Surviving the truth

10| im a mommy

The final months of this pregnancy couldn't come soon enough. As I was reaching my final weeks, I was feeling more uncomfortable than ever, especially once the baby dropped, which means she'll arrive any day. I was in a surgery with Dr. Mark Sloan when it broke. At first I thought I had peed myself, but liquid continued to drip, which made me realize it was my water.

After informing Dr. Sloan that my water broke, I scrubbed out and called to inform my doctor. I then went to tell my resident. Dr. Bailey actually helped me get checked into the hospital so I could be immediately given a room, and I wouldn't have to wait around like most laboring moms have to. I guess there're perks for being a doctor.

I tried calling me mom, and I wasn't surprised when she didn't pick up. So I just left a message telling her I'm having the baby and will talk to her later. My friends would stop by here and there, and for some reason, I always saw Derek lingering out in the lobby of my room.

"He's like freaking out, Mer." Cristina said. "Cancelled all his surgeries for the rest of the day."

"Because of me?"

"Well it's not because he has a hair emergency."

"Is it bad I hope Emma will have his hair?" I asked.

"No. Shepherd has god-like hair, and you have split ends." I shut my eyes when I felt another contraction. "Maybe you should let Shepherd in the room. That's why he cancelled his surgeries; in case you change your mind."

"I don't want Derek in the room, and you can tell him that too. I need an epidural." I snapped.

"You told me not to let you get one no matter what."

"Cristina! I need an epidural if I want to get through this!" I shouted. "You don't understand how fucking bad it hurts! It feels like someone is just continuously punching me!"

"You're only at like three centimeters and you're already complaining about the pain? Maybe you do need an epidural because it's gonna get way worse when you reach ten and gotta push that sucker out of you. I bet you'll rip."

"Get out!" I shouted.

Six hours and eleven minutes later, I had Emma laying in my arms, swaddled in a white hospital blanket. She definitely looks a lot like Derek, besides having my blonde hair. My eyes drifted off her and towards the door when I heard a knock on my open door.

It was Derek.

"Hey."

"Hi." I murmured. Derek walked further into the room, taking my hi as a welcoming in. I looked down at my sleeping daughter and then back at Derek. "This is Emma."

"Emma." Derek smiled.

"And she almost killed me." He chuckled, knowing I was exaggerating quite a bit. "But she's perfect and I love her so much already."

Derek asked if he could hold her, and I said yes. I don't know why I said yes. as I watched him holding her, I realized I shouldn't do this to Derek and keep him away from Emma. Emma needs her father. Plus, Derek looks good with a baby, and he continues to show me he's all in, even when I repeatedly tell him, stay away, I don't want you around. Derek's been patient with me, and I think it's time to reward his patience.

Derek sat down on my bed after giving Emma back to me. "You did good, Meredith. You'll be an amazing mother."

"I'm scared I'll be just like my mother. She loved the hospital more than her own daughter, and would rather spend holidays there than with me. Do you know how many holidays; how many birthdays I spent either with my nanny or alone?"