Broken

Chapter 26

Laying next to Jeremy later that night, I listened to his rhythmic breathing and stared at my ceiling. I couldn't sleep after everything that had happened that night. Taylor's words taunted me. The pained expression he wore when I told him to go home appeared every time I closed my eyes. I was so pissed at the way he had acted. I at least pretended to be happy for him and Krystal, don't I deserve the same respect? I didn't want him to be unhappy even if it wasn't me who was making me him happy. Shouldn't he feel that way too?
I rolled over and looked at Jeremy. His skin glistened in the moonlight shining through the window. His lightly stubbled face wore a small smile. I sighed, I was happy with Jeremy. It wasn't fair that I had to have all this extra baggage. It was never fair to Taylor either.
"Maybe I was destined to be alone?" I muttered softly.
Jeremy stirred slightly and rolled over onto his side. I quietly climbed out of bed and went into the kitchen to have a glass of wine in hopes that would help me sleep.
My phone vibrated on the counter next to Jeremy's. I stared at it for a minute before picking it up.
It was a text message from Taylor that read "I know you're up, can you come down here and talk to me?"
I glanced out my window and there he was sitting on the front stoop of my building.
"I don't think it's a good idea," I replied. "You should go. Jeremy is here."
"Either come down here. Or I'm coming up there."
I rolled my eyes and slipped on my shoes and a light jacket. I slid my keys in my jacket pocket and headed out to the stoop to join him.
"You have a lot of nerve," I started.
"You don't love him," he blurted interrupting me.
"You don't know what I feel," I argued.
"Yes I do," he said. "Because I know you. I know your heart. It's the same as mine. You care about him, but you don't love him. It's how I feel about Krystal. It's how I'll feel about anyone if you won't have me. It's how you'll feel about anyone else."
I shook my head, "Taylor this is nuts."
"Is it?" he asked. "I don't care if it is. You are the only one I've ever wanted. I have done everything I can possibly think of to prove that to you. But you still keep pushing me away? Why?"
"You know why," I growled.
"Oh don't give me that I 'deserve better' bullshit," he snapped. "Because there is no one better for me than you!"
He suddenly grabbed me and pulled me into a kiss. A hard, passionate kiss that I couldn't resist kissing him back.
"No," I stammered, finally pulling away. "I - I can't do this. I won't do this! Jeremy is upstairs sleeping. You're right, Taylor, I do love you, I always have and I always will but you need to leave."
"I'm not leaving," he stated flatly.
"Fine," I said, shaking my head. "Stay out here all night if you have to, I'm going to bed."
I turned to head back into the building.
"Amelia!" he called out.
"What?" I asked not turning to face him.
"You know we belong together," he said. "I know you know it. I know you feel it the same as I do. We have always found our way back to each other. And we always will. Remember what I told you after the first time I had to let you go?"
"What's meant to be will always find a way," I said softly, before turning to face him again.
"You do remember?" he smiled.
"Of course I do," I snapped. "Maybe we are meant to be, but you showing up at my house at 3 o'clock in the morning demanding it isn't going to make it happen. I am in a healthy, steady relationship for the first time in my life and instead of seeing that, you try to ruin that? This is the love you claim you have for me? Ya know that first night I met Krystal she told me to stay away from you, that she wasn't going to allow me to ruin her chance of marrying you or ruin your life anymore. I was so pissed that I sought you out to tell you that and
"But you didn't?"
"No I didn't," I said. "You know why?"
He shook his head no.
"Because when I did find you, you went on and on about how happy you were with her, and I couldn't do that to you. It killed me to hear you say those things. But I kept my mouth shut because I wanted you to be happy, even if it wasn't with me. My own needs didn't matter because you were happy and that's all I've ever wanted."
He looked down shamefully. He shuffled his feet for a minute before looking back up at me. I could see his watery blue eyes looked extra watery as they glistened with tears.
"I'm sorry," he said. "You're right, I'm being selfish. I do want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy. I shouldn't be trying to mess it up because I'm jealous. I know it's not a good enough excuse but I love you so much it just drives me crazy. I've tried everything to get over you, but nothing worked. I'll see something beautiful and it reminds me of you. I'll hear some story on the news of some girl being abused and I think of you. Just about every song I write is about you in some way. I'll see something I know you would love and I want to buy it for you. I don't know how to stop loving you. I don't know how to move on. How did you manage to move on?"
"Who says I did?" I asked.
His eyes met mine in surprise but before he could respond the door to the building opened behind me.
"Amelia there you are!" Jeremy's voice said relieved. "I woke up and you were gone. I got worried."
That's when he noticed Taylor standing on the bottom step. He stiffened his back and his face grew serious.
"What's going on?" he asked, looking back at me.
"It's my fault," Taylor said before I could answer. "I texted her and made her come down here. I'm still drunk and she was trying to convince me to go back to Zac's. I was making it difficult for her. She has too big of a heart and couldn't just leave me out here by myself."
My eyes flickered to Taylor as Jeremy looked at me for confirmation on Taylor's story. I saw it in his eyes, he was trying to let me go and as much as I said I had wanted him to it still broke my heart.
"Yeah that's what happened," I swallowed hard. "I had just convinced him to get a cab right before you came down."
"I see," Jeremy said a little unsure if he believed me or not. "Well why don't you come up, call a cab and get yourself a cup of coffee while you wait?"
Always the gentleman, I couldn't help but think.
"Nah it's okay," Taylor said. "There's a little diner on the corner. I think I'll grab a bite to eat then call a cab. But thanks man I appreciate it."
He held out his hand and Jeremy shook it.
"It was nice meeting you," Taylor said. "I really am sorry for the way I behaved. I guess I'll see you two at the wedding. Amelia I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Take care of her Jeremy, she's something special."
Jeremy nodded and squeezed me to him, "You won't have to worry about that. I know how special she is."
I couldn't speak. I didn't know what to say.
Taylor just smiled before turning and walking away. I fought back tears and leaned into Jeremy.
"Sorry about that," I said softly.
"It's not your fault," he said. "Come on let's go inside. You must be freezing, you're shivering so hard you're shaking!"
I nodded, letting him believe it was from the cool air that was causing me to shake. We went back inside and he tucked me back into bed before climbing in next to me and wrapping me in his arms.
"Is that better?" he asked referring to the warmth of the bed and his arms.
"Yes, much," I smiled. "Thank you."
He kissed my shoulder and the nape of my neck before laying his head back down. A short while later he was sleeping again. I envied his ability to fall into a peaceful sleep without having nagging thoughts or bouts of anxiety keeping you awake. But just as I was about to give up and get up again, I fell asleep.

