Broken

Chapter 23

I still hadn't heard from Taylor by the time I headed home from lunch with Zac and Jen. I buried myself in more homework. And when that was finished I cleaned the apartment over again and still no news.
I tried to watch television but I couldn't focus on anything. I forced myself to eat, but by the time I got ready and climbed into bed, I couldn't take the waiting anymore. I grabbed my phone off the nightstand to send Taylor a text.
"How is she doing?" was what I finally managed to come up with.
"Not good," he sent back. "I'll call you soon."
"Okay, love you," I replied.
No response, but I tried not to think about that. I told myself he was just busy. Of course, he had to be.
I waited two hours for him to call me back but when he didn't I finally resorted myself to trying to sleep.
I tossed and turned most of the night. I finally fell asleep just before the sun came up. I felt like I had just fallen asleep when I heard the doorbell ring.
I glanced at the clock and i had only been asleep for an hour.
I sighed and forced myself out of bed to answer the door.
It was Taylor.
"Did I wake you?" he asked. He looked disheveled. His face was unshaven and his eyes had big, dark circles around them.
"It's okay," I said. "Did you get any sleep?"
He shook his head and sat on the couch.
"How is she?" I asked, sitting next to him.
"She's doing better than she was last night," he said. "Her parents got here late last night. They finally convinced me to go get some rest. They're trying to talk the doctors into letting them pay to fly her to Tulsa so they can take care of her better there."
"Can they do that?" I asked. "It seems like that might be harmful."
He shrugged, "I guess for the right amount of money you can do anything."
I nodded, "Yeah, I suppose that's true."
"I know I didn't call you all day yesterday," he started.
"It's okay," I interrupted. "I understand."
"You probably won't," he sighed, rubbing the back of his neck and staring down at his shoes.
"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.
He sighed again before meeting my eyes.
"If they fly her back to Tulsa," he said softly. "I'm going with her."
"Oh," I said breaking eye contact with him. "I see."
"I love you so - ," he started.
I shook my head and put my hand up to stop him.
"No, I understand," I said. "You have to do what you have to do."
"I just - I can't leave it like this," he said. "I can't leave her like this. All I've ever wanted is to be with you, but she needs me."
I bit my lip and nodded softly.
"You don't have to explain," I said, swallowing hard. "I get it."
I stood up and walked into the kitchen. I had to walk away from him before I broke down. I fought back tears as I fixed a pot of coffee.
"Amelia?" he said, coming up behind me. "You know I love you. I want us to be together, it's just not the right time."
I closed my eyes and sighed, "It never is."
"I'll come back," he said, putting his arms around me. "I swear. I just need some time to make sure she is going to be okay."
"No," I said, shaking my head. I pulled out of his embrace and finally turned to face him.
"What do you mean no?" he asked quizzically.
"I mean, don't come back," I said. "If you're going with her, you be with her wholeheartedly."
"Don't make me choose between you and her right now," he begged.
"I'm not," I said calmly. Where this strength was coming from, I wasn't sure. "I'm telling you to be with her. That's where you belong. Not with me. It's obvious. As much as we want to be with each other, we were never meant to be together. I love you, Taylor, and I know you love me, but it is time for us to move on with our lives."
"You don't mean that," he said, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Yes, I do. Look back on our relationship Tay, think about it. When has the timing ever been good for us? When have we ever been able to just be together? For longer than a few days? We don't make sense together. No matter how badly we want us to, we just don't. How long have you been with Krystal?"
"About a year," he said softly.
"And how much of that time was spent apart, not counting band stuff?"
"Maybe a few days here and there," he said. "If we're not counting band stuff."
"Now how long have we known each other?"
"Forever," he said.
I nodded, "And we've only had a few days together here and there. It doesn't make sense does it?"
"But most of that was because you pushed me away!" he argued.
"It doesn't matter," I said. "I was too messed up from everything that had happened. I'm not in that place anymore. I wasn't ready then. You're not ready now."
"I am, though!" he said emphatically. "I just need a little time. Can't you see that?"
I half-smiled, "I see it better than you think I do."
"If Krystal hadn't been in that car accident," he started. "We wouldn't even be having this conversation."
"If." I repeated. "If we hadn't have went out to dinner that night when we were 16, maybe Mitch would've never found me. If I had went somewhere other than New York, maybe I wouldn't have began using drugs. If you hadn't shown up when I OD'd, I could be -"
"Please don't finish that sentence," he interrupted softly.
"If is the biggest word in the English language," I continued. "We can't live our lives on If's."
"I know," he said. "I just need a little time and then I will come back to you."
"I'll make a deal with you," I relented. "If you do, we'll try and make it work. If you don't, no hard feelings. But you have to try and move on, we both do, before you come back. You have to try and make it work with Krystal passed her accident, passed whatever she needs right now. Deal?"
"But -"
"But nothing," I said. "Jen and Zac's wedding is in a few months, we'll see each other then and see where we are at then. If we're still not ready, then we'll know it wasn't meant to be."
He didn't say anything.
"Do we have a deal?" I pressed.
"Yeah," he said softly, nodding. "I guess I don't have a choice do I?"
"No," I said. "It's the way it has to be, Taylor."
He nodded again before turning around to walk out.
"I'm sorry," he said, stopping before he reached the door.
"Don't be," I said, coming over to him. "You don't have to be sorry for anything. It's nobody's fault. It's just the way it is."
"I know," he said, grabbing my hand in his. "But I still am sorry."
I nodded, and looked down at my feet.
He placed his other hand under my chin and gently made me look back up at him.
"I love you," he said, his hand moving to graze over my cheek.
"I love you, too," I whispered.
He kissed me softly before releasing my hand and walking out the door.
I closed it behind him and leaned up against it and began crying as I slid down to sit on the floor. I buried my face in my knees and just cried for hours, the strength I had shown when he was here crumbling so quickly.
I don't know how long I sat there, or what time it was when I finally forced myself to go back to bed.