Surviving the truth

6| gender reveal

I was out baby shopping with Izzie and even forced Cristina to come with me. I needed to start thinking about getting ready since he or she will be here in a matter of months. I figured I could get a crib, car seat, stroller, and other necessities that don't have to be gender specific.

"Why does everything have to be so expensive?" I asked.

"Maybe your famous, rich mom can help you out." Izzie said.

"So what my mom is Ellis Grey. Get over it, guys."

"I bet she helped you get into med school and into this program." Cristina commented.

I rolled my eyes. "Trust me, she didn't. I had to do that all on my own."

"Maybe you should have a baby shower." Izzie suggested. "It'll be so much fun and people can buy you gifts. I'll plan it!"

"No! No, baby shower." I exclaimed. "I don't like baby showers. I don't want to torture myself."

"Torture yourself? Come on, Mer. It'll be so much fun!"

"I don't think so."

"Isn't your next appointment Friday? Will you be finding out the gender?" Izzie asked excitedly. "I'm so excited to know."

"I think you're more excited than I am... But yeah. Hopefully Friday"

A sales representative walked over to us as we looked at the cribs. "Hello, ladies. Is there anything I can help you all with?"

"Yes." I answered. "I'd like to get this crib."

I had just finished working my eighty hour limit for the week, and was on my way out of the hospital. I had stayed the night at the hospital, but still had enough time and energy to get breakfast before my doctor's appointment. As I got onto the elevator when it arrived, I saw Derek on it as well, but he wasn't dressed in his scrubs.

"Leaving?" He asked.

"Eighty hour limit." I answered. I don't even know why I answered. "You?"

"Surgery got postponed."

This elevator ride felt like forever. Why do elevator rides with Derek always feel like forever?

I quickly put my hands on my eighteen week pregnant belly when I felt something I've never felt before. I wasn't sure what it was, but I felt it again and again and again. Derek noticed my acting and asked me if I was okay.

"Ye...ah. Yeah." I smiled realizing what I just felt; my baby's first movements inside me. "My-" I reluctantly told Derek. "The baby is moving. I've... never felt it before." I rubbed my stomach and couldn't stop smiling. Now I'm even more excited to find out the gender.

The elevator arrived on the first floor and both Derek and I stepped off. He followed me out of the hospital, and before I got into my car, he said, "Hey, Meredith, what are you doing right now?" He was obviously risking getting yelled at by me again.

"Breakfast then doctor's appointment." I answered. Again, I don't know why I answered. "I'm, um... finding out the gender today."

Too much information, Meredith.

"Do you want to go eat?" Derek asked.

I don't know why I agreed. I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I guess I was in a not hating Derek Shepherd mood today because I ended up at a breakfast cafe with him. Derek kept tilting his head at me and giving me that McDreamy look I can barely handle.

Oh my god. Keep yourself together, Meredith.

"I just want to apologize to you, Meredith." Derek said out of the blue. "For everything, and you were right. I should had been honest with you from day one, but I didn't want to scare you away and lose you. I don't deserve your forgiveness, and I understand why you'd want me out of your life. I didn't treat you well when Addison showed up. I kept stringing you along and-"

"I'm over it; I'm over you; I'm over everything." I said. "I just need to focus on what's important now, and hating you is at the bottom of my list. I have a job to focus on, and a baby on the way. And god, Derek, I went out looking at baby stuff, and everything is so expensive. Izzie wants to throw me a baby shower, but I turned her down so quick, but now that I think about it, it doesn't sound like a bad idea; getting free gifts, I mean." I stopped myself from going on. "Listen, I'm over you, and I hope you and Addison are happy together; I truly mean it too."

"We're not." He admitted. "We're not because I'm not entirely over you. I was; I am in love with you, and I thought Addison and I could try to fix our marriage, but I'm seeing it as a huge mistake now. The damage that she caused is not fixable; especially with Mark here in Seattle now too. I'll just constantly think she's sleeping with him no matter what."

"Why are you telling me all this?"

Derek sighed. "I don't know."

I looked at my phone and saw that I had thirty minutes to get to my appointment. I can't believe I'm about to ask Derek this. "Do you want to maybe come to my appointment with me?"

Derek's eyes lit up in shock. A smile then formed on his face. "Yeah. Yeah, I'd like that."

I felt awkward. My doctor had her hand in my vagina making sure everything down there was fine, while Derek was sitting beside me looking as uncomfortable as I felt. I don't even know why we feel like this because we see and do much more embarrassing things as doctors at the hospital. I sighed in relief when she moved to my stomach. Dr. Taylor poured the cold, blue gel on my abdominal area. I smiled when I saw my baby appear on the screen. When I glanced over at Derek, I saw him smiling as well.

Dr. Taylor measured the baby and made sure everything was developing well. She then asked me if I wanted to know the gender, and I answered yes.

"Congratulations, it's a girl."

I couldn't have been any happier hearing that.

Derek thanked me for inviting him to come with me after my appointment ended. I told him not to look forward to my next one being that he probably won't be coming. I still don't even know why I invited him to this one. I guess my emotions were just all over the place from feeling my daughter's first movements to him apologizing for everything. I guess I'm not fully over Derek. After hearing his marriage with Addison isn't going so great, it's giving me a little hope for there to be an us, though I keep telling myself not to go back to him.

I'm concluding with this: My hormones are making me think less with my brain and more with my vagina and heart. That's not always a good thing.