The Wings Of A Caged Bird | First Draft

chapter 18 : you are a gift to me

"What— what do you . . . mean?"

Of course I know what he means. But I want to confirm if what my ears just heard, or what my eyes just saw, or what my hands just did not feel are all miraculously just a joke, or a sick prank, or a dream, or a figment of my imagination. This can't be it. I must still be unconscious. I must have fainted on the way out of dehydration, or heat stroke. Something definitely happened. Anything, anything at all, that can prove what I am facing right now to not be true. Anything at all.

He slowly sits down again, hugging his knees. It seems like he wants to cry, but his tears are all dried up. I watch him with a heart sinking faster than I was five hours ago. I couldn't control my mouth up there on the hilltop, but now, no matter how much I try, I can't get a single syllable out of my mouth. How ironic.

I sit down on the ground across from him, and wait for the words to magically materialize in my mouth. My hands unconsciously move to his wrists, only to pass through like smoke. Still in disbelief, I try to touch his head, his back, his knees, anything — but my fingers feel nothing solid on him. As if suddenly realizing how close I am, he quickly moves back, away from me, like I told him to.

I bite my lips. "July . . ." Oh God, I'm so exhausted to speak.

July is staring at the ground with his eyes widened a little more than normal; it's hard to pinpoint the exact emotion that is being reflected on his face, probably because there are tons of emotions jumbled up together.

I need to get myself together. So I clear my throat and say, "July, listen to me. It's okay." Wow, that was really helpful. That really fixed everything, Cedar. But what am I supposed to say in such a situation? I have no idea at all. Nothing is coming to mind. I still try again, "Look, it, um, it doesn't matter if you can't touch me anymore-"

"A-are you okay?" he suddenly asks.

"Huh?"

His eyes drive to me, then scans my whole body. "Are you hurt somewhere?" His voice holds both fear and desperation. "I-it must've hurt so much, f-f-falling from so high. And I- I couldn't even do anything. I'm sorry, Cedar. I'm so worthless. Does it still hurt?"

I am so shocked that it takes me a while to process everything he is saying, so I just stare at him while his gaze moves all over me, seemingly scanning for wounds. Then it hits me. He isn't like this simply because of becoming intangible to me. He is like this because he blames himself for what happened.

Wait.

Why in the world is he apologizing to me, when it should be the other way round?!

Surprised, I begin, "July, you-"

"Trust me, I tried to save you," he says urgently, his eyes still widened to their limits. He begins to talk in a high speed. "I really did. Please, trust me. I didn't just stand there. I- I did everything I could. I came down the cliff and started looking for a log that I could use to pull you out. 'Cause- 'cause I can't directly t-t-touch you underwater, you remember? So I-" He coughs a few times, definitely from talking too fast at a stretch, and then continues again. "So I looked for a log and I found it but- but it was too heavy- I couldn't-" He pauses. His eyes are everywhere but on me, and his hand is repeatedly hitting his thigh.

Quickly, I tell him, "July, July. Stop. Stop, please— listen to me. July!" I try to grab his hands but I can't. Oh God, I can't. "July, please stop. Please. Listen to me." I can't believe this. I'm supposed to be the one repenting, I'm supposed to be the one apologising. This is so messed up.