THE PAST, THE PRESENT, & THE FUTURE, txt ✓

05. Letter Five, To Kang Taehyun

to kang taehyun, the one who i don't blame for what happened...
_____________________________________________

Taehyun, I miss you. I really do. Sometimes, it's a growing ache that refuses to be alleviated no matter what I do; sometimes, it's a sharp, piercing pain—a stab of want, a stab of desire to see you again, to hug you as I once did when you were fifteen. It's a cherished memory, you know. I've said this truth many times, but I'm a coward.

Despite the way you just walked out of my life, I don't hate you for it, because I understand you. We both walk away—no, run away from things from that hurt us, scare us, right?

I think this letter is going to be short, yet it's the only letter I've ever wanted to write so much in my life. Know that despite the limited contents of this letter, it still carries more emotional weight than I can describe.

Going back to when we first met, it's a memory that's faded around the edges but still remains clear. It was the local library when I was a few days short of being sixteen, and you were only thirteen, and I had gone to get some reading done for a school project. I think it was something about atoms.

Do you remember the library? It was quite cozy, air-conditioned with bright lighting that was just dim enough that it didn't hurt our eyes, shelves stacked along the walls with spaces in the corners, armchairs tucked into those corners, tables along one wall and beneath a window, my favorite spot. There were armchairs along the windows, too, and if I wasn't studying, I would sit there to read. It was at the top floor of the mall.

What happened was the usual cliché, except there was nothing romantic about it. All that happened was that as I passed by with my hands full of books, you backed away from a shelf at the same time I crossed behind you. We crashed, and my books went flying, your book skittered across the floor.

You apologized profusely, and I was babbling apologies just as much. We both unharmed and uninjured, so we went our separate ways across the library and sat quietly doing our own thing. I looked over once to see that you were absorbed in your book.

I just shrugged and went back to taking notes.

The library has always been my safe spot when things get too bad at home, so I often went there. You were always there, sitting at the corner armchair, curled up with a different book every week. You never stayed longer than two hours, either.

Sometimes you sat at the corner table, scribbling in books while glancing at books. A few times you had your earphones in so you didn't hear me come in. But most days, you heard, you looked up, and you smiled at me. I never could prevent myself from smiling back—I mean, come on. Who doesn't smile at a cute kid?

I kept running into you for about a month before we got to the phase where we said 'hi' to each other every day. I would wave and smile with a small greeting, and you would smile shyly back at me and say your own hellos. Then we went back to doing our own thing, whether it be reading or studying.

Another month passed before I worked up the courage to slide into the seat next to you and say hi. You were fourteen then, and although I didn't know it, my breakup with the famous Yeonjun you heard about for a while was only months away.

We struck up a hesitant conversation that got warmer as we went along. I knew what the others my age would say—why are you hanging out with a kid? Really, Nari, a kid? You spend your time at the library with a kid?

I didn't care. You were a lot more mature than most kids my age, and you were easy to hang out with. Although after a while I persuaded you to call me by 'noona,' you never talked to me like I was an older girl. You talked to me as if I was genuinely your friend. That kept me coming back to the library every day I could, even with any and all drama going on in my life.