Heterochromic Haze

24- Winter

I finish packing up my belongings, looking around my apartment with a sombre feeling of serenity.

The sound knowledge that nothing will ever really be the same again.

I glance at the paint on the walls, remembering every spatter, every line. My eyes focus on the spot where Everett sat for a little too long, my eyes brimming with liquid emotion. It overflows as I close my eyes, and as I exhale I swear that I can hear his voice, feel his soft skin beneath mine.

I open my eyes, my heart breaking all over again when I see that he's not there. My fingers tremble at my sides, a seemingly permanent occupation for them now that they are always empty.

I hadn't seen or heard from him since he'd called things off, two weeks ago. Presumably, that was for the best. I don't know what the best is, but if it feels like this, then I suppose I don't want to see the worst.

Amyas walks in brusquely, grabbing another box. I wipe my cheeks heatedly, biting my lip fiercely as I grab the last box, hauling it down stairs.

Amyas, as usual, has been my rock, my port in the storm. He came over that night, presumably Everett had told him what happened, and he stayed with me. I think, more so than anything, to make sure I didn't do anything stupid. I think he feels guilty, but I don't blame him. This would have happened regardless.

I can tell this is hard for him, being caught in the middle, me leaving, him having to stay, but he doesn't say a word.

My portfolios, sketches and sculptures take up most of the shitty u-haul truck. Amyas shuffles my lamps, manoeuvring the last of the boxes into place. Practically everything I own in the world compacted into the back of a van.

I can feel Amyas' eyes on me but he doesn't comment, and I'm glad. He can tell how hard this is for me, saying goodbye to the Hayes family, who in recent months have come to be my own. In the toss up between Amyas and Everett, I don't know who I'm going to miss more.

Amyas' arms wrap around me like a vice when the time comes and I laugh painfully, pulling him close. He doesn't do this often, and it means the world to me right now.

"I'm coming to live with you over the summer. And when I graduate. You bitch." He mutters and I smile, nudging my face into his neck for a moment.

"I'll hold you to that." I whisper and he nods, pulling away.

I sigh heavily, my eyes scanning his face one last time before turning to walk away.

"Hey! What about us?!" A voice calls and I turn to spot Rose, Walter, Westley and Luka.

I pull a hand through my hair, smiling even though I feel like sobbing.

The twins hug me briefly, offering their congratulations and a new sketchbook that has been personalised with my name. Rose engulfs me in her comforting scent, her warm words doing more than she could ever realise to ease my anxiety.

When I pull away, I'm surprised to find Luka visibly upset.

His eyes search mine for a moment before he sinks into my arms.

"I don't understand." He murmurs and I sigh, just barely able to rest my head atop of his.

"I know. Everything's going to be okay though, and you have my number so you can call me whenever. I mean it. Any time." I say, pulling away to look at him as he frowns.

"But what about Everett?" He asks and I look away, cursing the violent twist in my chest when I hear his name.

"What about him?" I ask.

"He loves you. Why are you going?" He asks.

I bite my lip, willing myself not to cry.

"I'm going for him. I know it doesn't really make sense, but I love him too, and I want to make him proud. He wouldn't let me stay, he loves me too much for that. He wants me to go." I say stiffly, taking a deep breath as Luka nods miserably.

"I'll miss you. Everett too." He says and I smile, ruffling his hair just as his eldest brother does.

"I know. I'll miss you too. Stay in touch and out of trouble, kid." I say and he rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah." He murmurs as I turn away.

A soft hand stops me just as I open the door and I turn to find Rose, a soft frown pulling her lips downward.

"Heartache, just like love, is an experience. The strength of it reminds us what it is to be human. Use it, don't hide from it. Let it inspire you, and remember, you will always have a place in this family, Ledger." She says gently.

I nod, pursing my lips.

She steps away and I lurch into the van quickly.

They wave until I can't see them anymore, and only then do I let myself fall apart.