?" I wondered.

"Those that people believed in before witches were the new 'gods'. We're talking a few thousand years in the past..."

Nodding, I imagined what Allamine must look like and if the stories were really true, or just made up by people who weren't able to explain why they were sick or got healthy. I yawned a few moments later, overrun by exhaustion.

I was tired and wanted to sleep, but Reece was adamant on continuing our journey. He promised a fortnight's rest upon arrival and said if I really needed, we could put in a stop for my sake.

It seemed more a formality than anything else, considering he was still majorly angry at me. Understandably so.

"How long do you think Reece will hate me for?"

A deep sigh went through Emmet as I asked the question I'd been dying to ask for hours. My guilty conscience weighed down on me, and the urge to push it away overcame me regularly. Yet I remained stubborn and let it wash through me as it was supposed to, even if it made me feel like shit.

Even if I had wanted to suppress it, the little energy stored away in my body wasn't even close to enough. Maybe that was a good thing. Now I was forced to deal with all my shit. I had kept it waiting for far too long.

This wasn't just a moment of revelation. The havoc after a storm. It was the aftermath of a war I had been at with myself, and now I needed to nurse all the injuries I'd caused myself. There was no washing it away anymore. No masking. No downplaying or overplaying.

Raw emotions going through my raw soul. Just like it should be.

"Reece doesn't and never will hate you. You just haven't been acting like he would expect you to."

Emmet's objectivity was astounding to me. How could he not pick sides?

"I know. I've been fighting against myself. I just never knew what to do, so I just pushed it away."

"Maybe not the healthiest strategy, sister." Emmet had a fair point. It made me wonder how Emmet handled it all, so seemingly effortless.

"How do you do it?" I asked.

"Do what?"

"All of it. How do you handle all of these... encompassing feelings? All of this baggage? How do you carry it without even moving a muscle?"

Emmet and I sat on some rocks in the middle of a foreign forest, a small creek streaming west right in front of us. Small, tiny, silver fish swam along the stream, shining as the moon light hit their scaled bodies. The silver scales reminded me of Ryker as a gray shimmering dragon.

Emmet had been previously staring stubbornly up into the sky but now turned to look me right in the eye. "You think it's easy?" he asked, an annoyed undertone in his voice that caught me completely off guard.

My eyes widened ever so slightly but I said nothing. I shook my head when he didn't continue.

"Yeah. It isn't. How can I fall apart if you're an emotional wreck half of the time and Reece blows up because he worries so much?"

Words eluded me. I was shocked and had no idea what I could even begin to say. It made me realize how absent I had been in my brother's lives for the past few weeks. How focused I'd been on Kendra and myself. What a horrible sister I'd been to both of them...

"I don't want to be mean, C. That's not my intention. But I can't afford not to deal with it in silence. I talk to Cora and Derran... Well, used to, whenever I needed."

"So... you going to the library is your way of dealing with it?"

Emmet nodded. "Yes. I distract myself to get my mind off of everything. And when the time is right, I talk about it to get it off of my chest. It helps."

I made a 'hmm' sound but remained quiet otherwise. Now seemed like the right time to let Emmet speak without me interrupting. And he didn't waste another moment to let one huge bomb drop.

"I'm with Cora. She's my promised. I found out before we left."

My mouth gaped open and I couldn't suppress a shrill, "What?"

Emmet chuckled lightly at my plain shock.

"I can't believe I didn't even notice!"

Emmet nodded. "You've been preoccupied. No worries."

My guilty conscience went through the roof and I was overpowered by how truly selfish I'd been. Tears rolled down my cheeks and it didn't take long until I was sobbing. A stabbing pain spread in my heart. How could I have been so selfish?

How could I have let down the only person I should have been a role-model for? No wonder Reece was so angry at me.

"I can't believe how much of an asshole I am," I whispered, more tears staining my cheeks in a salty liquid that dripped onto my shirt.

Emmet pulled me closer into himself. "Don't do this. Please don't. You're hurting me now more than you're hurting yourself," he said, his voice small.

I felt his pain. His grief, his sadness. It rushed into me and mashed with my own, making my heart hurt more.

"I'm so sorry Emmet. I'm your elder. I should have put you first. You deserve to be put first. And I can't even begin to describe how guilty I feel for not making you my priority. It's not what a sister is supposed to do."

Emmet was quiet. After a few moments of silence, in which I closed my eyes and let myself cry, I stopped once I felt Emmet moving. His chest rose and fell quicker than normal and when I glanced up to him, he had his eyes closed and tears rolled down his cheeks.

My heart broke into a million pieces.

"I'm so sorry Emmet." 

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