Idol

Idol - 1982- Age 13

Grannies funeral was a circus. I would have prefered a personal moment in which I could say goodbye to granny. The press was hiding behind the trees and bushes taking one picture after another one. There would be pictures in newspapers of me crying at a funeral. Dad told me not to mind the press, as it was part of being a celebrity. I did mind them. I had enough going on in my head besides putting a show on for the press. Granny was the only person that understood me. She was the person that took care of me and wanted me to be happy. I lost my mom and granny and was left with Dad. I did not have anything good to say about my Dad.

I was now a teen. This meant that puberty was slowly starting and this was exciting. I was on my way to becoming an adult. This meant that I could dress how I wanted and do what I wanted. I would have my own money! The one confusing thing for me to figure out was my identity. I knew I was born a boy. Mom and Granny treated me as a baby girl. Dad thought I was a sissy that needed to be cured. I missed the pretty dresses and the attention I got. It made me think about what I wanted. Did I want to be transgendered or not? There would be a time when I would be allowed to decide

The film about the two princes was released. It was a hit. My Album was also a huge success with a few singles that were top 10. All this meant that moms dream that I would be famous came true. I still could not understand if I wanted fame or not. I was delighted that people liked my album so much that they would pay for it. I found it exciting when I would be told how singles were doing in the charts. It was hard to believe that "Can Sing forever" sold 8 million albums. It was also strange hearing my songs on the radio. The thing was that people wanted me to be famous all my life and now that this was a reality, I wondered what would happen next? What would happen when people had enough of me?

Dad now worked full time as my manager. I did not know how much money I was making and to be honest, I never thought of royalties or how rich we were. Dad told me that I could get the money when I was 18. I knew that we were well off. Dad started wearing expensive suits and even bought a fancy sports car. He also drank a lot of expensive wine. As I said, It never occurred to me that it was my money that was paying for all this.

I was very lonely. Cameron was now old enough and lived in his own apartment. He left home as soon as he was 18. I missed him so much. He was the only person in the world that liked me for who I was and did not have any demands or expectations. He was not like Ronny, that was all the time high or drunk, and just spoke to us when he wanted money from Dad. Stepmom was nice, but she was so afraid of Dad and found it hard to protect me. I still loved when I cuddled against her on the sofa where she would try and talk about normal things.

Fame meant that I could not walk out in public. I would be surrounded by fans and this was dangerous. They pushed and poked and tried to take a piece of me. I was told that I could not be alone in public. This made me more lonely. I told Dad that I missed Chloe and Nick. I have not seen them for a long time. Dad's reaction was not to be childish. Stepmom tried to defend me by saying that everyone needed friends. She insisted that If I was sad, This would show in my work and make it worse. Dad ended up agreeing that I could see them when I had time. I immediately rang Nick and Chloe and told them that I could see them.

It was not as if I had time to see anyone. Dad signed another contract for a film. It was about Jesus when he was a boy. Dad was very religious so he thought this would be a good film for me and the world. I was not as excited. I did not like doing movies. You had to do things at the right time and right place. It was hard being someone else. In this film, I would be trying to be Jesus. This was scary in a way

It is not as if I had a choice. Dad was very dominant and demanding. He did not listen to others. He was my manager who decided what I should do and took all the credit for the success. He was never satisfied with my performance. He also thought I did something wrong. At home, it was just as bad. He was not my dad. He was my manager at home. He was very worried about my image. This meant that any feminine signs that I showed resulted in a punishment. Dad could stop me from wearing what he called sissy clothes, but he could do nothing about the bedwetting. I still wore a diaper in the bed. Stepmom told me once that it was because of the stress I was under and in some ways, it made me feel safe. I think she was right.