Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Recipe for the Apocalypse

Ingredients

350,000,000,000 grams self-raising flour

20,000,000,000 Medium eggs

4 horses (1 white, 1 black, 1 red, 1 pale)

777 souls of the martyrs

1 seven-horned, seven-eyed lamb (kosher)

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

144,000 tribesmen (evenly divided into 12 tribes)

7 trumpets

dash of judgment and pinch of wraith

1 Beast (earthen)

1 Beast (sea)

1 Whore (Babylonian)

5,000,000 tsp baking soda

1 red dragon

1 lion

1 dash of Wormwood

5,000 grams sugar

∞ battle angels

133,316,666 war demons

equal parts fire and brimstone

666,666,666,666,666 cups bloody water

5,00,000,000 frog legs

546,098 heaping cups of lice

546,098 heaping cups of gnats

598,456,098 medium slaughterhouses full of diseased livestock

234,687 first born sons

5,000,000 tablespoons milk

777,777,777,777 angel feathers

666,666,666 assorted demon horns, hooves, noses and entrails (see hot dog recipe)

345,987,145 sticks of butter

6,798,780 anguished cries

Chocolate, Lots of chocolate

666 marks of the beast (for garnish)

1 Mitchell Murphy

Optional

Manna may be substituted for flour

Maggots may be substituted for lice

Directions

Step 1

Place the flour, sugar, tortured souls, baking powder, bloody water and brimstone into a bowl and create a well in the middle for the other ingredients.

Mix the eggs, vanilla, milk, melted butter, Wormwood, and anguished cries; then pour them into the bowl with the dry ingredients.

Whisk God's wrath in seven bowls until it becomes a sticky paste.

Mix all together well until it is lump free and then break the chocolate into small pieces and add them.

Step 2

Puree all the animals, insects, humans, demon parts and other assorted living creatures.

Render into a lard then, while trumpets sound, mix furiously with other ingredients.

Carefully open all seven seals, then pour the mixture onto a greased cookie sheet. Space each cookie evenly if you fear for your immortal soul.

Sprinkle some sugar and angel feathers until sufficiently and cloyingly sweet.

Step 3

Let ingredients sit for thirty minutes of silence.

Step 4

Preheat Hell to the max. If anyone wants this converted to Celsius , throw them in the oven.

Step 5

While ingredients cook, assemble the battle angels,war demons and 'innocent' civilians.

Baste, toss, grate, simmer, julienne, knead, whip, saute, blend, shred,hammer and broil for seven years.

Step 6

If there's anything left, blow it all up.

Add garnish.

Step 7

Skip steps 1-6 and just add 1 instant Mitchell Murphy

All ingredients should settle in a loving state of bliss, peace and happiness.

Enjoy paradise on earth for the next thousand years.

Serves

8.5 billion

Prep time

  10 minutes

Cook time

   7 years

Total time

   7 years, 10 minutes

Allergy Information    Peanut free.   Not suitable for vegans or people on gluten free diets.

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Bon Apocalypse!

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