Idol

Idol - 1978- Age 9

I finished the album called "Hope". I expected that the album would be in the shops straight away, but was told that was not the way it worked. I met with the record company boss whose name was Mr Spenser. He explained that things would take time as they had to plan everything from the album cover to how it would be promoted. Mr Spenser explained that things had to be done right, as he expected me to be a star. I was impatient and wanted everyone to hear my work.

Granny and dad did not fight as much. She told me that I was a girl, except at school and when I was at the record company. This was confusing for me. How could I be a girl sometimes and then a boy at other times? I did not want to think so much about it. I was happiest when I was dressed as a girl. The clothes were comfortable and I felt pretty. I think Granny knew this, and this is why she let me be a girl as much as possible. She even went against the agreement she made with Dad, and let me be a girl outside the house. This led to some confusion if someone from my class had seen me. They were told by our teacher that I was now a boy.

My brothers were now teens. Ronny was 16 and Cameron was 14. Granny could see how puberty changed them. They now looked like men. She also noticed that their voice had changed and was worried that this would happen to me. I always considered it as a joke when Granny said that it was a shame that I would grow up. Granny was very serious and was afraid that as I got older, my voice would change. She often discussed with Dad that we had to protect my voice. This caused arguments with Dad, that said that it would not harm my career when my voice broke. He said Elvis had a deep voice and he was the king. Granny wanted me to have shots, but Dad put his foot down and said he did not want me to get girl hormones.

I had other things to think about. When I was recording "Hope", I had no choice in the songs or how it would be done. The album sounded like folk music which people sang in pubs when they were drunk. Only one song was a bit funky but I did not like the way it was done. I honestly did not like the songs on the album. The songs were also very religious, which would have sounded better if the music was gospel. I was not even proud of my work. I knew that it was nothing that I would listen to on the radio.

Dad was now my manager and I tried telling him that I was not happy with the result. Dad got mad and asked me how do I know what would be popular or not? The record company used its best producers and songwriters. Dad reminded me that I was only 9 and did not understand how the world worked. He told me singing Barbie music and songs about girl things would not make me a star. My job was to do as I was told and to look cute.

I was dressed as a boy at school, but it did not mean that I had friends. My classmates could not understand what a transgender is and why any boy would want to wear a dress. The teacher told them that I was no longer transgender and that I was now a boy. This confused the classmates more as they still have seen me in public with a dress on or something girly. At least I had Chloe and Nicky as friends. Otherwise, I would be very lonely.

I did not have a lot of time for my two friends, as the record company wanted me to model for pictures. The pictures were for the album cover and promotion pictures and posters. I thought that it was fun modelling for the pictures. I was wearing denim shorts and a black tank top with a gold cross planted on it. The album would be a picture of me jumping in the air with my hands stretched above me as if I wanted to fly. I was smiling in the picture. It was strange seeing my name on an album. I was sure that mom was looking down from heaven and thinking that she knew that I would be famous. I wondered if the album would even sell. I was thinking of who would pay to hear me singing?

There were problems at home. Ronny was now 16 and always getting into trouble. He often came home after he has been in some fight. Sometimes he came home after midnight. I could see that granny was very worried about him. She did not know what to do. This meant that there were always a lot of fights between them. It was shortly after I modelled pictures for the album that Ronny came home late. He was very drunk. This led to an argument with Granny. The argument became bad when Ronny pushed Granny so Granny ended up on the floor.