The Wings Of A Caged Bird | First Draft

chapter 39: only once, will i love

I come out of the bathroom after a shower, but when I go to my room, July wasn't there.

It's pouring outside. Tiara, July, and I came back home after the wedding, but the others went to visit grandpa in the hospital. Tiara and I wanted to go too, but aunt Sayra said it's best to not keep the house empty for so long, that we can go tomorrow instead. Right now, Tiara is sleeping in her own room. I go and check the veranda, and just as I expected, July is standing there, watching the rain.

I go over to him. Tbe windchime is dancing in the breeze. The forest is covered by a foggy mist. When I reach him, I see his hand outstretched under the rain. But the drops go right by, not waiting to wet his skin. From the back, he looks very lonely. I go and put my own hand under his. The rain drops accumulate in my palm, and hence, they accumulate on his. He watches the sight and soon, a smile blooms in his face, as bright as sunshine.

He then looks at me and says, "Sometimes I really feel like I don't deserve you."

"Don't say that." I give him a hard look.

He puts his hand down, and so do I. For a moment, the two of us take in the scenery of the drizzle. He breaks the silence, saying, "Say . . . isn't there any way to get your phone back without you having to meet up with that guy?"

"Hmm?" I frown. "Why? Is it because he was- you know, flirting with me? Oh come on July, you know I'm not affected by those things."

"You were affected when it came to Autumn," he retorts in a sulky tone.

"Autumn? She didn't flirt with me."

"Yeah, you flirted with her." He rolls his eyes.

I sigh. "That was- look, that was different okay? I was in a weird state of mind. And it's only now that I look back to it do I realize that I felt absolutely nothing for her except for like, a momentary fascination. It was completely different from how I feel about you."

"Well, how do you feel about me?" He turns his body to my direction.  "How do you know that it's different, because- because how do you define it? That guy from earlier. He was asking you, wasn't he? If you might be demisexual. I don't know anything about . . . who or what you're attracted to, how these things work for you-"

"July, I kissed you!" I say with exasperation, not believing my ears. He presses his lips together. "And I've never done that with anyone before. I- do you seriously think I would do that to just anyone? Do you seriously think I didn't think this through? I took so much time hyperanalyzing every single one of my emotions, and hurt you so much in the process too- all for what? For you to say I don't know my own feelings? I don't care whether I'm demisexual or bisexual or I don't know, even gay—trust me I don't. But I don't need these labels to define what I feel for you is genuine and I've never felt like this for anyone before and-"

"Okay okay! I'm sorry." He looks a little scared and very guilty as he comes closer to me and holds my arms. "I'm really sorry, Cedar. I was just- what I said was really stupid. I don't know what's wrong with me. I get too emotional these days. I just . . . " He shakes his head. "I'm sorry. You don't have to explain yourself. It's not that I doubt anything between us. It's my mind playing all these tricks on me, I don't know why. Please don't be mad."

We stare at each other for a while. Our eye levels are now perfectly aligned, though his used to be a bit higher in the beginning. It's true, he does seem to be on the edge a little more the past few days. I thought I would be the one in that state, and he would calmly go through it all, because he always seemed much more mature and level-headed than me. So seeing him in this state makes me worried, even sad.

"Cedar? Are you mad?"

"I'm not." I wrap my arm around his waist and pull him to a hug. His hands move from my arms to my shoulders. "It's okay, July. Take it easy. Don't think too much about anything. You don't have to anymore. Let's just enjoy the time we have."