Expectations (wlw)

Chapter 15

When everything was laid out in the open, and all missing parts were accounted for--more or less--the two adults in the room visibly relaxed.

You could track the progress of the tale from their body language. When Emil confirmed that the emails were real, their shoulders tensed even more than before she arrived. When she explained how they came to light, the Baron leaned forward in his chair, the Attorney steepled her fingers together in interest, and I held my breath.

Because it certainly wasn’t me. I didn’t even know that Aunt and Uncle were sending me emails about that.

Here, Emil faltered and looked at me. “It’s someone you might want to talk to yourselves.”

Attorney Isobel pinched the bridge of her nose and sighed a deliberate breath.

“But it wasn’t Sam! I’m vouching for her right now. If she was really--“ A pause to give her next words some thought, “--If she was really after marrying Fairul for those reasons, she could have done a much better job at getting that done by now. You know how Fairul feels.”

Three pairs of eyes swiveled toward my face. Despite myself, I blushed.

The Baron nodded and looked out at one of the high windows. “Let’s retire for the night. I think we’ve discussed as much as we can for now.”

“You are no longer arrested, Miss Samantha,” said the Attorney, to Emil’s bewilderment.

“Come with me. I’ll show you to a room.” My friend put her hand on my back as I passed by her on my way out of the dining room and gave me a little smile.

The Attorney was quiet as she led me through corridors. The room we came to was one I recognized; it was the same one I stayed in last time.

When all that was left to do was to say good night, Attorney Isobel hovered by the open doorway and cleared her throat.

“Miss Santander. Samantha,” she said, tone grave and serious. “You have to understand. The Baron and I are in a delicate position. I apologize for the inconvenience, but not for my intent. There will have to be an investigation sill. None of us want an international incident.”

I wasn’t guilty of anything those emails seemed to accused me of, and I’ll spend my last breath standing my ground if I had to.

The Attorney rested a hand on the doorknob. “But I don’t want you thinking that I’m only invested in this matter as a lawyer looking to protect my client. I am also a worried parent. Let me ask you this, if not for a conspiracy, if not for a scheme, if not to dupe her into whatever con, then what, exactly, are you doing with my daughter?”

I think I would rather be arrested than answer that question.

This entire time, I thought I was living through regular people things. There was me, there was a girl, and we were dancing around a thing we didn’t want to talk about--us.

Having my life turned upside-down, then right-side-up again--I think--sped up the thinking process. Attorney Isobel was kind enough to patiently witness me speedrun a crisis about her daughter.

“I like Fairul,” I said, voice solid despite my insides feeling like jelly. “I don’t care how suspicious that sounds or how it looks. I’ll tell her myself, and I’ll explain all of this, and then we can move on from there.”

The Attorney smiled and shook her head. “Then I wish you the best of luck. My daughter is strong-willed, as they say.”

She hesitated when closing the door. “For what it’s worth, we’re rooting for you. Good night, Miss Samantha.”

I stood there for a moment after the door shut, mulling this information over. I can bet I’ll be doing a lot of that.

I climbed into bed, still thinking about it all, and--before my brain could short-circuit--fell asleep in my clothes.

I didn’t rest very well. I kept waking up in the night and thinking about what I’ll even say to Fairul. How do you tell your almost-but-not-quite girlfriend that you are not, in fact, after the status and wealth you’d get by getting together with them without sounding like a complete sleaze?

Girlfriends. What a concept. I would love for things to be that simple. But they’re not, and in spite of it all, I’m willing to fight for it.

In a morning spent languishing in bed and lamenting the tragedies of my life, the thought of Fairul and I having a future together startled me. But instead of surprise, it was a sure kind of calm I was feeling when I realized how much I wanted it.

Someone knocked on the door.

“Come in.” It opened and Emil poked her head through the gap.

“Hey. How are you?” I made a grunting noise in reply. “I figured. Let’s get something to eat.”

We were alone in the fining hall again, just like the last time I had breakfast in this house. Our quiet chewing was disrupted by the Attorney coming in to ask if we wanted to go back to school today, and that she’d handle it if we didn’t. We decided to make the most of it.

Emil asked me to walk with her after the meal.

“Do you know why I hang out here often?” she said, startling me. We had spent most of the walk in silence--unusual for her--and now we were in the shade of the trees that surrounded the estate.

