Nepenthe | Sapnap |

Endless Cycle

The back of my jeans were damp as I sat with my legs crossed on the dewy grass early in the morning. Nick and the others have already left for patrol with the newcomers that were interested in joining the team and I was pretty much back to where I was before the new group.

Doing absolutely nothing. Feeling useless once more and I was fucking sick and tired of it. I was done with having the same thoughts over and over again.

Only thing I had planned for today was the daily instruction and so-called lessons with Karl and George who were very slowly making progress on their firearms. Archery was easily a no go with either one. They didn't really need it anyway, they know how to work a knife and can easily overpower something or someone with their natural strength, which is a lot more than you would guess with how thin they look.

Plucking the grass blades in front of me, I was trying to remember the knots that Luke taught me a couple weeks ago, but it was useless. My mind kept getting muddled and nothing kept tight, so I ended up tying the grass in simple bows before tossing it to the side to pluck a new one from the ground.

My eyes squinted as I looked up slightly to gaze up at the sky. As time passed the sky was slowly starting to get covered in light gray clouds.

"I hope it rains." I said out loud. "It could help melt some of the snow mounds around here. I'm tired of looking at snow. I don't like it as much as I used to."

I tossed another grass bow in front of me.

"I understand why people can't stand snow anymore. It's pretty until touched, after that..." I took a deep breath. "It's too easily damaged. Gets dirty fast."

I scratched the back of my neck. My skin started to feel itchy with the constant touch of grass.

"Ya know what I don't understand though? I don't get it when people visit a grave, they stand in front of the tombstone to talk to it. Like you're in the ground and they are just standing on top of you and talking to a piece of rock."

It has been a month since everything happened. Today was February 7th and I could barely sleep a wink last night. So, the moment the horses went out and past the gates, I went to pay my friend a visit, thinking maybe that would help.

I didn't even know what I was doing here, but there I was sitting on the side of Techno's grave making little grass bows and talking downwards to some dirt.

"Sometimes I wish I had some kind of religion I believed in or was a part of. Just so I guess I can have that piece of mind that you're doing okay, but I don't... What even happens after death? Are we judged and placed somewhere depending on if we sinned or repented? Is there reincarnation? Does everyone become ghosts and just wander the world eavesdropping on everything? I... I don't know."

Another bow was tossed onto the dirt as my thoughts kept spiraling.

"Guess you could technically say I'm afraid of death. But not for myself, for the people around me. I don't care what happens to me. I'm not an idiot though. I know I will be scared of dying but if it saves the people around me for a little bit longer, I'll gladly just float in the universe for not having any beliefs."

I cracked my wrists as I looked up from my fingers to glance over at the tombstone at the top of the grave.

"Although, I do hope death is a little more interesting than just black and full of nothing. I don't like doing nothing." I mumbled out with a bit of a nervous chuckle following soon after. "I hope you are well though. You deserve it."

I grew quiet once more and thankfully my thoughts did as well since my attention shifted to focusing back on the grass blades in front of me. I wasn't even paying that close attention to how many I made or screwed up so much that the piece of grass grew weak and flimsy before I had to pluck a new one when footfalls approached where I was seated.