The Brat Diaries

Renewed

I woke up and I chose violence.

I could feel the sass running through my veins and revitalizing my inner brat. I wanted a fight I knew I'd lose. 

In one of our group chats with Cassie and Angry, I decided to unleash the Bratken™ (credit to a Fet friend for that phrase). I talked back a lot and I can't recall exactly what I said, although I do remember one exchange specifically.

Angry had just informed us that Cassie earned her first rice punishment and would be kneeling for 8 minutes. Wrex decided that I would kneel in solidarity with her to adjust my attitude. Cassie tried to save me, telling Wrex that I shouldn't be punished. But that only got her in more trouble. She was up to 12 minutes now. I felt bad, but I knew Wrex wouldn't make me kneel that long for this offense.

The threat of punishment probably should have made me smarter. But perhaps I already felt my hole was dug as deep as it could go, and I continued to talk back.

Wrex: Could switch out the rice for Legos.

Me: Shut up, Wrex

Then, as if a lightning bolt of wisdom struck me, I deleted the snap. But it was too late. He saw it. And he sent a [Samuel L Jackson gif](https://tenor.com/be2t1.gif) in response.

And just like that, my hole got deeper. He informed that I would be matching whatever Cassie earned herself today. As it stood… Twelve minutes.

While I knew it would be a hard punishment, part of me felt excited to be doing it with a friend. Comforted, even. Reality didn't really sink in until after our workout later that night.

Once the class was over, we checked our phones and saw that Cassie had completed her punishment. She sent us photos and a video clip, and shared her cathartic and healing experience with us. I was so proud of her. I could feel her strength and it bolstered mine.

Then, Angry informed us that she lost track of time and ended up kneeling for 20 fucking minutes. My jaw dropped as I read the words. I looked over at Wrex. Fear in my eyes.

"You're matching it," he said.

I was actually scared to do it. I think the most I've ever done was maybe 15, and it wasn't even upright the whole time. There was no way I could handle it.

I told him how I felt. That I didn't think I could do it. We don't use safewords in punishments. But we do use our words and respect each other's words. I asked him if he thought I could do it. (Please refer to the "A Note on Safewords from Wrex" chapter about what this means in our dynamic. An emergency safeword is still used.)

"I know you can," he assured me.

"Will you let me sit back on my heels if I need to?"

"If I think you need to, yes." He promised me that I would be okay and that he would make adjustments as he sees fit.

I trusted him to punish me safely, as he always has. I wanted to take it for him. For Cassie, too.

When we got home, he asked me to change into shorts and retrieve the jar of rice. I did, but slowly. I took my time upstairs, revisiting Cassie's pictures and video.  I admired her suffering and her strength. I found my strength in hers and I walked downstairs.

He set up the camera so we could share with Cassie and Angry after, like they shared with us. I handed him the jar of rice and he knelt down and poured it onto the hardwood floor, spreading it evenly.

We've used the same rice for over a year now. I could count on one hand the number of times I'd knelt on it. This would be the fifth time, I thought.

"Kneel," he ordered.