Idol

Idol - 1973- Age 4

I woke up in the hospital. The last thing I knew was that we were driving home from Church. Mom and Dad were arguing over me pretending to be a girl at a pageant. It was my fault they were fighting. I forgot that mom told me not to tell Dad. It ended with Dad being unable to concentrate on driving and arguing with mom. He drove into a tree.

The first I saw at the hospital was my brothers. They only had some scratches and bruises. The same with me. The doctor said that we were very lucky to be alive and it was good that we wore seatbelts. I was full of energy, so it was hard being told to lay in bed because the doctors and nurses had to observe me.

Life at the hospital was so boring. It was also lonely. I could see parents visit the other children. My parents were in another place in the hospital, so they could not visit me. I was not allowed to see my parents and this made me worry about them. I tried asking my brothers, but they would not answer me. They blamed me for the car accident, saying that mom and Dad were fighting about me. They said that I have just been a problem since I was born.

The other children on the ward did not speak with me. This made things more boring. I tried speaking with them, but they looked at me as if I was some alien. I had nothing to do except observe them when they spoke with each other or their families visited them. It seemed as if no one ever had anything good to say about me. Even Dad did not approve of me. It was only mom that was nice to me, and all I knew was that she was someplace in the hospital. I wondered when she could visit me.

One of the nurses was also nice to me. She kept on calling me "poor child" and it looked as if she wanted to cry when she saw me. I liked her because she took the time to sit down and speak with me when the other children had visits from their families.

The nurse told me that I was very lucky that I was not hurt a lot. The accident was a bad one. She told me that Dad was fine, however, mom went to heaven. Then she hugged me. I asked when Dad would be visiting me, and then the nurse made excuses that she had some work to do. All I knew is that she did not say when my dad would visit me.

I hid under my sheets and started crying. Mom was dead and it was my fault. She defended me when Dad did not like the way I was. I knew that I was not like other boys. This made me think that this was the reason that mom died. Now I had no mom. I spent all my time mourning this loss and promising myself that I would make dad proud of me. I would be the boy that he wanted me to be. The problem is that dad never did visit me. This made me think more and more that everyone knew that mom died because of me.

Granny visited me one day. She apologised that she did not come earlier, but it was a bad time for her. She tried to tell me that it was not my fault that my mom had to go to heaven. I just sat and listened to her. I did not believe a word she said. I was just happy that she was visiting me. It made me think that someone cared. Granny continued to tell me that my brothers and I would be living with us. She explained that Dad left the hospital and no one knew where he was. He did not want us and was hiding someplace. I knew that this meant that Dad did not want me.

Moms funeral came, and I did not understand it very much. I could not understand why she was in the coffin and would not come out. I could not understand that mom was in heaven and would never be able to hug me again and tell me how special I was. My oldest brother Cameron told me afterwards that Mom was dead because of me. This meant that I was no longer special and I would never be famous.

Granny asked me if I would sing at moms funeral. It's not as if I had a choice to do this. Granny told me what song I would be singing. I was dressed as a pageboy, with leggings that looked like tights and a top with frills. Besides the pageant I have done, I have never sung in private. The fact that I was singing in public and it was at my moms funeral scared me. I sang "Amazing Grace". It was a relief that I did not cry. Everyone else was in tears.