Déja Vu

Eighteen

That lecture we share with Interior design students was that one time I looked forward to every week. They're pretty fun students. And I had Sam sitting right in front of or behind me with his friends, and it was always a great opportunity to annoy him. Or when his friends side with me and call me 'his sister-in-law', I used to film that to Olivia and have her paint the largest smile ever on her face. But today doesn't seem real, doesn't even make sense. It's so...quite, so dull, even the entire class had noticed the difference. Sam was just sitting there on his own at the very end desk, hood on a lifeless face, like all his colours have been absorbed out of his face. None of his friends were there with him, except for Adam sitting right behind him. I don't know how to feel, or what to do. I want to break his neck and smash his skull for making my sister cry her heart out for the past three days, but in the same time I want to listen to him because about ninety percent of me is certain he'd never do that. Sam is deadly in love with Olivia, he'd never like ever cheat on her. He has never even eyed any other girl in her presence or behind her back. We've known him for four years now, and ever since the day he entered Olivia's life we've seen him around almost every day. He's been around her family, around her sisters, he's friends with every single friend of hers and everybody knows who he really is.

And whatever I've heard from Olivia, that wasn't him or even an inch close to him.

Seeing how miserable he looked today just added to my point.

I'm fully charged with opposing thoughts and emotions. I know Sam wouldn't sleep around with some other girl, but Olivia has seen the chats on his phone after Madonna had sent her screenshots. What adds more shock to the story that it was Madonna, who have seen them around for the past year and witnessed their love glow brighter day by day. How could she? She was supposed to be our friend.

Sam was supposed to be Olivia's man and not anyone else's.

I try to shake myself out of my head every time I zone off to stay focused on class, but I'm pretty sure everything had just evaporated from my mind. Those past few days weren't easy for me or for everyone around me. Olivia can hardly get out of bed, my parents are both mad and broken, Carson is preparing to move, Andy has been around every day trying to talk to Olivia, and Dain...hardly talks to me. I don't know what's wrong with him, I even apologized for not telling him about the kiss thing and he admitted to have overreacted. We were fine after we came back from that beach trip but now we rarely interact. He texted me a few times to check up on Olivia, calls me sometimes but other than that nothing. He does wait for me by the door to leave together, but just for that purpose. He picks me up to have me in his space as we drive back home, drops me off and I don't hear a single thing from him for the rest of the day. His silence is scary but his voice is uncomfortable, kind of his presence is hurting me. I don't know what I want from him, I need him off my life but not completely out of it. I want to break up with him but I still can't expel him out of my life. What's driving me crazy is how both of us keep hurting, he's obsessed and I'm in love with another one, but I can't bring myself to stay away from him. Dain's been in my life for two years, dated me for a year, exists in almost every memory I have, the thought of him suddenly leaving my life is hard. I don't want him but I want the thought of him being here. I still remember the day he asked me out, how happy felt, how wanted he made me feel.

And how I spent the next day thinking about Adam.

This is confusing and I currently don't have time for it, my sister is more important.

The noise of chairs scraping against the floor snapped me back to the present, only to realize the professor had already left. Sam's desk was empty when I looked for it, so was Adam's. I scan the crowd for them but they're nowhere to be seen. This was my chance to talk to him, or at least to Adam. I keep searching until my eyes fall on an etiolated tall figure just about to leave the room but stopped by a friend. I drag my bag and jump in between the maze of people with no idea what I would say anyway. I want to question him, to pull the story out of him, I even want to bury him alive, but I'm still hoping for a misunderstanding. A heartbreak hurts, but seeing your own sister heartbroken while you're standing there helpless, is a stab.