The Wings Of A Caged Bird | First Draft

chapter 55: the final dance

15 August, 2019

"You're still not going to show me what you're drawing?" I ask, propping my head on my elbow.

"Nopes," he grins mischievously, "it's a surprise for your birthday."

July has been drawing at a stretch since after we came back to the hotel yesterday, but he won't let me see what he's working on. He didn't draw anything for a while in the middle, but started again more than a week ago. He only drew when I was sleeping, so I never noticed.

"So I can assume that you're drawing me?" I ask.

"Of course, what else?"

"Then show meeee." I try to grab the sketchbook.

But he pulls it over his head. "Laterrrr."

I scowl at him, then pick up Norwegian Wood with a hmph.

"How many more notes left?" he asks.

"Not too many." It makes me both relieved and sad at the same time. I am afraid of reading his words, but I want to read more and more, as if it could somehow fill up the hole he left in my life.

The next note is placed soon after Toru returns back to the dorm from the sanatorium, saying goodbye to his Naoko. Dawn has written-

Dear Cedar,

I find it quite mesmerizing how constantly Naoko fills Toru's mind. His thoughts might not always be pure, but Naoko means something so irreplaceable to him. And I find it quite special. Aren't we the same? Maybe your love for me is different than Toru's love for Naoko. But I still wish that you will think of me often. That's the only way I can stay alive in the material world."

— D

Little does he know, that even if I willingly tried to stop thinking about him, I would fail. I am sure there will come a day when my grief will have slowly numb down. I can't do anything about it. It is the course of nature, our brains are wired to be that way. But Dawn's influence is so intricately tied with my existence, that it is nearly impossible for me to forget him.

The next note is several pages later, during which Toru and Midori have a long conversation about nothing in particular and everything in particular.

Dear Cedar,

I enjoy reading the conversations between Toru and Midori, because they're both so different, and yet they somehow click together so well. The conversations are so whimsical, jumping from one topic to another. It makes me think back to the kind of conversations we had. For some reason, I can't remember them with too much clarity anymore. Maybe because we talked about random things too? And I took them all for granted. It's been a while since we have talked about random things. If I get to be born again and live again as Dawn then I will make sure to talk with you a lot more.

— D

I try to think back as well, to a random conversation between me and Dawn. There are many that do come to mind. But only in snippets of dialogues instead of the whole thing. As he said, there isn't much clarity in them. I can't pinpoint the exact setting, at what positions we were standing or sitting or lying, what the colour of the sky was, and what the mood was like.

If I already can't recall these little things, then how will I clutch his memories till my last breath?

And what about my memories of July? Forty days compared to sixteen years might seem miniscule. But the forty days were life changing for me. So maybe I will remember for long. But I can imagine that every time I reminisce about July, I would feel a sense of incompleteness, like starting a book, enjoying it, but dropping it hundred pages to the end.