Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

Chapter 8

PRESIDENT DAMEN PRICE:

"So, what happens to my soul now?" I asked. There was a smoldering void burning the moldy beige carpet where a brave hero who I already forgot about once stood.

"What are you talking about, Damen?" Gabby asked. Considering I just rehired her, I felt she needed to refer to me as Mr. President.

"I guess I should ask my sex goddess intern who turned out to be a demon and probably knows whether my soul burns for eternity or goes to an all expenses paid cruise to Heaven." I turned to Lilly. "I brought you Mitch what's-his-name. Are we even now?"

Lilly had that confused expression that most people get when talking to me. Then the lightbulb of realization popped over her head.

"Oh, right," she laughed. "I almost forgot that I had that idiot dress up like Satan. Your soul is in no more danger than anyone else."

"That's a relief," I sighed.

"Except everyone's soul is in danger," her teeth gnashed. "My stomach is rumbling. Your soul will make a nice little niblet."

"While she does that, I'll judge his friends harshly," Gabby added. "That will hurt their feelings. Then I'll hurl them into the fiery pit for all eternity. That will suck too."

"This cannot be happening," Faizan cried. A wall of hellfire and heavenfire advanced towards us. It was hard to tell the difference. They were both really hot.

"Wait! There's secret panels and passageways all over the White House underground!" April shouted over the hell/heavenfire which was surprisingly noisy and smelled like rotting incense.

"Oh yeah!" I exclaimed. I wasn't aware of this, but my staff hid a lot of important presidential information from me. I frantically felt along the solid white wall for some latch or hidden panel.

"Is this for real, April?" Faizan asked. "Or is this another conspiracy theory?"

"Who cares. We gotta get out of here!" I shouted. I was banging on the wall, hoping an invisible door would open.

"No, I made the secret passageways up," April admitted. "I got the idea from reading Nancy Drew as a kid, She would always find stuff like that. I was hoping maybe we could too."

"What!" I shouted. "Does that mean we're gonna die! I don't wanna die!"

The flame wall was inching closer to us like in a movie serial or a Hellfire Jones movie. The only difference was that this was really hot and the sparks shot off like deafening firecrackers.

"It's okay," Faizan said to April. "I kind of understand your conspiracy theories now. When things get too crazy, your whacked out ideas must be comforting. They make sense when the world doesn't."

"What do you mean whacked out ideas?" April crossed her arms over her chest and glared at Faizan through those thick glasses that make any eye contact more intense. "Everything I've tried to tell you is true. You've never once been able to disprove me."

I got the feeling those two fought a lot. They reminded me of Tweedledemon and Tweedledeeemon from Hellfire Jones III. Those two were always scrapping and throwing sparks at each other, but never really did anything other than provide comic relief. We didn't need any comic relief at the moment. We needed answers and I was the only one man enough to say so.

"I never read Nancy Drew, so what would she do if there aren't any secret tunnels and crap?" I cried. I was crying only because the heat was upsetting my eyes. Also, I didn't pee my pants again, no matter what anyone said.

"I think Nancy would do this," April said as she stood on tip-toes, embraced Faizan and kissed him. A deep passionate kiss enhanced by the roaring flames that were going to burn our bones and turn our eyeballs to bubbling gelatin.