Slenderverse One-shots

Being Human ⊗ EMH

Request: HABIT tries to be human

"Teach me."

Vinny looked up from across the room, confusion clouding his expression. "What?"

"I'm curious, teach me what it's like to be a human." HABIT stared at him, the request seemed genuine but it was still unexpected. Many of their viewers already knew HABIT wasn't human, as he did very little to hide it. It was baffling why he'd want to learn now.

"Um... why, exactly?"

"Your short, unimportant lives always amused me..." Well, the insult was more in character for him so Vinny supposed HABIT wasn't entirely losing it. "Humor me. Show me what humans normally do when their lives aren't on the verge of being taken."

It still wasn't the answer he'd wanted and Vinny was fairly certain this was either going to be used to torment him or was HABIT's way of coming up with new creative ways to torture their 'guests'. Either way, he couldn't exactly tell the entity to shove it.

"Okay..."

It wasn't the worst mistake Vinny had ever made but sometimes he regretted it. They started with 'easy' human things: cleaning, hygiene, and cooking. HABIT wasn't a slob but he did tend to waltz around covered in blood and ragged clothing way too often. Vinny sometimes had to wonder how the cops hadn't been called about it yet. Not to mention the constant supply of pizza and fast food. It was enough that just the name of a fast food joint could make him gag by now. He couldn't imagine what all of it was doing to Evan's body and had to wonder if Evan was even still alive in there.

The process was... slow. HABIT was either stubborn or just really trying to test his patience. Vinny once again took a deep breath. "No, no... you'll burn the house down—though I'm sure you'd love that."

"So... what? I have to actually wait? Turning up the heat should cook things faster."

"That's... that's just not how it works okay?" He jolted as HABIT dumped the charred remains down the garbage disposal, the knife sliding down the drain with it. The entity was about to flip the switch with a suspicious grin when Vinny shouted at him. "Wait! You can't just turn it on with silverware in there. You'll break it."

That smirk was still on his face as he began reaching into the drain. "Alright, I'll take it out."

"No!" Exasperated, he risked pushing HABIT away from the sink entirely. "You'll cut your hand off or something."

"What? You think the disposal's going to get possessed and turn on or something?"

"Just... Let's move onto something else for now." He glanced up and down at the tattered plaid jacket and jeans. "Clothes. You can't just walk around in that. People will see that and the blood and call the police."

"Like they could stop me." A huff escaped the entity, partially amused at the thought of how much fun he could have with that while also thinking about how they'd dare try to challenge him.

"Not the point."

HABIT grumbled under his breath as he let Vinny lead the way upstairs and to one of the bedrooms. The man tried not to think about the previous owner as he began going through the closet. "Um, okay. These look like they'd fit... Feel free to pick stuff out."

He'd left the room, not wanting to feel as though he was invading Evan's privacy even if it wasn't him in control. Besides, no matter what HABIT picked out it'd be better than what he'd been wearing. At least... that's what he'd thought. The entity always had a flair for mis-matched outfits but seeing him come out with a ridiculous tropical print button up shirt with the most red-neck USA shirt underneath, jeans that were actually the most normal part of the outfit, and his white fedora... Vinny just stood there silently.

"You gonna close your mouth or are you trying to hint at something?" He was clearly pleased with the reaction.

"I, uh, yeah. That's... better." He snapped his mouth shut and turned around. "Huhmm, let's go to the store, buy some stuff to make dinner."

"How much do ba—"

"I know what you're going to say. Don't you dare." He gave HABIT a sharp look over his shoulder. "Please do not try to eat a baby or anyone else while we're there."

"You must be real fun at parties."

A whistle pierced the air as HABIT called for one of the weird pets he used to film around the house. Vinny shook his head again. "No, we are not taking that with us. Do you know what people would do?"

"Freak out."

"Exactly. Now, come on. I'm going to, regretfully, let you drive." He hoped this wasn't signing his death warrant. It was unlikely, he'd probably signed that long ago.

Thankfully, HABIT's attempts to commit murder via their busted down car didn't work. The hunk of junk could barely hit thirty and the pair managed to make it to the store without much fuss—aside from the entity's grumblings of disappointment. Vinny grabbed a cart and pushed it to the produce section, fully aware if he'd let HABIT do it he'd probably run it into his ankles at every given opportunity.

"Can't believe you want to make hamburgers. Aren't you sick of them?" He sighed, picking up the package and dropping it in the cart before moving on.

"Well it wasn't my first choice."

"You can't just go around asking if you can eat someone's child!" Vinny harshly whispered back, though still caught someone giving them a look and leaving the area. "Great."

"Never said I was going to ask. You know picking it up and taking—"

"That's even worse."

HABIT gave a low snarl of annoyance and stalked after his little pet. Clearly his running joke about this wasn't getting anywhere. "I swear it's almost like you don't even know who I am."

"Doesn't matter. You wanted to play human so here we are." A thrill shot through him, he'd never been able to talk back so much without HABIT lashing out.

The two wandered the store for a bit, finally getting a little serious with their task. After checking out, Vinny decided he had to silently admit HABIT wasn't the worst at pretending to be a human... He just never seemed to care about hiding the fact he wasn't. "Least now we have some variety to eat..."

Cooking was another matter. He didn't know how it happened but he'd left HABIT alone to flip the burgers for ten seconds and came back to see the food was on fire. If he was being honest, he'd almost think HABIT was trying to pretend he was a Sims character. Growing tired, Vinny just helped clean up the area and prepped some food himself.

"How long do you plan to keep this up?" He sat down at the table with his plate, watching as HABIT played with one of his many knives. "I mean, clearly you're just doing this to fuck with me."

"You haven't taught me anything."

Alarm shot through him at the sudden cold tone. "W-what?"

"I wanted to learn what it's like to be human."

"Well... this... this is what people do."

The knife flashed as HABIT pointed it at him. "Yes but this is just... part of it. The surface. The boring shit. It doesn't make you human."

Silence fell between them. Vinny eyed the weapon with more caution than a few seconds prior. Was HABIT going to punish him for whatever he'd done wrong? He hated how his stomach churned with fear.

"Tomorrow... you'll do it right." The knife was back to being examined by its owner, pointed safely away from Vinny. "Show me... humanity as a whole. Make me see how your species is defined. Morality seems like a good place to start... Don't tell me you don't hate how I feel nothing for what I've done. Show me how you humans use all that brain power you brag about to show self-consciousness and all that... mushy nonsense."

A sharp grin spread across HABIT's face as he mocked and challenged the man across from him. Vinny paled. This was going to be a nightmare.