THE PAST, THE PRESENT, & THE FUTURE, txt ✓

04. Letter Four, To Kai Huening

to kai huening, the one with whom i need to clear the tension...
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I bet you never expected to receive this letter from me. I'm writing this to make one thing clear, Kai, and it's that no, I don't hate you for liking me. I could never hate you. I don't know if you still have feelings for me, so this may hurt, but honestly, I saw you as a cute little brother.

But at the same time, I know I shouldn't have started avoiding you at all when I heard about it. Would it have made any difference? If I didn't know, I would have hung out with you sometimes anyway, and knowing just...I'm sorry, is all. That was a horrible thing to do and you didn't deserve that, especially when we were just becoming close.

I'm sure you've guessed this, but the reason I know about it is because someone couldn't keep their mouth shut. I learned of it when I was away camping with my fellow Girl Scouts. It's not as if I particularly like most of them, but I like the challenges presented to me and you may have figured out that I like avoiding things that make me uneasy, which was exactly what I was doing by joining the Girl Scouts.

It was on the first night, when we were inside our tents and just nodding off to sleep. A girl suddenly whispered to me, "hey, do you know Kai Huening?"

"Who, Lea's brother?" I asked. I'm not particularly close with your sister, but she's so sweet and nice that it's impossible not to like her, just like you. "Yeah, why?"

"I heard that he likes you," she said.

"Stop feeding me crap all the time," I said, rolling my eyes. She'd already told me a lot of things, untrue things, and I wasn't ready to hear another. "He's only in middle school. I'm three years older than him."

"Since when has age difference stopped people from having feelings?" she challenged, and I had to admit she had a point. Still, I found myself in disbelief. You and I had hung out a few times at that point and I found no reason for you to like me.

According to the girl, the first time had a proper conversation was when you first liked me a little bit. Previously, you had seen me around the area since both the middle and high schools were in the same vicinity, and often with your sister as we walked together. I remember meeting you a few times, actually, because Lea had to pick up both you and your younger sister Bahiyyih by order of your parents to go home together.

Perhaps I was a fool for not noticing, since I already did have experience identifying when a guy was interested in me, but you were young. I didn't seriously expect you to like me, which sounds very hurtful now that I say it.

Another thing to apologize for.

I do, in fact, remember that day when we had our first proper conversation. It was a day when Lea was out sick, so I took the normal route which led past your school. There I was, minding my own business, just heading for home, overthinking I did as per usual, when I heard shouts and laughter—and someone crying.

Certainly, I was curious, and the crying concerned me. I rounded the corner and pushed through the side gate, feeling too aware that any adult could come up and ask me what I was doing inside a middle school, but that feeling of fear was overpowered by my curiosity, concern, and of course the anger I felt when I saw the scene in front of me.

Two boys physically attacking you. I'm not sure why people still feel the need to resort to such measures when they can just leave well alone and mind their own business. I stood there, listening, and from what I gathered, I realized they were your regular school bullies, harassing you for being of mixed race.

They were calling you names and you were trying to duck away and run, but it was difficult when they were faster and more agile. I had to step in, so I marched right up, pulled you away by the arm and pushed you behind me. The boys were definitely taller than me, since I've always been short for my age. But they saw an older girl and a figure of authority in that moment and that's what scares a lot of people—authority figures.