Broken

Chapter 14

Three years had passed since I walked out of that hotel room. I stayed in New York but moved out of Jen's parents house. I rented a small apartment above the bar I worked at. If Mitch ever tried to find me, he didn't succeed thankfully.
My drug habit had become worse and I saw less and less of Jen. Her and Zac had become quite the couple and she was in college going for a law degree. I had become a bartender and a full time partier. I would serve drinks and do blow with the customers, get drunk and hook up with guys, and then pop pills to help me sleep.
Anything I could do to numb myself from not only the reality of what had happened to me, but from the fact that I had walked away from the only person who I ever truly loved. The only person who had ever made me feel safe.
I woke up one morning to my phone ringing. I rolled over and climbed over Tommy, or was his name Timmy? The guy who was still sleeping in my bed. I looked at the time and groaned.
"This better be good," I answered in a grumble. My head was pounding, a result from too much partying the night before.
"Amelia?" I heard Jen's voice and I softened a bit.
"Oh hey, Jen," I said. "Why are you calling so early? You know I don't get off work til 3am?"
"Yeah and you party until 6 am," she retorted. "I have some news."
"You and Zac are getting married?" I asked, absentmindedly looking at the man in my bed, trying to decide if he looked more like a Timmy or a Tommy.
"No," she laughed. "But it does have to do with Zac."
"Don't tell me he knocked you up?" I said, turning my attention back to her.
"No girl!" she said. "Don't be crazy! I still have a year left of school!"
"Okay good," I said standing and walking to the bathroom, not even bothering to get dressed or cover myself in case what's his name woke up. What difference did it make? I had already slept with him. I avoided my reflection as I searched my medicine cabinet for some muscle relaxers for when I got off the phone with Jen. "Then what's this big news?"
"They're coming to New York," she said. "To stay for a couple of months while they work on their next album."
"I'm happy for you, Jen," I said, trying to act like I didn't care even though my breath caught in my chest. "What does this have to do with me?"
"I just thought you'd want to know," she said and paused. "He still asks about you all the time."
"Jen, I gotta go," I said, closing my eyes as I felt the lump in my throat growing.
"Okay," she said. "Can we get together soon? I miss you."
"Yeah definitely," I said. "Come by the bar whenever."
"I meant," she started then stopped herself. "Okay sounds good. How about Thursday night?"
"Perfect!" I said. "I'll see you then."
I didn't let her respond and hung up. I knew asking her to come to the bar was a sure way to get out of the invitation. It wasn't her element. It's not that I didn't want to see her. I missed my friend terribly but i didn't want to drag her down. I didn't want her pity. She had caught a preview of my lifestyle about a year prior and the look on her face tore me apart. We still talked on the phone but I had been avoiding seeing her since.
I walked out of the bathroom and into the main room of the studio apartment. I went over to the bed and shook the guy still sleeping with my foot.
He groaned slightly and rolled over trying to go back to sleep.
"I don't think so, bud," I said, kicking him gently. "Time to get up and move on out. I got stuff to do."
He jerked his head up and looked at me.
"Oh hey," he smiled seeing me standing there still nude.
"Hey," I said. "Time to go."
"You don't want me to stay?" he asked.
"Not really," I said, shaking my head. "No offense."
"None taken," he beamed, relieved I was letting him off the hook. He sat up and began getting dressed. "So - uh - do you want me to call you sometime?"
I shrugged, "Look, we both know even if I did, you're not going to call, so let's just save the niceties and say thanks for the sex and move on with our lives?"
"Cool!" he said pulling his shirt over his head. "Thanks!"
I nodded and motioned toward the door, "Bye Tom - Tim -"
"Johnny," he said.
"Right," I said. "Johnny. Sorry."
"It's cool," he said. "Thanks again, it was great!"
With that he walked out, I locked the door behind him and I laid back down on the bed. Taylor and I would be living in the same city for the next couple of months. As large as New York City is, it suddenly felt very small and cramped.
I popped the two muscle relaxers I had grabbed from the bathroom and decided the best thing to do was sleep and try and forget the whole thing.
For the next three days, I struggled to push the thoughts of Taylor being in New York out of my head. I hadn't asked when they were coming, I didn't want to know. But I kept thinking I would run into him wherever I went, which was stupid on my part. They definitely wouldn't be staying in the area I was living in, but for some reason I kept expecting to bump into him.
By the time Thursday rolled around, I had forgotten my invitation for Jen to come to the bar. We weren't super busy but bars in New York are never slow so it was a steady night.
"I'll be right back," I told Gina the owner. It was around 10 pm and I needed a fix. I met one of our regulars and someone I considered a 'friend,' Vinnie, in the alley behind the bar.