“My mother’s dead.” She continued before I could even open my mouth to say anything. “My father--bless him--never recovered. He says he’s fine, but all of his girlfriends have kind of looked like her since. She, uh, it was a fire. In one of her laboratories when I was twelve.”

She shook her head. “The point is, I don’t like being home. Because dad--I know he means well--sucks at being a parent.”

Emil threw a sidelong glance at me. “Home’s not a place, you know. The Graciáns are awkward and way too formal sometimes, but they’ve been good to me.”

“You, though. The people who’re supposed to look after you are awful, if almost landing you in jail is anything to go by.”

“Why are you telling me this?” I said, pushing down the thought that Emil somehow knows I’m an orphan. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m honored that you’re willing to be vulnerable with me.”

She stopped walking and leaned against a tree. “You’re my friend. I trust you. And I wanted to tell you that you can be vulnerable with me.”

Emil looked at me like she was waiting for something. I stuffed my hands into my pockets. She smiled, kicked off the tree, and wrapped me in a bear hug.

“Did you know my parents are dead?” My voice cracked; tenderness is unfamiliar and I am never prepared.
I thought I felt her nod. When she verbally confirmed, I had to lean back. I half-expected this, but it was still jarring to have it be real.

“How?”

I could hear her grit her teeth. “Fairul told me.”

Well, I didn’t tell Fairul. Gently clasping her fact by the shoulder, I peered into her face. “What else did she tell you?”

I’m not entirely sure why that put me on the defensive. Maybe it was because Fairul knew the one thing about me I didn’t tell her, or maybe it was because there were things that happened between Fairul and I that I didn’t want to share, that I wanted Fairul and our memories together all for myself. But it could have been for any reason.

“Not much else. Just you and emails and--“ She swallowed, “--Christina.”

I gripped her harder, on impulse. “What about Christina?”

“Fairul says that’s how she found out. Or something. She was still incoherent last night.”

Belatedly, I relaxed my hold. This brings more questions than answers. “Sorry. I think I’ll need to talk to her myself.”

“That’ll be an uncomfortable conversation, but I do think it’s the best way forward. Let’s just hope Fairul has calmed down.”

“I didn’t mean her. I need to talk to Christina.”

I wouldn’t say that Emil opposed this idea, but she did try to talk me out of it. Nonetheless, she got a car to take us back to the academy within the day.

There were a few students present when we exited the vehicle. I stepped out first, and then Emil. The whispers erupted.

Pushing past the vanguard, Nathan shoved through the crowd like a hoplite breaking formation. He stopped in front of me.

“Samantha, what in god’s name is happening?” He looked like he wanted to shake me by the shoulders, so I grabbed his arms first.

“Where is Christina?”

“I don’t know.” He grappled me back in response. “Where have you been?”

I shook him off. To Emil: “I’m going to go look for her.”

And before they could protest, I took off in the direction of the dorms.

I don’t think I’ve climbed stairs as quickly as I did then, but Christina’s roommate was the one who answered, bewildered and slightly concerned about how violently I pounded on the door.

If she wasn’t in her room, then she’s perching on some tree like she always does, which is how I found myself stalking through the grove. I came close to yelling her name.

I didn’t have to, though. Within seconds of stomping into the denser part of the woods, she called out behind a tree.

“Heard you were looking for me.”
A feral impulse to throw myself at her sparked in my chest when I saw how smug she was. I held back, composing myself enough to think through what I was going to say.

“You caused all of this.”

She had the gall to look offended. “No, you did. Don’t play dumb, it doesn’t suit you.”

Christina crossed the distance between us and pressed an accusatory finger to my chest. “You can’t get away with this, not if I can help it.”

She physically pushed my jaw shut when I tried to talk. “I know you think I’m just trying to fuck Fairul, but I’m not standing by to let this happen to her because I’m a real friend.”

She stepped away from me in contempt. “You did break her heart though. Was that intentional?”

“First of all, you got it wrong. Second, how did you even access my account?” At this point, it was all but confirmed.

She glanced at her nails in an unceremonious attempt to look casual. “You need to put passwords on things.”

The misplaced laptop. I knew something was wrong.

“You had no right--“

I had never seen Christina show genuine emotion before, so I was taken aback when she exploded at me.

