Broken

Chapter 13

True to his word Taylor wrote me a letter or an email everyday and called me often. It hurt each time I heard from him and I felt awful that I didn't email him as much, but I wanted him to enjoy touring and seeing the world and not be focused on me. I worked and finished high school.
He surprised me by coming to my graduation the following year. After the ceremony and the small celebration Taylor and I went for a walk in the city. He held my hand as we walked in silence for a few blocks.
"I'm really proud of you," he said finally.
I blushed, "Thank you."
"Have you gotten into any college's yet?" he asked.
"A couple," I said. "But I haven't decided if I'm going yet."
"Why not?" he asked stopping.
I shrugged.
"You still think you don't deserve any of this," he observed. "But you do. You know you could go to school closer to Oklahoma, like Missouri or Arkansas or Texas and we could get married and it wouldn't be so far from my family."
"Tay," I said softly. "I -"
"Yeah I know," he said, a hint of aggravation in his voice as he released my hand. "You can't."
"You know why I can't," I said.
He nodded, "We should probably get you back."
"I thought we were gonna go to your hotel?" I asked.
"I don't think it's a good idea," he said. "You're never going to -"
"What happened to not giving up?" I asked. "What happened to waiting for as long as I needed?"
He sighed, "I still feel that way."
"But you don't want to spend your only night in New York with me?"
"I do," he said. "I'm sorry. I guess I just thought it's been almost two years and I can count on one hand how many times we've seen each other. I just want you to be closer to me. I shouldn't have pushed the issue on getting married again. But will you at least consider going to school closer to Oklahoma?"
I nodded, "Yeah, I'll look into it."
He smiled, "I'm sorry."
I kissed him and we continued walking to his hotel. When we reached the block the hotel was on, we could see a small crowd of fans were by the front doors.
"How'd they know you were here?" I asked.
He shrugged, "Diehards know just about every move we make."
"Maybe I shouldn't come up with you," I said
"Yes, you should," he said squeezing my hand. "When we get up there you just go on in and I'll take some pictures and sign some autographs and it'll be good. There's not a lot of them. And they're just fans so it'll be okay."
I nodded, he knew better than I did about this sort of thing so I had to trust him. He held onto my hand until we reached the group of fans.
They began talking to Taylor and amongst themselves about me. A few of them were snapping a ton of pictures. I heard one of them speculate I looked like the runaway girl as I walked into the lobby. Taylor smiled and took pictures with the girls and signed whatever they asked for before coming to meet me in the lobby.
"What'd you tell them?" I asked as we headed to the elevator.
"The truth," he said.
My eyes widened as I stopped walking and my breath caught.
"That you were my girlfriend," he laughed. "I didn't tell them anything about you. Don't worry. As far as they know, you're just some girl from New York I'm dating."
I finally exhaled, "Don't scare me like that."
He grinned and we made our way to his room.
I woke up before dawn in a cold sweat, but that was nothing new. I had been plagued with nightmares for as long as I could remember.
I glanced over at Taylor who was still sound asleep and sighed. I knew he had to leave today. I crept carefully out of bed so as not to disturb him and got dressed. I grabbed my purse and went into the bathroom. I needed a pick me up and I had found something that worked perfectly.
I locked the bathroom door before pulling out the little bag of white powder. I cut a small amount of the powder into a line on the counter. With a rolled up dollar bill, I snorted the cocaine through my nose and leaned back to wait for it to kick in. I rubbed my nose and cleaned up the counter. I twisted the baggy back up before shoving it deep down in my purse.
I washed my face and brushed my teeth before heading back out into the room.
He was still snoring softly. I knew he would be disappointed at my new habits. I pushed the thoughts out of my head and decided to go out and get him some coffee and breakfast. I grabbed the spare key to his room and slipped out of the room quietly.
On my way back to the hotel, I passed a newsstand. One of the tabloids caught my eye. On the front page was a picture of Taylor and I, in front of the hotel. The headline speculated if I was Taylor's new girlfriend. I stopped and bought it just out of panic and curiosity. My heart was racing as I made my way through the lobby.
Taylor was still sleeping when I got back in the room. I set the food down on the table and sat in one of the chairs. I took a deep breath and began reading.
"Oh god!" I gasped as I read. They knew my name and knew Taylor was here for my graduation. It said we were spotted going into the hotel together and Taylor had told the crowd I was his girlfriend.
"Call us crazy but doesn't Miss Lincoln bare a strong resemblance to the young runaway who had caused those Hanson boys so much trouble back in '99?" It read underneath the article with a picture from the hotel last night and, next to it, a grainy picture from the night Taylor had taken me to the restaurant. The picture that had originally led Mitch right to me.
I jumped up and threw the tabloid paper, it hit the cup of coffee I had gotten for Taylor causing it to tip over and spill everywhere.
Taylor jumped up from the commotion.
"What happened?" he asked when he seen me trying to clean up the mess. My heart was racing, my head pounding, my breath quickened, and I was trying my hardest to fight back tears.
"He-he's gonna find me again," I said.
"What?" he asked. "That's not possible."
"Oh no?" I snapped and picked up the tabloid and flung it at him. "'Theyre just fans' right?"
His eyes widened as he saw our picture, "Oh no."
"Turn to page two," I bit. "It gets even better."
"Oh God, Amelia," he said, after he read the article. "I'm so sorry. I didn't -"
"I fucking told you I shouldn't have come up when I saw the crowd out there," I said cutting him off.
"I know," he sighed looking up at me. "This is my fault."
"Again," I snapped.
"That's not fair," he said.
"Isn't it?" I asked hysteria entering my voice. "I told you as soon as I found out you were famous that I couldn't be seen with you. I told you to leave me alone and forget about me, but you wouldn't. You insisted I would be okay. Was I okay? And now I told you I shouldn't have come near this hotel with all those people and cameras out there and again you insisted i would be okay. So please tell me how I'm not being fair?"
He hung his head down, "You're right. I was selfish. I have loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you and it was selfish of me not to listen to you."
I fought the urge to go over to him. I was just as much to blame as he was. I knew it.
"I have to go," I said, gathering my things together.
"Amelia -" he started.
"No," I cut him off. "Just don't. I need you to leave me alone Taylor. I need you to forget about me. Don't say anything that's going to make me change my mind. We aren't right for each other, no matter how much we love each other. Go home, marry some sweet, uncomplicated girl, have lots of babies, make beautiful music, and be happy."
"How can I be happy without you?" he asked, a quiver in his voice.
"You'll figure it out," I said. "It's what you deserve. You don't deserve me."
"I love you," he said.
I sighed and went over to him, "I love you too."
I kissed him gently and quickly walked out of the room and out of his life.