Stealth. (FtM Karl)

Home?

Trigger:
(Based off of commenters who read it as I wasn't sure)
-derealisation
-depersonalisation
-disassociation
-amnesia
-deadnaming

Karl's pov:

I was rushing. I was late. Grabbing clothes and pulling them on, not even giving them a second glance.
I shoved the essentials into my school bag before running out of my room...
My room?
It didn't feel right. Calling it my room.

I could've sworn I had left this place?

Why was I in a rush?
I don't really remember.

I started running to the bus stop, other kids from my school stood waiting.
I didn't pay any attention to their facial features.
I would've checked the time but I didn't seem to have my phone.
Wait, why is everyone here is I'm late? Why am I at the bus stop if I'm late?
The bus won't be coming.

I felt so confused but also like the day was already planned out somehow, and so I just started walking.
Where?
Who knows.

It felt weird. I feel like I already finished school? I swear I remember something about starting college?

Something tickled my face, I pulled it away-
Hair? Why is the hair so long?
I quickly slapped a hand into the top of my head.
"The fuck?"
My hair was long. Like the way it was before.
How was it before?
I started at it. It just doesn't feel real.
It can't be real. Right?
I didn't dream it. I swear I got a hair cut.
Maybe it just grew out again?

I don't know why I didn't list the many facts preventing this from being true. It just didn't seem important at the time, like my mind was set on this one theory being true.

I was suddenly back at home, at my living room. How did I get here? That wasn't a question I asked myself, somehow I thought it was a normal occurrence.

My parents sat on the sofa. I didn't make eye contact, I don't even remember what they look like, just a rough idea.
"I need another hair cut" I told them. They were just silent.
"Okay, Kira." My mother said, I think, "we can take you tomorrow."

Kira? It just doesn't sound right. But that's my name isn't it? Kira.
Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira.
It just sounds wrong.
I don't like it.
...but why? I don't get it.

"No. No I need one now." I protested, I felt like crying, but why? It's just long hair?
But I don't want long hair.
"And don't call me Kira"
I don't even know where the last part came from. It just came out. It's like I don't even have control over my own words.

"What do we call you then?"

I don't know.
I feel like I know, somewhere, just out of my grasp, unable to reach so far into my brain, I know it's there.
But what is it.

"I... I don't know."

She smiles. "Good, now stop being silly. We will take you tomorrow, it's getting dark."

I turn to the window.
It was dark, I couldn't even make out the garden.
But I could've sworn it was morning, that I only just woke up? That I was at the bus stop?
How the hell did I get here?
I can't remember my day.

Everything felt so stuck.

Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira Kira.
I feel like I've already escaped the name.
So why is it back?
What is my name?
Do I even have a name?
Nothing fits.
Think of a name.
What are my parents names?
I don't know.
Why don't I know that?
Think of a name.
THINK OF A NAME.

THINK
OF
A
NAME!

Nick?
Who the hell is Nick?
Is it my name?
No. No it's not my name.
Why the hell would I think of that name?
That doesn't make any sense.

"Who's Nick?" I say aloud.
The aura of the room suddenly feels tense. Like I just smashed a plate or cussed at them. My parents stare at me... I think.
"Don't say that name." They both say. In sync. It just feels wrong.

Everything feels wrong.

This house feels wrong. My parents feel wrong. My thoughts feel wrong.
I feel wrong.
I look down at my clothes, that damn dress. It's pretty. Why do I hate it?
I just do.

It makes me angry.
It makes me so angry.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.

I hate it.
I hate it.
I hate it.
I HATE IT.
I HATE IT.
I HATE IT.
I HATE IT.
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
I HATE IT!
Î̸̛̠̐͂́ ̶̧̫͓̩̘͒͊́̔͐H̶̞͓̠̐̄A̷̢̞̲͂̀Ṫ̶͇̼̜̯͇E̷̢͖̽ ̷̜͉̫͒̐̈́͑͠Ḯ̶̧̺̭̬̒̅Ṯ̶͇̔!̵̮́͝
I̴̬̯͚͓̦̠͇̭̗͖͛̒̿̾͛̒̈́̒̄̈́̓̐͜͝ ̷̡̗̫̍͝H̶̛̦̹̪̦̓͆̀̇͝Ą̸̼̪̭̬͌̽́͌́̅͗ͅͅͅṪ̴̨͕͈͉̦̳̙̪͎̞̹̖͇̩̼̆͊Ȩ̶̧̨̦͍͉̜̼͚͔̲͓͕͉̼͊̋ ̸̧̨̻̥̺͙̜͔͙͍̺͓̥́̀́̑͂́͜ͅI̸̡͇̰̫͓̘̙̱̖̞̤͛̐̋̓̅̋̃͜͜͠T̴̥̻̗̻̲͓͚́̋͋̂̓͗̎!̷̲̳̠͓̰̙͖͖͓͚̮͎͙̌͋̔͒̾̀̈́͒̅́̑̈̇͆̾͜͜͠ͅ

I HATE THIS SO MUCH.

Darkness. It's dark.
My eyes are closed.
My memories of the dream still feel fresh in my brain.
I'm awake right?
Yeah, I feel awake.

I open my eyes to a dark room, I don't recognise it. The room I had originally imagined, this wasn't it, it wasn't my room, neither was it my room at Bad's.
Where the hell-
Phil's.

It finally hit me.

This is phils house.

The memories started coming back.
I'm in Wilburs room, Phil still needs to prepare the guest room for me.
I'm on a mattress on the floor.

'What a weird dream.' I thought, remembering how I genuinely couldn't tell it was a dream. It never makes sense how I can't tell it's a dream when I'm in one, like logic plays no part; flew out the window as one might say.

But just incase, I touch my hair.
My short, fluffy, masculine hair.

I sit up in my makeshift bed, remembering my arm is currently out of commission and only using one to lift me.
My mouth feels dry.
I feel dirty.
I still feel a bit off, not exactly shaken, but off.

And I can't seem to remember my name.

"Karl?" A voice beside me calls.

The name sounds familiar. It's mine right? I call myself that, others call me that.
Why doesn't it ever feel quite like mine though?
Is it because I grew up with a different one?
I love the name Karl.
It's mine.
It just doesn't feel like... like I earned it? I'm not sure. It kind of feels like it's just hovering there, floating at a distance.
It just doesn't seem to be that missing puzzle piece.

I shrug the thought away, not wanting to dig too deep about it right now.
My head hurts a little.

"Hey" I answer, wiping the sleepy dust from my eyes.

"Dude, what time is it?" He mumbles, it was more rhetorical, he himself was about to check the time anyway. He reached over to the bedside table behind me and lifted his phone, I watched as he squinted, the light illuminating his facial features, "dude, it's like, 4am, you alright?" He asked.

"Yeah I'm good." I assured him, "back to sleep, I'll be back in a sec."

It didn't take much convincing for him to immediately fall back asleep.