“Bullshit! You’ve got no business still fighting for this lie.”

“It’s not a lie,” wheezed Emil, emerging from the trees. Which is good timing, because I was barely holding back from tackling Christina to the ground.

Again, fascinating to witness Christina display her feelings so openly. Her expression showed bafflement as she looked from Emil to me.

“You’ve gotten better at running. Track paid out, huh?” Emil put a hand against a tree trunk to steady herself.

“Excuse me,” interrupted Christina. “What is this?”

“She’s innocent!”

“I don’t believe you.” She enunciated every word, pausing despite herself.

“You don’t have to, because you’ll believe the investigation when it turns up.”

Several emotions passed over her face. Impassioned confusion won out. My vehemence that I was innocent did very little, but Emil’s word was enough to throw her off balance.
Finally she shook her head. “This is messed up. I have nothing left to say to you.”

But I did.

“Why did you do it?” I called to her retreating figure. At the lack of a response: “Were you so desperate about Fairul and I that you’d try anything at that point?”

The bait worked. Christina whirled around and lunged at me at a speed that made me flinch.

“You shut your mouth, ” she hissed, grabbing fistfuls of my shirt. “You don’t know anything.”

She let go and turned to leave. I grabbed her arm. I still had questions. Christina yanked away with much more force than necessary.

I watched her leave, something hot and burning clawing out of my chest.

“Sam, maybe you should take a moment,” said Emil. I forgot she was there.

I inhaled and breathed out slowly. “You’re right. I’ll reflect, after I talk to Fairul.”

Emil kept giving me worried glances the entire time we marched up to my dorm room. I didn’t ask her to come, but she followed me and on several occasions made a halting little noise like she was going to say something.

When we arrived at the door, I took a breath. All of the anger from minutes ago had left me, like I’d deflated. I was apprehensive now.

I knocked. Nobody replied.

The doorknob turned when I tried it, but the door stayed put. She was here.

I knocked again, more deliberate this time.

“Sam, she might not even be in there.” Emil laid a hand on my shoulder. I barely heard her over my own heartbeat.

Before I could lose my mind, the tell-tale rattle of chains sounded from behind the wood, and the door pulled open.

Fairul was dressed in a plain shirt with the sleeves folded up to her elbows. Something wrapped around my heart and squeezed.

Her face was cast in shadow, but she looked better than I remembered. Her mouth twisted, then relaxed as she decided against whatever she was going to say.

“May I come in,” I said, calm for the situation. Calm like that which precedes a storm. She stepped to the side to let me through, and I closed the door on Emil. I wanted us alone.

After all this time, Fairul and I were finally face to face. She stuffed her hands in her pockets, but they still trembled. She crossed her arms roughly, in the jerking movements of someone too angry to be casual, when I said her name.

I broke first.

“Why?” I didn’t know what specific thing I was asking, because I was asking for many, and I didn’t know if I could handle her answer to any of them.

She pressed her lips together into a tight line.

“If you knew, all this time, why didn’t you say anything?”

“I didn’t know what to say!” Her voice startled me. She sounded like she didn’t speak for weeks. Or that she had been crying that entire time.
I stepped closer, wanting on impulse to hold her. She backed away.

“Why are you here? What else do you want from me?”

I opened my mouth and closed it again. There was so much I wanted to tell her, but I knew there were so man y ways I could make it worse somehow.

“What have you been thinking all this time?” Her brow furrowed.

“Please, Fairul. You don’t have all the pieces, and I want to explain myself.”
She only scoffed, so I continued. “Christina showed you those emails, but I wasn’t involved, I swear. I know I didn’t tell you all those things about me, but I didn’t think they mattered. I’m sorry you found out like that, but that’s how I knew about it too.”

I’ve witnessed too many people get mad and confused in such a short time frame that I think I’m the problem. Fairul pinched the bridge of her nose.

“Are your parents dead?”

“Yes.” The question took me by surprise.

“Are you under the care of other people?”

“Yes. They are related to me though--“

“Are these people telling you to--“ She swallowed and took a breath, “--to get with me because of who I am?”

“It’s not like that--“

“Yes or no, Samantha.” Her voice quivered and her shoulders were shaking.

“Yes. I wouldn’t lie to you. We both saw those emails.”

