Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

War Is Hell...and Heaven

Conflict between demons and angels isn't entered into lightly. The angels didn't want the rep of being bullies and instigators. The demons had gotten their spiky butt-tails kicked epicly when they tried to rebel, and there was a pretty reliable prophecy out there that it would happen again. No one wanted war.

Oh who are we kidding? The angels couldn't wait to sink their flaming swords into Satan's minions and the demons were always ready to fight. Still, there had to at least be a show of diplomacy.

Both parties realized this was just a formality and that war was a done deal, so each side sent their most worthless representatives to negotiate peace.

"Howzadoing, Dirk?" Blanche asked. "You ready for some peace talks"

Dirk frowned. Angels only smiled on greeting cards. "I was the one who first cried for battle. I am certainly not interested in peace with demons."

"Famous last words, Dirky. We're gonna roast you little angel birdies on the rotisserie. Barbecue and Beelzebub."

"We outnumber you two to one," Dirk said. His arms were crossed and he was giving Blanche the angelic stink eye. "You demons shall be cast in the pit of eternal fire and we shall make glue from your hooves. Not necessarily in that order."

"Oh, please!" Blanche snorted. There was actual snorting involved with blood, fire and viscera coming out of her nose. "You couldn't make a free throw. How are you going to hurl me in a pit? Besides, we're here to talk about a peace treaty. You angels have historically always been the aggressors, back to the time you forcibly occupied the Garden. You started this whole thing as well."

"Did not."

"Did too."

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"We angels follow the ancient law of We Don't Smite Unless We're Absolutely Right," Dirk said, finally changing the argument. "Had you demons not been in the wrong, we wouldn't need to trumpet our fight song. We had to vote to smote."

"We didn't raise a hoof, Tweety Bird," Blanche said with fire coming out of her ears. "You fools struck first. I don't care how you rhyme it."

"We had to strike because you were tempting the humans into doing your bidding," Dirk countered. His sweaty feathered hand was wrapped around the hilt of his flaming sword. He was about ready to end these worthless talks.

"Tempting is not the same as doing," Blanche said. Her tail was swishing wildly in Dirk's face. "Your boss started the whole free will thing. We only suggested that mortals actually use that free will. Way different than nuking entire countries."

"The angels were merely reclaiming the sacred birthplace of mankind by destroying as much mankind as we could." Dirk explained. The Bible insinuated that the Garden of Eden was in the Middle East, but science said mankind originated in Africa. Dirk hated science, so blowing up an African country seemed justified. "What about what you did?"

"What did we do?"

"You got online," Dirk said, his wings flinging in agitation. "You incited everything. You made social media influencers encourage people to buy the newest deadliest weapons."

"Oh right," Blanche smiled. "Like the Cancelator 2029. Sweet little number. Shoot. Kill. Feel Vindicated. Get Pissed. Repeat."

"Then you made those influencers shoot the more influential influencers," Dirk frowned. "Pretty soon there was no one to influence anyone except you demons."

"Oh pish posh" Blanche blew hellsmoke in Dirk's face. "Now everyone's just as influential as everyone else, and there's fewer annoying people on the internet. It's the new Garden of Eden, really."