Nepenthe | Sapnap |

Thirty Degrees Under the Stars

We found nothing.

There were absolutely no anomalies out on the trail this morning.

I rolled over in bed for the third time in the past half hour as I just ran everything that has happened through my brain. Nick was sleeping soundlessly with his arm thrown over my waist, blissfully unaware of the battlefield that is my mind right now and the constant flipping back and forth I've done under the blanket since we went to bed hours ago.

Letting out a sigh, I opened my eyes to stare at the blank wall in front of me. The feeling of Nick's small breaths on the back of my neck kept me from getting up and pacing the room.

Techno had left to go see what he can find out about the people who have left the tracks over by the lookout trails and see if there is any correlation to the low number of infected we've seen in the past few months. He has some theory that maybe the group of survivors out there are killing the infected that would have eventually wandered onto our trails.

All while Clay's theory is that these people are hostile and are spending the time to learn our patterning and patrol runs. As he says, "Why else would the only infected we've seen be that horde that came out of nowhere after Alex and then the one found in the barn?"

Phil and I honestly don't know what's happening nor what to even think. We want to see the positive in Techno's theory, but we can't just ignore Clay's and possibly endanger everyone in Jackson.

It felt like Pittsburgh all over again.

Rolling over once again, but this time to face Nick. I nuzzled my face into his neck as my head pushed up underneath his chin as I threw my arm over his waist. He stirred for a moment only to wrap his arms tighter around me before loosening his grip like he was subconsciously giving me a hug.

Nick is like my... emotional support human. He's my person. Just in this past month alone, I don't think I've ever been more comfortable with a person. Being with him brings such a sense of calm to me. Ignoring the fucking fat crush I have on him, things never felt forced nor pressured when we're together.

We don't have to talk; we can just as easily sit in silence doing different tasks. We can make terrible jokes without having to worry about what the other thinks about each other if they don't land right. We can lay in each other's arms without a care in the world and simply just be comfortable and fall asleep.

More reasons why I don't want to tell him how I feel. I can't just lift my head up and say, "hey, by the way I really, really like you and if you don't mutually feel the same, we can just continue cuddling and sleeping in each other's beds."

Mostly due to the fact that I, personally, know my own feelings towards him have changed since we started hanging out and talking every day. From what use to be just a normal, little attraction to a person on your team, thinking that they were cute in their mushroom hat to imagining what it feels like to have their stubble rubbing against your face as you kiss and literally acting like you're in a relationship but not having any other label besides 'friends'.

Granted my feelings have technically grown, what have his done?

If my feelings have changed, his feelings most likely have too. But what if they didn't go in the same direction as mine?

What am I to him? Am I his person as well? Am I just a friend that he can cuddle when he's feeling a bit touch starved and these are just platonic cuddles? Does he still see me the same way Clay told me he does back in the beginning of December? That he likes spending time with me and indirectly saying that he likes me.

I just need to stop thinking. I was never going to get any sleep at this point. We most likely have patrol in a couple hours. Lifting my head to check the clock was probably not the best idea since I'll probably start overthinking about how much sleep I've lost and my brain will just keep going around in circles.