Idol

Idol - 1981- Age 12

I missed Granny. Living with Dad was like living in a concentration camp. He threw away all my clothes, toys, dolls and baby things. I still had to use diapers at nighttime but not my pacifier. If I was normal, I would have appreciated this. In a year I would be a teenager. Dad wanted me to be a normal teenage boy that dressed and acted like any other boy. Granny treated me as a toddler girl, but I think it was out of love for me and she wanted me to be myself. I did not think that Dad did this out of love. He did it because of his religious beliefs and my career.

The only time that Dad ever spoke with me was when it was to tell me how a boy should act or to talk about my career. I was about to do a film and record my third album. Dad would tell me what he expected and what I should do. It was as usual a lot of expectation and pressure on me. Who knows if people had enough of me and the next album would be a success. As for the film, who knew if I could even act. I often thought that most boys were worried about the next exams and had a paper route. I had a job that adults had and could be retired before others my age even started a job!

As I said, Cameron and I often had fun where he would show me a song he had written and I would sing it. His songs were different and I loved them. They were pop but not like other songs on the radio. They were fresher. Maybe it was because Cameron was 17 and he knew what young people liked. I tried telling Dad that we should use Cameron's songs for the next album. Dad told me to leave those things up to him. He did not think that Cameron had any talent. I tried to tell Dad that he should listen, but he would not even hear. He said that I was an instrument of God. My voice is a gift and it should be used in the service of God. Dad said my next album would be a gospel album.

I was getting ready to do the film and did not have so much free time. Chloe visited me one day and was quite upset with me. She was mad that I did not visit her for ages and I had even forgotten her birthday. I tried to explain to her that I have been busy between my career, the court case and getting used to living with Dad. I even tried to tell Chloe about the film. Chloe stormed off while crying that I no longer needed her as a friend. When she went stepmom hugged me and said, "Let's hope you did not lose the first friend you ever had. Friends will want to see you for who you are and not your career. You indeed have a talent for singing and you have had some success. Do not let this define who you are. Let your personality and good heart define you."

I believed in what stepmom said. She was the only one that did not see me as an idol or transgendered. She saw me as who I was!

It was time to do the film. It was based on a true story of two princes in England that were imprisoned by their mean uncle and ended up being murdered. It was a sad story of the civil war and the princes that were victims. I do not know how much I liked acting, as we had to do each screen countless times. The director was very strict on where I should stand and how I should act. I was used to doing what I was told but was insecure about my abilities to act. The one thing I did like was the clothes. They were silky and I wore leggings. The leggings reminded me of tights, which I was no longer allowed to wear. Dad said nothing, but he was demanding about other things. There was even one stage where the director demanded that Dad be escorted off the set! Needless to say, Dad vowed we would never work with that director again!

This was when I found out that Dad was not liked by everyone. I don't know if I loved him. I do know that I was afraid of him. We never had a conversation. Dad would only tell me what his next plans were for me and what I should do. He tried to wipe away my past as a girly boy away by forbidding everything that I was used to. He even told me he did not want me wearing diapers to bed and reminded me that I was no longer a baby. He warned me that if I wet the bed, I could sleep in my puddle of urine. Stepmom tried to stand up for me, but I think she was afraid of Dad as well.