Lightning Only Strikes Once - Clexa

Chapter 131: Bonds

"So explain to me why Wells isn't here?" Clarke asks. "He's part of my wedding party too."

Clarke watches in the mirror as Raven twines two of her plaits together, then gives up and lets the intricate plaits sit with a sigh. One of the guards outside had brought in someone from Polis to do Clarke's hair, frustrating Raven, who had been sure she could do it better.

Long story short, she couldn't. They'd had to call the woman back. Clarke hopes Raven doesn't mess up her hair again, sending her guard to fetch an expert for the third time would be verging on embarrassing.

"He said he was busy," Raven says, rolling her eyes at the mirror. "Handling the ambassadors, making sure none of them will bicker through the ceremony, that kind of thing."

"Does he take charge with them that much?" Clarke asks, frowning, already expecting trouble. The other ambassadors won't like being bossed around by their newest member. Abby, reacting to the note of concern in her daughter's voice, gets up to stand beside her and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. Clarke resists the temptation to shrug it off – things are still strained with her mother, but she's very glad to have her here.

Raven considers it. "No, not exactly, not from what I've seen. He just says everything really calmly and reasonably and then they sort of just end up going along with it. He says it's because they haven't had time to develop the grudges against us that they traditionally have with each other's clans, but I think he's learnt hypnotism and doesn't want to teach me."

"Thank god," Clarke says under her breath, and Raven meets her eyes with a playful glare. Even Abby manages a smile at that one.

"Anyway," Raven says. "Apparently, to Wells, sorting out the ambassadors is more important than getting you ready for the big day."

"It's not that big a day," Clarke says, though she can feel a silly smile forcing its way onto her face.

"It is a big day," Abby agrees with Raven. "You're making a lifelong commitment to another person."

Her mother's face in the mirror, the doubt in it, prompts Clarke to speak. "I've already made that, this just makes it official. What I feel for Lexa is real, and it's forever. I need you to understand that." It comes out harsh and uncompromising.

Raven lets out a surprised little noise, and says rapidly, "You know, I have eyeliner in my room. I'm gonna go fetch that." She exits quickly, leaving mother and daughter staring at each other's reflections in the mirror as they speak.

"It's just... you're so young," Abby says softly.

"No," Clarke says shortly, stiffening further, not willing to go through this again. "I'm not. Why is it so hard for you to admit I'm an adult now?"

Abby lets out a long sigh, almost like a sob. "Because if I admit you're an adult, then I have to acknowledge that it's my fault you've grown up so quickly."

"Mom -" Clare starts to say, but Abby talks on, the words bubbling out of her like she's been holding them back for too long.

"It's my fault that Jake died. My fault you were kept in solitary for a year, my fault you were sent down here as 'expendable'..." Tears spring into her eyes. "My fault that you've grown up so fast, that you're so hard, that you're the kind of person who can order executions without blinking."

"It's not your fault, Mom, this is who I am," Clarke says helplessly, even as she pulls back from the harshness of the words. "You didn't -"

"And my little girl – my idealistic, optimistic little girl – could forgive me for that, for all the terrible things I've done, for what I've done to her. She needed me," Abby continues, so quietly Clarke strains to hear. "But I look into your eyes and I don't always recognise the person staring back. You don't need me at all, now, and I'm afraid you'll never forgive me. I'm losing you."