“Then,” she said, “what pieces am I missing?”

Fairul stood her ground, but her breaths were raw and heavy and she was fighting to stay still. I wanted to hold her and tell her I’d never betray her and make promises I would keep--

But these words were too many and too small for what I wanted her to know. Instead:

“I think I love you.”

A scream tore from her throat, and it died as quickly as it erupted.

“Don’t do this to me!” She pressed her hands to her face. “I can’t fucking take--“

Her entire body racked with a sob, and Fairul dropped to her bed and cried.

I had already made my way to her side when she flung out an arm to ward me off.

“Don’t touch me.” My hand hovered over her back. “Just go. Please.”

I stood there for a moment, something heavy threatening to swallow my heart and crush my ribcage.

“Of the things I told you,” I said, at last, voice thick and shaking. “They were real. All of them. I was real.”

I left then, shutting the door quickly and quietly. To my mild surprise, Emil was sat against the wall, hugging her knees.

“Sam?” If she noticed that I had tears streaming down my face--I didn’t, but my hand came away wet when I grazed my cheek in a bid to hide--Emil didn’t mention it.

“Can I sleep in your room tonight?”

Emil didn’t even ask, though I supposed she might have heard it all, sitting against the wall like that.
She just led me to her room and excused herself. Whether it was because she didn’t want to deal with me or that she wanted to give me privacy, I was glad for the solitude when I sank to the floor and beat at it, crying.

I don’t know how long I was on my knees, attacking the floorboards when I wanted to attack myself. I must have tired myself out. The flesh is weak, but the spirit is willing; my mind was in overdrive.

The entirety of my life so far has been punctuated with awful things, and I was tired of just taking it. I was tired of things just happening to me. It’s about time I took control.

If I’m bound to crash, then I might as well be the one flying.

It had been hours since I sat down and made Emil’s desk my office of operation. She walked in on me making a call, loose sheets of paper strewn about the corner I was in.

After a quick confirmation, I hung up. Emil carried a covered dish and I looked out the window to see that it was dark outside.

“I know you don’t feel like eating, but you should anyway.” She set it down in front of me.

“Thank you,” I said, and meant it.

I swept everything aside so I could eat properly, because Emil looked hopeful. Satisfied, she disappeared to somewhere as I made my brain hyper-focus on the meal. Minutes later, she emerged from the bathroom.

“Sam?” She had a towel around her head.

“Hm?”

“What are you going to do now?”

“I’m leaving tomorrow.”

Emil stopped fluffing at her hair and spun to face me. “Leaving? Where are you going?”

“I have something to take care of. It won’t be forever.”

She still looked crestfallen. “Promise me you’ll come back.”

“I promise I’ll keep in touch.” Emil gave a little whine at that, and it felt mean to laugh, so I sighed instead.

“I don’t know. It’ll depend on how the investigation turns out. It might not even be my choice.”

“I’ll help you clear your name.” Emil looked so resolute that a chuckle escaped me before I could stop it.
I made my way to her and took her into a hug. She reciprocated immediately.

“Thank you. For believing me. You were right to, but you had no basis for it and you could have easily believed Christina instead."

She squeezed harder. “My basis is that I knew you were a better person than what they were accusing you of.”

I was surprised to find tears in my eyes at that, so I wiped them off as subtle as I can before detaching myself from Emil.

“You should take the bed,” she said.

“What? No, I can’t kick you out of your own bed.”

“You’re not sleeping on the floor, you’ll ruin your back.” She put her hands on her hips. “You have somewhere to be tomorrow.”

“I can sleep on the floor.”

“No.”

"How about we both take the bed? It’s big enough.”

Emil crossed her arms. “I would have suggested it, but I didn’t know how you felt about sharing.”

My traitorous brain showed me all the mornings I woke up with Fairul in my arms, and had to shake my head to dispel them.

“It’s fine,” I said, steadily.

Emil jumped in her bed. “I’ll be taking this side, if you don’t mind."

She made a show of wrapping herself in a blanket.

“I didn’t realize you went to bed so early.”

She cracked one eye open and winked. “Lots of things you don’t know about me.”

I sat at her desk for a long while, her deepening breaths the contending white noise to the buzz inside my head. By the time I got out of the shower, she was fast asleep.

I slid into bed and willed for sleep to silence everything.