Poetry

moving on

I wonder what it's like to kiss someone, anyone. But mostly, I wonder what it's like to kiss you. I wonder if even under all the layers we wear, we feel the warmth of this kiss, so powerful, it sends all of me on full alert. I think of you at least 50 times every day. I do realize as I say it out loud that it feels stalker-y. will not elaborate on this feeling. 

maybe sometimes I wonder if you think of me? I *feel* like I know you're not but I rlly rlly wish you were. It's all-consuming to be reminded of you every hour, but not be able to do anything about it. I ache to touch you, hold you, and kiss you but even at the closest of moments, I can do nothing but admire your mesmerizing face (less than half of it now). 

I miss seeing you laugh. I know you do but I miss seeing the joy in your smile. the feeling I get when I see you happy is something else. mostly pain. pain that I can't put my lips on yours, right there and then, but also maybe other things.

I thought you would forget me, maybe make it easier for me to move on and be in less pain. but somehow we connected all over again with the same intensity and now I just miss not feeling this. this being confusion, anger, regret, doubt. all of them aimed at the fact that I am but a friend. 

maybe this will hurt you later. much later. when you find out that I lied. that I had other intentions, even tho I'm never going to act on them, I wonder how you'd react finding out that every moment I knew you, I loved you. I loved you with every inch of my taped-up heart. every inch of my racing brain. 

bc every time I fall off a train of thought, I somehow remember you. you are right there. behind every thought, I form, every feeling I live thru. I'm moved by you. 

maybe it's not good as rudy Francisco, painfully real love poem, or Shakespeare's tragic murder plots. I know that it doesn't matter. because I can put as many words on paper as I want, none of them will come close to what it truly is. how it truly feels. the pain of not being able to scream from rooftops that, yes, I will come to get coffee with you.