Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Escalation

Dirk stood silently at the podium; the eyes of the world watching his every move. The press thought they would be attending a standard press conference where Gabrielle would repeat the president's lies so they could all vote which one was the least believable.

Instead they were confronted by a godly dude who entranced them all. This was all very awesome until Dirk let them know their entire lives were pointless. He didn't have to speak. His presence enlightened them to their exquisite unworthiness. Their very existence could be summed up in just two words: I suck.

They had seconds or perhaps multiple eternities to ponder this. Time has no meaning in the presence of the Celestial. They stood frozen like statues in Medusa's garden in awe of a being who was nothing but an errand boy to the Almighty. They just stood and waited and waited.

Then Dirk opened his mouth to sing.

His song was one of sanctity and grace. Of repentance and retribution. But mostly of judgment. Crushing, soul splitting judgment.

The members of the press corps wiggled like worms in abject shame. Their only purpose now was to film this Great One so his song could reach viewers all over the planet and judge them as well.

As far as master plans go, Blanche felt Dirk's was just pathetic. For one thing, hardly anyone even heard him sing. How many people were hunched over their screens watching the press conference? Not many.  The news is like a bad reality show with a really unsatisfying ending.

The only drama worthy of being called drama was on the internet. Pointing out the cracks in your friends' perfectly curated posts. Watching beloved celebrities fall from grace. Most of all, it was a great place to get angry at people they didn't know but that made their blood boil. The internet was Blanche's Funtime Pandora's Box of Hate.

Blanche flooded news feeds, social media and porn sites with her message. Unlike the angel who preached how much you suck, Blanche's mantra was 'Everybody Else Sucks.' The slogan caught on pretty quickly.

There were so many people to target. Let's start with the age-old battle over wearing masks. There was a spanking new plague but, unlike with COVID almost a decade ago, masks didn't protect anyone this time. For this reason, masks became more popular than ever. People became nostalgic for a simpler disease that didn't make you explode into a fountain of blood and viscera when you died. The good old days were always better.

This strange nostalgia brought masks back into fashion and fashion's a cutthroat beast. There were many debates just like this one:

"Ick! That mask is so 2022."

"Of course it is. It's retro."

"Sorry, but that retro hasn't retroed to the point where it's allowed to be belovedly called retro. Die now."

Fashion choices were just the tip of the iceberg. There were plenty of other things for people to vehemently disagree over. People who preferred chocolate ice cream to vanilla clashed before ganging up on people who liked frozen custard. At Blanche's urging, they all finally got off their lazy butts to meet each other in person. Mayhem happily followed.

Blanche brought all these people together. 'Everyone Else Sucks' was the one thing people could all believe in together passionately. At no time in the world's history had humanity been so united in a single concept. It was such a beautiful thing seeing everyone come together as one.

As Blanche said, proving that you're right really isn't the point. What's important is making the people who disagree with you suffer. Humiliation is divine, and blood is always in vogue.

That buzzkill, Dirk, didn't think so. He had been outfoxed by that gosh-darned Blanche yet again. This was more than a slight miscalculation. Not only was everyone seeing her message, it was somehow more appealing than Dirk's. Apparently self flagellation was quite untrendy.

Hell 1 Heaven 0

Blanche kept the lies going, based on just enough truth to encourage the hate and mistrust. Dirk tried to do some damage control and expose her, but once again he came out on the losing end. The public salivated over lies about the truth. They were less interested in the truth about lies.

Chaos and bloodshed erupted and somewhere Blanche was laughing her pointy tail off. Angels usually had a standard response to humans doing naughty things like killing each other. Their solution was to kill all the humans before they could have the chance to kill each other anymore. That was Dirks plan. He took a quick selfie with the president before flying out of the White House on a new mission.

Sadly, Dirk didn't have permission to flood cities. Hell, he couldn't even turn anyone into a pillar of salt. He'd have to go through the overwhelming bureaucracy of the Angelic Council if he wanted to wipe out any sinners.

Dirk started by asking permission of St Peter's assistant who would forward the request to 'Careless' Kerubeil, the clerk. Kerubeil would hold it on his desk until his supervisor cracked down on him and made him do some work.

This would not happen for a while because Kerubeil's supervisor had 32,543,985 supervisors above him who needed to follow the chain of command before it could be suggested to Kerubeil that he do his job.

Once prodded, Kerubeil would give the request to Penemue, the Head Clerk. Penemue would have to decide which one of the 985,258,254,298 categories to file the request. The category chosen would dictate the next chain of command.

Let's assume Penemue files it under Category 437,834,897 - Archaic Battles Involving Sharp and Blunt Objects. In this case,it would be in Ramiel's court. Once Ramiel finally comes back from his eternal vacation, he will start getting caught up on his backlog. Eventually, he will either move it to the next channel or throw it in the trash so his desk will be clear and he can take another vacation.

Oh, not to worry. It'll eventually get to the Angelic Council, but they send just about everything back for corrections. Dirk's request for the Holy Ethereal Light Legion (unfortunate acronym, by the way) might never see the light of Heaven. Assuming it's even given a chance, then the Angelic Council's entry level clerk must first examine it and then after an interminably long delay then...

Blessed news! The request was eventually approved. Thankfully angels are beyond the restrictions of time, so Dirk didn't have to wait at all. Soon the Battle Angels would be assembled and the world would tremble before their might.

Just like the good old days.

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