Déjà Vu

Chapter 23

~ Evelyn ~

24 hours earlier

She lays on her back on her bed, her head hanging off the foot of the bed. Everything appears upside down now, all of her things hanging from the ceiling, but it almost orients her when combined with how upside down she already feels.

What the fuck is she doing? What has she done?

She kissed Fred.

She kissed Fred and then she slept cuddled up next to him and then she masturbated right next to him while thinking about him.

She groans as she remembers it all again, bringing her hands up to rub over her face. She doesn't think she's met anyone who has the ability to make worse decisions than she does. It's like she wants to fuck her life up.

She sits up in bed, taking a deep breath and looking at the blank expanse of the wall in front of her. What is she supposed to do now? All she's been doing since she got back to Hogwarts is try to pick out specific thoughts from the tornado that spins through her mind, to grasp onto something that reveals what she's actually feeling, but she can't sort out any true thoughts. Her head is just a big mess of self-deprecation and confusion, which is not a good mix when she's trying to make a decision.

A decision about what? her brain points out.

She lets herself consciously think the one thought that she's been blocking out of her brain for months.

Should she break up with Nick?

The thought has been lingering in the back of her head ever since they got back together, really, but she's never let herself actually put it into words. It makes her stomach drop when she thinks about it, thinks about losing Nick for good, but it also gives her immense relief to finally be able to consider it as an option.

The thing is, she loves Nick. She really, truly, loves him, in a way that only comes when you've grown up with someone and been able to see them grow and develop into a real, grown person. She can't remember a time where Nick wasn't there, even when she was just a little girl and they were just friends. There has never been a time where he hasn't been there for her with that patient, loving smile that makes her feel warm inside.

They dated for an entire year when she still went to Beuxbatons, and there was never an unhappy moment during that time. He was caring, attentive, and looked at her like she was sunshine. She didn't think that there would ever be anything better than that.

It wasn't until she'd first been with Fred that she realized things could be different. That's all she ever thought of it as, though: different. She had never thought of it as better; it had just been an entirely different experience, being with him, but that didn't mean that it was better.

It wasn't until she got back together with Nick that she realized that being with Fred wasn't just different. It was more. There was more than just gentle kisses and holding hands, more than what she pictured when she thought of a relationship.

Being with Fred is like fire, sparks radiating off of them at all times, just waiting to be ignited. It's something magical. Hot. Something constantly unplanned and spontaneous and amazing. Something that she and Nick never truly had.

She enjoys being with Nick, though. Being with him is like flowing water, constantly moving and changing, yet in a predictable, soothing, practiced way. Every next step of his can be guessed, and she's always found a certain comfort in that. Being with him has always felt calming, tame, and yes, a bit less exciting, yet great in an entirely different way. She's always felt that weight lifted from her chest when she's with him, but she's finally starting to admit that she feels the same when she's with Fred.