In Time (Twist of Fate Series #1)

Twenty-seven

I'm a failure. I'm stupid.

Hindi ko ito 'yung ginusto kong mangyari. Dapat... hindi ganito, eh. Nangako ako kila Mama Ate na magiging ginhawa ang  buhay namin kapag graduate ko...

Nangako ako sa sarili ko na hindi ko papabayaan ang oportunidad na makapag-aral. I failed my promise to my family... and to myself. I failed to give the love I deserve to myself. I failed to achieve my dreams. Ang laki kong tanga.

I'm almost near. Almost. Maybe I should have just focused on my dreams and ignored the man that would only crumpled my heart.

I felt alone here in my room. The atmosphere was so cold. Ilang buwan na ang lumipas, lahat ay umuusad maliban sa 'kin. Nanakawan pa kami. Napakaraming nangyari.

I tried to work different jobs and sidelines just to earn money but I always got fired because I'm always out of my mind. I'm always preoccupied. I worked as sales clerk, seamstress, retail sales associate, because selling crochet isn't enough. But, being busy helped me to distract myself. A bit.

Now, I was in my room, sitting on the floor, my elbow were in my knees and my butt was touching the floor. I was scared to be alone, especially every nights. I hated the fact that I still missed him after what he did. I hate waking up on a random hour and will overthink.

Wala ako sa sariling napatayo. I walked towards my study desk, and saw a cutter lying there. I grabbed it and held it tightly, my hands were trembling. I stared at it, emotionless. I started extending out its blade. I closed my eyes as I moved it, almost reaching... touching skin. My wrist.

I want to end everything.

My phone on the bed suddenly vibrated. With that, I opened my eyes and got my phone to answer the call using my other hand. The number wasn't familiar and it is not saved from my contacts.

I answered the call, still not letting go of the cutter.

[Hello po. Random caller lang. I just want to say that all will be alright in time. Kung may pinagdadaanan ka man, kapit lang kay Lord. May problema man o wala, manalig ka pa rin sa Kanya. If things did not go on your way, He has plans for you. Just trust Him.] Then the guy ended the call.

Nanuyo ang lalamunan ko sa narinig. I found myself putting back the cutter on my desk with my shaky hands. Nanghina ako pagkatapos at napaupo na naman.

Hindi ko na naman namalayan na umiiyak na naman ako. Pagod na pagod na akong umiyak. Walang gabing hindi ako umiyak habang yakap ang unan o minsan naman ay sa banyo para hindi marinig ni Ate at mag-alala pa.

Whoever that person is, I am so thankful. I was insane for planning to take my life. Paano sila Ate at Mama? Paano ako makakabawi at babangon kung susuko na ako agad? He has plans... And I will trust Him.

Kaya ko pa. Kakayanin.

Weeks after, I got accepted on a company. Actually, bumalik ako roon sa pag-apply dahil dati ay mukhang binalewala lang ang resume ko. Ngunit, bumalik ako... dahil gusto kong i-prove sa kanila na kaya ko rin. Na dapat akong bigyan ng pagkakataon. Hindi ba, hindi lang naman sa mayayaman at may kapangyarihan nararapat ang chance? Kasi, this time, pagbubutihin ko na talaga.

They are hiring for some fashion designers. Although, I didn't graduate, they still accepted me as their designer after I showed them some of my works before and my portfolios.

Grateful. That's all what I felt. Naitago ko pa kasi 'yung mga pictures ng mga outputs ko noon. Luckily, they were impressed but still, they wanted me to do my best on my work and present a good presentation. They gave me a chance. And now, because of this chance, I think I am slowly rising up from the shallow and deep ocean of pain and doubts.