Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Chapter 6

PRESIDENT DAMEN PRICE:

"Are you sure that's appropriate?" Gabrielle, my press secretary asked. She asked that a lot.

"What? My outfit?" I asked assuming she was referring to the fact that I was sporting my Hellfire Jones costume. I wore my trademark black trench coat which had plenty of pouches for weapons and ammo. On my cowboy hat I had scrawled tally marks for each hellspawn I had killed. By the time Episode Three rolled around, I had killed so many demons that I had to start using Roman numerals. Even though they call them numerals, they're actually letters. It's like secret demon hunter code.

Gabby was staring at my chest, meaning she was either admiring my washboard abs or was evaluating the demon with the Ghostbusters symbol around it on my shirt. This was what Hellfire Jones wore in Episode 1 but we got a cease and desist order from the Ghostbusters people. Something about copyright violation. Well, copyright this, you pricks. I'm the goddam president and I'll wear whatever I want.

"I just think a suit and tie would be more appropriate, sir," Gabby said.

I appointed Gabby for three reasons. She was a woman. She was black. She was hot. My people suggested the first two would be essential in reassuring a portion of the population that I tended to alienate. I personally decided on the hotness part. It may all have been a mistake. Gabby kept reminding me she graduated top of her class and her long lists of accomplishments. It got tiresome. I really should have picked a Victoria's Secret supermodel instead.

"Gabby, Gabby, Gabby," I said in a condescending tone that I learned from her. "Right now we are in the middle of a demon war. Who has been in six demon wars; even more when you count all the fanfic and the direct-to-DVD movie? Hellfire Jones, that's who. The public elected Hellfire Jones. The public needs Hellfire Jones. The public is going to get Hellfire Jones."

She rolled her eyes, but eye rolls mean nothing to me. I kicked Satan's ass multiple times, even though he apparently owned my soul until I could find this Mitch Murphy clown. That thought was a little depressing. I needed to focus on the positive.

"Whoa! This is so awesome!" I said looking around the Oval Office. The real Oval Office, along with the White House, The Washington Memorial and the Capitol where those pesky congresspeople live were all destroyed in a volley of angel feather arrows. We were now 50 feet underground, and the room I was standing in looked exactly like the Oval Office. I could broadcast my messages from here and make it seem like nothing had happened and that America still stood strong.

"Has this always been here?" I asked. "I could have used this when I was filming Hellfire Jones. I wanted to use the actual Oval Office in the movie because it would look more realistic when we blew it up. Whoever the president at that time was wouldn't let me. No wonder that clown isn't in office anymore."

"Sir, a president can only serve two terms. That's why."

"We'll see about that," I said as I tapped on my new desk. "Made out of solid dead tree. Nice. Well, I guess I should start telling the country how great we're doing under my presidency even though just about everyone is dead."

"Yes, sir," Gabby said. "I personally wrote out some talking points..."

"No, thanks. Points don't talk. I talk. I wrote my own speech."

Gabby rolled her eyes again but this time she didn't say anything. That was an improvement.

The camera people were setting up their equipment. Above them were about 50 computer screens organized in five rows.

"Reporters will be able to ask questions virtually," Gabby explained.

"They usually don't like my answers," I said.