Idol

Idol - 1975- Age 6

I knew I should have been born as a girl and had the wrong body. I loved life as a girl and would love to experience it in its full. I just wish I was asked if I wanted to be a girl. It was Granny that told me how to dress. I did feel comfortable when I was a girl, but I did not like when I was teased. I did not like when people judged me. Why could people accept that this is how I was and wanted to be?

I was happy during the summer. I even went to the beach wearing a girl one-piece. It was one of the happiest times of my life. My brothers kept on calling me weird and a sissy. I suppose I was and it did not bother me. No one at the beach teased me or gave me a hard time. Some even thought it was cute.

Dad visited and he took my brothers out on a trip. Granny asked him why he did not want me to come and Dad said that I was too young to go where they were going. When Dad and my brothers went, I cried and cried. I knew that he could have had me with him. It confirmed the fear that I had that he was ashamed of me and did not love me. It was probably because I lived as a girl and that it was my fault that mom died in a car accident.

Summer was too short, and it was time to start at preschool again. Once again, I was left alone and had no friends. The teacher tried to get me to play with the others, but it was obvious that they had no wish to be seen with me. It was strange being so lonely while I was together with children my age. The only contact I got was when they teased me. They still asked if I was a boy or a girl. Sometimes they would stand around me and say where they thought I was a boy. Other times they would say why they thought I was a girl. The common factor is that they thought I was weird.

I told Granny that I was being bullied a lot. She would smile and say, "They should not call you sissy. That is such a mean word. Your mom knew that you were no ordinary boy. She knew you had the heart and soul of a girl. She knew you were a girl. You are happiest when you are allowed to live as a girl. It is important that you are happy with your identity."

I had no clue what granny was trying to say. She was saying I should be happy. She continued by saying that she was sure that I would be famous. Everyone in the world would know who I was and many would love when I would entertain them. I would make people smile and bring a moment of happiness to their lives. I was not famous yet and it would take a lot of work and dedication. Granny was sure that I was old enough to deal with this.

It seemed as if I practised every chance there was. I rarely had time to play or watch TV. I practised songs and new songs and how to sing songs without messing up. Granny also wanted me to look cute when I was singing. I had to smile at the right time and try to "sparkle" as she called it. When I sang a song, she would tell me to do it all over again. It is hard to smile when you had to sing a song 7 times! It was also hard when you looked in a mirror. The agent said there was no chance that I would ever be famous. I wondered what was all the practice for. Why could I never be like my brothers? They never showed up for practice and mostly played outside. They were free to do as they wish. They had freedom!

One good thing happened tho. Dad had a new girlfriend. Dad and she visited us sometimes. I liked her a lot. She reminded me a lot about mom. While Dad would speak with my brothers, she would let me cuddle against her as she talked to me about normal things. I loved when she would brush my hair, which was now becoming quite long. We would talk about everything except fame and being teased at school. She treated me like a normal 6-year-old and did not think that I was weird.

It was good news when Dad announced that he was getting married to Mary, his new girlfriend. I jumped up and down and thought it was torture that I would have to wait for the wedding. I was excited about everything and made sure that I was around when it was being planned. I was told that I would sing at the wedding. Waiting for the wedding was just as bad as waiting for Christmas.