I rubbed my nose and handed him back the rolled up dollar bill. He shoved the dollar into his pocket, and lit a joint. I took a few hits before lighting a quick cigarette.
I went back in and hung up my coat then headed back behind the bar.
"Someone's here to see you," Gina said nodding toward the other end of the bar. I glanced over and saw Jen standing there, next to two guys with their backs to the bar, looking uncomfortable.
"Wow," I scoffed. "Wonders never cease. Thanks Gina, I got her."
She nodded and I walked over to Jen.
"I didn't think you'd actually show up" I said to her.
That's when they turned around. I hadn't recognized them from behind. Zac's hair was really short, the shortest I had ever seen it. Taylor's was just a little shorter than it was the last time I had seen him but Zac's hair had thrown me off of even considering it could have been them.
My eyes widened and I suddenly felt dizzy.
"I know you didn't," Jen said. "But I figured this was the only way to actually see you."
My mouth felt dry and the lump in my throat was back.
"Hi," Taylor smiled softly. "It's been a long time."
I avoided his eyes, "Yeah it has. Can I get you guys anything to drink?"
"I'll have another beer," Taylor said, holding up a bottle Gina must've brought him.
"I'll have another pop," Zac said.
"I'll stick with my pop, too," Jen said.
I grabbed another beer and another glass of pop and brought them over.
Taylor started to hand me some cash.
"On me," I said still avoiding his eyes.
"Thanks," he said.
"Hey. I got this, if you wanna go spend time with your friends," Gina said coming over to me. "They said it's been a long time since you seen each other."
"That's o -" I started.
"Wow, that's really cool of you," Jen cut me off.
"Yeah, thanks," Taylor smiled at her.
I swallowed hard, "I guess, are you sure G?"
She nodded, "Yeah, go have some drinks on me. We're not that busy and we got extra help tonight."
She motioned to the new girl she was training.
"Okay, thanks," I said and fixed myself a captain and coke before joining them on the other side of the bar. We found a table and sat down.
"How've you been?" Taylor asked.
"Peachy," I said gulping down my drink so as to avoid his eyes. I ordered another one. "So Jen tells me you guys are gonna be here for a while?"
"Yeah, we're working on the new album," Taylor said.
"Cool," I said, glancing around the room.
There was an awkward silence for a while. I tried to calm my racing thoughts with a few more drinks. Jen and Zac tried unsuccessfully to keep the conversation going.
"You should slow down," Taylor said to me after my fifth drink arrived. Zac and Jen had went up to the small dance floor leaving us alone.
"I'm fine," I said, playing with the stirrer in my drink. I forced myself to drink it slowly.
"Are you?" he asked softly, taking my hand in his and our eyes finally met briefly before I quickly looked away.
"Yes, Tay," I said, snatching my hand away. "I am."
"Jen told me a little about what's been going on with you," he admitted. Even in the dim light of the bar I could see his cheeks were flushed red.
"Jen doesn't know anything that's been going on with me," I said, narrowing my eyes as I glanced over to where her and Zac were dancing.
"Maybe not," he said. "But she knows enough and I can see by looking at you that things aren't okay. Why didn't you go to college?"
"There was no point," I shrugged. "I've got a good thing here. I make decent money. My rents cheap."
"And easy access to all the booze and drugs you want huh?"
"That's really none of your business," I countered.
"No, I guess it's not," he sighed. "Since you decided it wasn't my business. But that doesn't stop me from worrying about you."
"Well, don't worry about me," I said, shaking my head.
"I'll never stop worrying about you," he admitted, his cheeks flushed again.
"Well, it's time you started," I said. "Because I'm fine. Look it's been real, um, interesting, I guess, seeing you again. But I really should go."
"But, you just got the night off?" he said.
"Yeah, so I'd really rather just go home and relax," I said. "Instead of sitting here, getting lectured and listening to a broken record from three years ago."
"Amelia," he said. "I'm sorry. I didn't come here to lecture you or make you feel bad. I just wanted to see you. I was hoping it would help."
"Oh, you wanna save me again, Tay?" I snapped jumping up out of my seat. "You wanna be the hero, is that it? Sorry, I don't need a fucking hero. I need all of you to leave me the fuck alone."
"That's not going to happen," Taylor barked, standing so he could face me. "We care about you. I care about you. So no, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I'm not gonna let you slowly kill yourself. You're so much better than all of this, why can't you see that?"
"Why can't YOU see that I'm not?" I asked. "We are from very different worlds, you and I. And I don't belong in yours. I never did. I never will. That's why I ended it Taylor. Because we don't belong together."
"Hey guys," Jen said coming over to us. "People are staring, maybe we should go somewhere more private?"
"I was just leaving anyways," I said. "I honestly wish you guys nothing but the best but leave me the hell alone."
I didn't wait for a response from any of them, I just turned and walked out the door.