Fallen angels

Castle walls

Coward, selfish, self centered, ugly, fat, loser, liar, stupid, ungrateful, dumb, freak, worthless. I have been called them all, so many times that frankly I started to believe they are all telling the truth. I am a selfish self-centered bitch who cares about no one and nothing but herself. I am a stupid dumb bimbo who can't do shit. I am a nothing. I am a piece of trash lying on the side of the road waiting for someone to pick it up and dump it where it belongs. I am that person everyone pretends to love but behind their back is about entirely different thing. I am that girl everyone befriends to become popular, well-known and famous. I am that person everyone looks after to look kind and make me feel like I should be grateful to them because who am I without them. Who am I, anyway?

Who am I and who is me? People ask me that all the time. Who are you? It gets me thinking, who am I? I have built those walls, those high solid walls to keep everyone out. To keep everyone from knowing me. To keep everyone from knowing me from getting close to me then running away. I have built those walls to keep myself buried away that I forgot who I am. I forgot who I was supposed to be. Was I supposed be happy? Was I supposed to be funny, beautiful? Was I supposed to be sensitive, talented? I don't know! I am numb I am so numb and so cold inside. I feel nothing, I can't feel anything else other than nothing.

I feel so alone and so small. I feel like a China doll. One wrong move and I roll be nothing at all. I feel so broken and so broke. I am feel like a fading memory. Just a little more time and I would be nothing at all.

I want to scream but my voice is lost. I am laughing smiling outside but on the inside I am hurting. Inside I am falling apart. I am hanging together by a thin thread that is getting to weak. It can barely hold me together now. I am clawing. I am clawing at myself so hard. I am bleeding but that is alright. I am bruising but that is fine. I am scaring but that is only the start. I like the pain, it keeps me breathing. It reminds me that I could still feel, that I was still alive. But it is getting so distant now. Even the burning pain can't feel me with the peace I so deeply crave.

But that is alright, it is alright. I still have my walls. I still have my castle walls. So high in the sky and so strong. I still have my castle walls they will keep me safe. They will stop the ache and they will stop the pain. I will just have to keep hiding behind my castle walls.