Immoral Innocence {H.S}

"Well I love you kiddo everything about you." 3.

On Saturday I watched H doodling in his sketch book for the last time.

He sat oblivious to my presents, scrawling random scratchy marks on his page with a 3B pencil. His hands moving in perfect sync with his eyes, from what I could see at this certain distance away. Everything was so prefect, apart from the space separating us. I wanted to so graciously rid him of the robe that adorned his torsos and stare at his defined chest for eternity, but sadly I only had five minutes left with him.

I was scared, for the move- for the fresh start and for leaving H and never finding out his name. I was sad that the last image of H would be him and a sketch book when I so badly wanted to see him dressing one last time. I was worried for school and people and socialising. I was down right, completely and utterly in denial that the whole ordeal was actually happening even though my room was cluttered with cardboard boxes.

My father entered my room minutes later- a grey tux thrown over him messily.

"Let's get your stuff into the moving truck shall we princess?" Father said from the doorway.

I eyed H one last time- regretting never speaking to him. Regretting it was all over. I'd never love again.

"Yep." I managed to murmur as Father loaded his arms with boxes, the polar opposite to me as I casually strolled out of my room empty handed, the only thing I was carrying being sorrow and guilt.

{***}

I sat alone in the car with my mother, father being occupied while riding with the men who were carrying our boxes.

"I can't wait Louisa. You'll be starting school so I can buy you lots of pretty things, nice cardigans and pretty lipgloss and weight loss pills. You'll be perfect just you wait." She grinned giddily at the drivers seat. I huffed in annoyance, not wanting her to say another word.

"I can't wait for you to be the perfect girl I always knew you had inside of that chubby tummy."

"For fuck sake cut the shit will you?!" I finally broke, the words drifting off of my tongue in delight. Then there's a silence filled with regret. No doubt she'll make me pay for that later some how or other, maybe another five hour lecture about how overweight I was or how I was clever but not really the best. How I was okay but could be better at makeup. Who knows?

The rest of the journey was awkward mute, just the revving of the engine occasionally filling our ears. I'd never done that before- stood up for myself- and I never planned on it.

We pulled up into the driveway of a magnificent modern house, although I'd never admit that this house was better then the previous one, even thought it was. We stepped inside, the smell of fresh paint and rubber filled my lungs and I could tell dad liked the smell too.

"Excited Louisa?" My father asked wrapping his hands around my shoulders while mother paced ahead.

"No, not particularly. I miss the old house." I sulked.

"Think about it... You'll have friends." Father nudged me.

"No one wants to be friends with fatties, not even their own mothers." I murmur.

"Your mother loves you." Father insisted.

"Because it's mandatory." I said.

"Well I love you kiddo, everything about you." Father grinned.

I huffed. Everything was so much better before; when I was thin and cute my mothered smothered me with adoration. That's truly what I wanted- just to have mother treat me like a saint. But I didn't want to start school looking like a frizzy haired fatty either. I had no reason not to loose weight anymore- with the move came socialising and to gain social popularity you have to stick to the beauty guidelines.

I wasn't prepared to loose what I was for my mother- most certainly not- but I felt like it was time for a dramatic change, to find friends and do something about my social anxiety. I was sure if I lost my stomach and my confidence grew then I could visit H and make conversation. Although I knew that was a tad far fetched.

All I knew was that I had to loose the weight. I knew I had to loose myself in the process. And I knew I had to loose touch with my delightful personality to fit in just right.