Surviving the truth

14| memories and promises

I still can't wrap my head around the fact that my sister flirted with Derek; no. That I even have a sister on my dad's side for a matter of fact. I'm honestly surprised, because I figured when he didn't want anything to do with me, it was because he didn't want kids. I guess I was wrong.

He just didn't want me.

I was an unwanted child.

That honestly feels amazing to know.

Emma was laying in her swing as I sat on the floor looking at my mother's old photo albums she kept hidden in her Seattle home. The albums were mainly from before the divorce when what it seemed to be we were a happy family. Mom looked happy, my dad looked happy, and I looked the happiest.

These are the memories I wish I could remember; not all the bad ones that I do.

"Meredith, what are you doing?"

I looked up and saw Derek standing over me. "She's my sister, Derek."

"I'm confused. Who is?"

"The girl who was flirting with you at Joe's! She's my dad's daughter. He didn't want me, so he had to go have another one that he did want with another woman."

Derek crouched down and rubbed my back. "Meredith, you are wanted."

"Maybe four year old Meredith was, but older Meredith wasn't." I shut the album and put it back in the box I found it in. I stood up and turned to Derek as he stood back up himself. "Derek, I'm really happy you want to be Emma's dad, but if you're going to end up doing what my own father did; leave when I was five, then you should just leave now. Emma doesn't need to go through what I did; having a broken family."

Derek placed his hand on my arm. "Meredith, I'm not going anywhere, I promise."

"You've made promises before and broke them." I was obviously referring back to when he promised me he was divorcing his wife and then stayed with her anyways.

"I was stupid then and didn't realize what I was doing."

"Exactly, and Emma was this close to not having a dad." I sat down on the couch. "You don't understand what it's like growing up without a father or mother who cares about you. I have issues because of how I grew up."

Derek sighed and sat down beside me. "I'm going to tell you something that my family and I never talk about; especially Amy and myself." He paused and took a deep breath. "This watch I'm wearing; it belonged to my dad; mom saved all her money to give this to him. You see, my father owned a collector's shop, and one day, my little sister and I were behind the counter playing on the floor; I was about ten and Amy, five. Two men with guns showed up and demanded my dad to hand over the money, he did. They then demanded for him to hand over his watch; my dad wouldn't." He paused. I could tell he was replaying the moment in his head. "They shot him and we saw our dad die right before our eyes."

I placed my hand on top of Derek's. "I'm so sorry, Derek."

"So I do know what it's like growing up without a father, Meredith. And I know how important having a father is for a child."

"It's just different for a girl. Girls need to have their fathers in their lives to feel wanted; for reassurance. Lexie; that's my sister's name. She's the total opposite of me because my dad stayed her entire life. I probably wouldn't be who I am today if he just stayed around."

"I love who you are, Meredith, don't you see? Sure you have issues, but so does everyone else. I'm sure your sister has her own issues too."

I looked over at Emma as she continued to swing fast asleep. "Just don't hurt Emma. That's all I want since you already hurt me."

"How many times do I need to apologize?" Derek asked.

I couldn't look at Derek because if I did, he'd see me with tears in my eyes. "Just try to keep this one promise for Emma. She really needs you."

I think Derek knew I was beginning to cry even without me looking at him because he wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed me on my cheek. "This is the last thing you need to worry about because I promise I'll be here for both you and Emma. I love you both more than you can imagine, and hurting you is the last thing I want to do."

I miss being wrapped in his arms.

No, I miss his kisses.

I want to kiss him.

No, Meredith, you can't.

Kissing is bad.

Real bad.