Idol

Idol - 1987- Age 18

The record company already knew Chloe because she was my backing singer. Now that my career was in the dumps, the executives in the record company wanted a new star. They were wise when they offered Chloe a record contract. She had a good voice and she looked beautiful. She had the potential to be as big as Madonna. Chloe wanted to know what I thought of her trying her luck at performing. What could I say? She always supported me, so I put on my best smile and told her that she would do great.

The fact was that I was extremely jealous. It was also me that was the star, and now my last album was a flop, Chloe had the potential to be as big as I once was. I knew this made me very selfish and egoistic. I thought that I was destined to be famous, and Chloe was to be a sidekick, making me look good in public. The idea of Chloe being a success was eating my inner soul. While I told her that I thought it was a great idea, I was secretly wishing she would be more of a flop than I have become. I know this is mean, but who said I was a saint?

I was now 18 and had a meeting with Mr Spenser (the executive of the record company). He was very relaxed about the flop of my last album but admitted that he did not know what to do with my career. He told me that it was very important to be more masculine. I also needed to get Cameron to help me with the album. I needed to sound like I once did. I was agreeing with everything that Mr Spenser said. This was until he said that I needed to fire dad. Dad was a shell of what he used to be. He was an alcoholic and drug addict. He made unreasonable demands and had no clue how to be a manager. This was a hard thing to do. He was after all my Dad. He was family. What would it do if Dad thought that he was no longer wanted?

Mr Spenser told me that there was good news. I could live off the royalties for the music I already had, and he said that I was lucky enough to earn millions so far in my career. No matter what the future bought me, I should have been proud of what I achieved. Somehow I thought I was too young to reminisce on the past. His last suggestion was a comeback by singing a duet with Chloe. This would help start Chloe's career and help my comeback. No way was I going to do that.

I did not tell Dad about the meeting with Mr Spenser. Dad was sniffing drugs and at the same time planning my next album. He told me that one flop did not end my career, we just had to make a new album. I suppose he was right. The old saying was when you fall off your bike, then get up on it again. Dad told me that the next album would be a country gospel album. Despite that I did like some country music, there was no way that I was going to do that album.

I visited Cameron. He bought me a cake. He also had brotherly advice. I identified too much with being famous. It was my identity since I was born,

" Your life had revolved around being a performer," he explained. "This is not who you are. Being feminine or a sissy does not define you. What defines you is how happy you are and how you treat others. If performing makes you happy or being girly, then you should do this. I think that you have a lot more to offer than being a performer."

Maybe he was right. Before I left, I asked Cameron to do me a huge favour. I did not want him to help Chloe with her new album. This made Cameron sigh and ask if I did not hear a word he said. I just shrugged my shoulder as he promised that he would not help.

The visit with Cameron raised a lot of questions. Was being a performer so important for me? Was it not my mother's dream? I just did what everyone expected of me. My life was built on being a famous celebrity. I was told that if Shirley Temple could, then so could I. I was a success. But this came at a huge price. My family was the most dysfunctional family ever. I had no privacy. The media scrutinised everything that I have done. I grew up as public property and was always being judged.

I was tired of fame and the media. I was tired of trying to please everyone. Maybe life would be better if I was not a celebrity.

I needed time to figure out who I was. Was I transgender or did I just like being feminine? Remember this was 1987, and being transgender was not a way of getting people's respect. Since I was a child, I have been treated like a girl and at times I did not know if I was a girl or a boy. The media treated my feminine ways as if I was a sinner and corrupted everyone that was a fan. I was now 18 and it was now up to me how I would dress and what my identity was. This being said, I don't think that the media would give me peace. They would judge me on anything I have done.