Hellfire Jones and the Angel Invasion

The World Shall End in Fire...And Slime

Location Location Location.

It's not as important as you'd think. Earth gets a bad rap because it's drifting on the edge of nowhere in a rather insignificant galaxy .

Earth is actually pretty cool. It has the best cookies in the universe. It's the only planet that has music with cool lyrics like 'doo-wop' and 'baby, baby, baby.' Centaurus IV is the only other planet that has cartoons and none of theirs have talking ducks. Despite its out of the way location, Earth is pretty nifty.

On the other hand, what's in the center of the universe? Not much. Some black holes, lots of space dust and Slugotho V.

Despite its central location, Slugotho V is far from a tourist attraction. Voted #1 on the 'Places to Avoid Before You Die' list, the entire prison planet of Perino elected to be beheaded rather than visit. Slugotho V is a nasty shade of puke green that doesn't get any prettier once you get to the surface. The entire landscape is covered with bubbling slime and rancid ooze. It's the kind of place no one could love but a Slugothian.

The Slugothians are slime beings, indistinguishable from the world's surface. They bubble up to catch the rays of the world's twin suns then pop and slither back down to the the depths. Even though earthlings wouldn't even be able to discern signs of life, the Slugothians are actually fairly intelligent. They're just boring.

Many would be surprised they have the same religions as on Earth. Any god worth their salt is going to have worshipers all over the universe. As great as Earth is, the planet's eventually going to be swallowed by the sun. If you want disciples, you've got to diversify.

While the Slugothians share our basic beliefs, they get some things right and some wrong. They've included the Book of the Bug Eyed Spacemen in their Bible, but they don't have Deuteronomy. This is mostly because they can't pronounce it.

They have an Apocalypse and one of their core beliefs is that a new star and a new sun would appear in the sky to herald the end times.

As predicted, on the afternoon of Slugdubble the 14th, twin lights appeared in the sky. One was a burning ball of fire. The other a shining light. As the lights got closer, they coalesced into humanoid forms floating in the air ready to initiate final judgment.

"Hey, Dirk. Aren't we supposed to change our appearance to look like the natives, so they can relate to us better?" Blanche asked. "We look like earthling bipeds"

"I am not turning to slime, Blanche," Dirk scoffed. "Let's just destroy this planet and...hey, are we the only ones here? I thought there was supposed to be a host of angels and a damnation of demons."

"Oh crap!" Blanche hissed. "We're all alone on Slugotho V. Worst assignment ever!"

A slimy green bubble floated up to worship the pair before popping out of existence.

"Does everyone on this planet have such a short attention span?" Dirk sighed. "Gabby and Lilly invited us to kill Mitch Murphy's friends. We should have taken them up on it."

"And let them take the credit?" Blanche said. She dipped her hoof into the green slime then recoiled. "Damn! Maybe you're right."

"Of course I'm right. Did you see how big this planet is? It's going to take just the two of us forever to destroy it in the flames of righteousness and hellfire."

"At least the Slugothians consider you angels the heroes," Blanche said. Her face scrunched up in a grimace when her tail swished the slime pool. "Listen up, Slime Creatures! Heaven was a faceless corporation that had a monopoly on souls. The demons rebelled so we could start our own independent company. Free enterprise! If anyone should be rooting for the underdog, it should be you slime things."

A cacophony of green gurgles popped from the surface before culminating in a loud belch then silencing again.

"I'm not even going to get any satisfaction from killing these things, are you?" Blanche asked.

Dirk turned down the intensity of his golden glowing skin because it was reflecting the planet making him look like a moldy Oscar statue. " Not in the slightest," he answered. "They breed asexually and have no carnal desires. Where's the joy in smiting them if they don't even covet their neighbor's mucus?"

"I know what we should do, if I can escape," Blanche said. She had touched down too close to the planet's surface and her tail was trapped in green muck. "We're going to attack the Greys instead. None of our cowardly brethren have ever had the courage to take on our common alien enemies. That'll land us some choice assignments and some recognition finally. Are you with me?"

"No, because you're trapped in puke green sludge," Dirk said.

"If I manage to escape, are you with me?"

Dirk said nothing. He hovered motionless in the air. Blanche pulled her tail in an epic tug of war with the mucky planet. Somewhere. a farting noise echoed over the slime covered waters, warning of the End of Days.

As far as apocalypses went, this one wasn't terribly memorable.

852 words  (27,278 total)