fate ; c.yj + c.sb ✓

viii. love, soobin

cw !!|mentions sh & suicide, anxiety, obsession(?)

he was gone.

truly, and utterly gone. no more i love you's. no more waking up in each other's arms. no dates. no late night talks. they were done, and yeonjun was gone, and soobin didn't want to live without him.

soobin was sad at first; he stayed in his room and cried. for weeks. he wouldn't eat, and the only time he could bring himself to was when the pain in his stomach would scream at him, threatening to kill him right then and there.

"do it then," he'd say to himself, "just kill me."

but alas, he'd give in, gathering all of his strength to walk to the kitchen and eat. some crackers, a sandwich, etc. as soon as he was finished, he would go right back to his bed. and he would cry again, clutching the only thing he had left of his ex-lover; a pair of converse.

-

next, soobin was angry. he was angry at yeonjun, for not even giving long distance a chance. they'd conquered plenty together, and this was a small hiccup; they could easily have overcome it. he was angry at himself, for giving up so easily.

- flashback -

"soobin."

soobin pulled his arms from around yeonjun's waist. they were sitting on the couch, nothing being heard but their breaths.

soobin remembered trying to sync his with yeonjun's, but his breathing pattern was inconsistent, so he could never seem to match them just right.

"i'm going to america. for schooling."

soobin froze in his place. he was silent for a moment, but finally gathered the strength to speak. lips trembling, he whispered,

"so this is it, then?"

yeonjun turned to the floor, a pained expression on his face. he'd always been upfront about how he felt, but in this moment he couldn't bare to look at soobin. yeonjun could imagine his expression in his head;

eyes filled with tears, his lip quivering, his face flushing from trying not to cry. yeonjun knew seeing this would set it in stone, and he couldn't bear the thought.

soobin scoffed.

"alright, okay. i wish you the best. i hope you benefit from the lessons there."

yeonjun stood for a second, fighting the urge to look at soobin. he clenched his fist so hard his nails dug into his palms, drawing blood. yeonjun walked out of the house, not even bothering to put on his shoes.

his converse.

- end of flashback -

"maybe i just wasn't enough to fight for."

soobin whispered bitterly to himself. of course he wasn't. he never seemed to be.

he was angry at the universe, for showing him love so intense and wonderful and just taking it from him.

he was mad at fate, for tricking him into believing his fate was good and pure, and filled with unconditional love.

but most of all, he hated himself. he blamed himself for all of it.

-

as time passed, soobin was able to function again. it took a while, to feel like he was able to do anything without the greif overwhelming him. his university friends grew annoyed.

"you're being dramatic and acting like he died. you broke up, get over it."

they weren't friends for much longer.