You in my Fading Memory: An Epistolary

1

December 1, 2021

Sometimes I wished that I'm the writer of my own story. Sana alam ko kung paano tatapusin. Sana alam ko kung ano ang susunod na mangyayari. Hindi yung para akong tangang nangangapa sa dilim.

I still don't know what to feel right now. My hands are still trembling. My knees are still shaking. I still can't believe what happened awhile ago. I still can't believe it. Wala na. Tapos na.

Akala ko iyon na. I was about to make a proposal but, why did you said those words. Bakit hindi mo man lang ipinahalata sa akin na wala na pala talaga? I believed that the thing between the two of us was still good but, what happened? Bakit bigla na lang nawala yung namamagitan sa atin?

I love you, Cass. I really do. Sa bawat araw na dumaraan, ikaw lang yung nasa isip ko. Halos hinanda ko na ang lahat ng bagay para sa atin kasi alam ko na sigurado na ang bagay sa pagitan natin. Maayos naman yung relasyon natin di ba?

Everything's perfect. That was what I thought. The classy ambience of the place. The candle light dinner. The romantic aura surrounding the place. Hindi ko maisip kung saan mo nakuha yung mga salitang gusto mo nang tapusin ang namamagitan sa atin.

After all those years, mapupunta lang sa wala. Those four years we spent, it was now gone. Nawala na yung mga bagay na akala kong magtatagal. Nawala na lahat. Nawala ka.

Matatanggap ko pa kung tinanggihan mo yung gagawin kong proposal. I would even hug you even if you rejected me. But, why? Why did you chose to end everything before I let those words out. I thought I would be the happiest man alive but, I guess it was the opposite.

Kanina pa tumutulo ang luha ko habang isinusulat ang bagay na 'to. I knew that writing something would somehow ease everything pero, bakit parang mas lalong bumibigat. Mas lalong sumasakit.

Tangina lang. Masakit. I thought it was just a mere imagination to feel the pain during a heartbreak. It was true.

I think I can't continue this. My eyes were now swollen. I want to rest. I need to rest.

Niccolo Guanzon