My Donnie

That Dream...

I wake up and I gasp. I thought I died!
I look around. I can't see much but I'm in the attic. There's a broke razor next to me and a roll of tape.
That dream...
It's always been me and Donnie. He's always been there for me and for so many years I thought we had a stronger bond than what brother should. I thought we shared more...and I thought we could be more. For so long I held onto that hope but in the moment, that moment that we almost kissed, I don't know why I stopped him. I just, I don't know. But not a day goes by where I don't regret stopping him. It was so awkward between us after that for so long. For a month straight we did everything we could to avoid each other. Eventually we got over it but we never talked about it. And then April came around and Donnie made it very clear that he was interested in her, not me. But I don't blame him.
That dream...
Donnie said he needs me.
I pull out my phone and I glance at the time. It's after two in the morning. I think I should just go check on Donnie quick.
I look at my ankle, thank god it stopped bleeding.
I wrap it up a little better then I put back on my normal wrapping.
I hide the razor blades, the broke razor, and the tape. Then I use the light from my phone to help me go down the ladder. I wince quietly as I hop down from the ladder. Every step hurts.
I start walking down the hall. Mine and D's rooms are right across from each other, so I guess that's pretty convenient.
But Donnie's door is open, he always closes it when he goes to sleep.
"Donnie?" I say and I peak into the bedroom. His room is empty? I turn on his light, just to be sure. But nope, the bed is empty.
I groan and I walk downstairs. The only person here is Casey. He's passed out on the couch. I step outside and I can see a light coming from the barn.
I take a deep breath.
It's really scary out here at night...nothing is out here except the woods, and the creatures that lerk in the woods. I bet there is a Big Foot out there.
I turn on my flashlight and I quietly and quickly walk to the barn.
When I get there I silently push the door open.
He's sitting at his desk. His arms are folded and they are hiding his face. I can't hear him that well but I'm pretty sure that he's crying?
"Hey, D?" I whisper softly so I don't startle him.
He jolts up and he looks at me, I guess the whole not scaring him thing didn't work. "Sorry." I say and I step into the barn. It's really cold in here.
"Mikey? What are you doing here?" He rubs his eyes quickly.
"I...just noticed your bedroom door was open and then you weren't there."
"Oh yeah, uh," Donne sniffles. "I was just finishing up." He says and he looks down at his desk.
I walk over to him and I stand on the other side of his desk. He hasn't moved yet.
"Donnie?"
He doesn't say anything, but his silence is speaking louder and clearer than any words can.
I walk around the table and I stand in front of Donnie.
I lead over and I wrap my arms around his neck and I pull him into a hug.
He doesn't hesitate to hug me back. He wraps both of his arms around my shall and he hugs me tightly. I can hear him start to cry again but he immediately represses it.
I don't really know what to say to comfort him. I don't really want to ask him what's wrong, he's never been very open about his feelings. Now that I think of it, he represses everything and he just distracts himself instead. That's probably why he has been hiding in the barn all day. Trying to tinker with meaningless projects to keep his mind off whatever is bothering him.
I can feel my own eyes starting to fill with tears. He's right here, he isso close to me. If I could just talk to him.
No matter how bad I want to tell him about my feelings, dealing with all the events that have happened recently, my relapse, and my feelings towards him I just can't. It's all too much. These feelings are too much for be to bare, so I don't want to push them onto someone else and make them bare them too.
"Are you okay, Donnie?" I whisper softly. He responds with a sniffle and a slight nod. After a few more seconds he loosens his grip around my shell. He seems hesitant but he lets go of me. I take the hint and I let go of him too.
"Sorry," Donnie whispers and he hugs himself and he shivers.
"Why are you sorry?" He takes while to respond. I can almost hear the gears in his head turning as he's trying to figure out what to say.
"You where really warm," he says with a light chuckle. "I didn't realize how cold it was out here."
"Come on, D, lets go to bed." Donnie yawns and he stands up.
"Yeah, that's a good idea." Donnie says groggily and he stretches.
"I have a kind of random question?" I say as Donnie and I start to leave the barn. He turns off the light, leaving us in the pitch-black barn. I get my phone and I turn on the flashlight for us.
"Yeah, Mikey?" Donnie responds.
We step outside the barn and Donnie closes the door and he latches it shut. "You aren't building a time machine, right?"
Donnie stops walking and he stares at me.
"Huh?" He says and I turn around to look at him.
"I just had a dream that you built a time machine."
"N-no, I'm not building a time machine." Donnie starts to walk again. When he reaches me, I start to walk again too.
We walk the rest of the walk in silence. I don't know why it feels so awkward. It's probably just me, I haven't been able to stop thinking about that dream. I don't know, it was more so my memories than a dream. And I can't stop thinking about that day in the dojo with Donnie. I wonder if he still thinks about that too...
I glance over at him, he's walking with his head down and he's staring at the ground. He probably forgot about it, especially since he has been obsessing over April since we met her.
We reach the front door and Donnie opens it for me. I walk in and I wait for Donnie to close the door and he locks it. We walk up the stairs in silence and we walk down the hallway together.
I don't think it has ever been this awkward between Donnie and I, and I don't even know why it feels so awkward just to be next to him. What's wrong with me?
"Well," Donnie says when we reach the end of the hallway where our bedrooms are. "Goodnight." He says.
"Night, Donnie."
"Get some sleep, Mikey." He says as he walks in his room. He closes the door behind him.
I sigh as an intense wave of loneliness washes over me.
I walk into my room and I close the door then I turn on the light. I sit on the edge of my bed and I hug my legs to my chest.
Now I wish I would've talked to him, told him how I felt. I can't carry this all by myself. It's all too much.
I miss Sensei, I miss Leo, I miss home, I miss how things used to be, and I wish Donnie would give me another hug.
I lay my head on my knees and tears start to spill from my eyes. I have to bite down on my lip to keep myself from sobbing. I can't do this anymore...
You know what you have to do.
That damn voice is back. I'm not going to listen to it, it makes everything worse. I rock back and forth and I softly hum to myself to try and tune out the voice.
Kill yourself. Then you will finally have peace, not to mention all the people around you will have peace too. They won't have to deal with you everyday. Do one good thing in your life where you don't mess it up. Besides, you will be much happier.
No! Donnie needs me. And when Leo gets better, I have to be here to help save the city! I can't leave them. I accidently let out a small sob and I slap my hand over my mouth. My head is starting to pound from crying.
HA! They don't need you, you don't honestly think that, do you? You're the idiot that's always messing up the missions, they can save the city without you. Hell, it'll probably be easier if you aren't there. You'd be doing everyone a favor.
Please shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
There's only one way to silence me Mikey. You know that.