"Good morning sleepy head," I heard Jeremy's voice say as he shook me gently awake.
I groaned and tried to bury my face in my pillow. I had tossed and turned most of the night. Waking every hour or so after battling dream demons of my past.
"I made coffee," he cooed trying to coax me up. "And bacon."
I opened one eye and looked at him, "Bacon?"
"And pancakes with strawberries and bananas," he grinned.
"My kryptonite!" I grumbled, sitting up.
He chuckled and smoothed my hair down for me.
"Hey I was setting a new trend," I swatted his hands away.
He laughed, "Well excuse me! Come on grumpy pants, let's go eat before it gets cold."
He grabbed my hand and helped me up.
He really was too good to me, so why couldn't I stop thinking about Taylor?
After breakfast, he had to run to work, promising to pick up Chinese for an evening of snuggles and Netflix. Which to me sounded perfect after last nights excitement.

Once he was gone, I crawled back into bed for a few more hours. When I came to it was early afternoon. I checked my phone and saw I had a text from Jen that read, "Hey girl call me. Need to talk."
I yawned and dialed her number.
"What's up?" I asked when she answered.
"What happened last night?" She asked.
"What do you mean?"
"With Taylor?" she inquired. "He came back to the house early this morning and said he was leaving, going back to Tulsa and he'd see us at the wedding."
I explained to her what had happened after we had parted ways with her and Zac last night.
"Wow," she said. "He is so lucky Jeremy isn't the type to beat his ass."
"Yeah that's the last thing I'd need right now," I scoffed.
"I know I'm just saying," she said.
"I know," I sighed. "I just don't know what to do Jen. I want Taylor to give me the space to try and continue to be happy with Jeremy, but ever since last night I can't stop thinking about him. What is wrong with me?"
"Nothing!" she argued. "Taylor is a huge part of who you were, who you've always been. Jeremy is a part of you now. That's up to you to figure out how large of a part. And probably fast, it seems like he has fallen for you and you still don't even know how you really feel about him."
"I adore Jeremy!" I defended.
"Yes but do you love him?" She asked.
"In a way," I sighed.
"In what way?" she continued. "In a 'fiery, passionate, can't live without him' kind of way? Or in a 'he's a great guy, but it wouldn't be the end of the world if he left' kind of way? Or in a 'he's like my best friend whom I have sex with' kind of way?"
"Jen..." I said not knowing to answer. "I don't need an interrogation."
"You need to figure this out," she said pointedly. "And quickly, before that boy does something crazy."
"Which boy?" I asked.
"Either of them," she said. "You need to figure it out before it's too late."