"i'm not scared of you, or the blood you have on your hands, or the fear you hide behind your knuckles. you're quiet, and naive, yet you've seen all the dangerous depths of the world. it makes you dark, disruptive. nevertheless, i cannot be scared o...
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Her hands reached up to stroke my face, her eyes blinking rapidly, seemingly to clear the blur in her vision.
She broke into laughter "I guess you aren't some 40 year old man"
I wanted to cry. I wanted desperately to cry. I squeezed my eyes shut, dragging her back into my embrace as a tear trickled down my face. We shared no words but the song of silence.
"Winwin, the person I saved back then, drenched with blood on the floor, was you, right?"
My eyes snapped open. The memories of Minsu's dark eyes and merciless posture was rushing back to me. They say the ones you would let put a gun to your head was the one behind the trigger. But he pulled it, and from that day on, he was no longer anything to me. He was dead, in my eyes.
"I don't want to think about that time again" I shook my head. I knew Sooah was trying to uncover our pasts, but at this point, my past was nothing but mere history. I want to forget everything that happened to me years ago. I want to bury it deep into the ground and let it rot there. Rotten memories, I hated them.
We parted from our embrace. Her eyes were shimmering against the sun. I wanted to stay like this forever, breathe in the ocean air and bathe in the comfort of the sand. It felt all too much like a dream, as if it'll end in a snap of a finger.
Her hand explored my face, running down my nose, to my jaw, down to my adam's apple.
"Did you expect me to look like this?" I asked, smiling as her eyes flickered between every facial feature of mine.
"I don't know" She laughed "I never built an image of you in my head. All I knew was that I wanted to see you one day. I wanted to see the man I fell in love with. I never built a version of you in my head; it felt to fake too do so"
I clasped her hand that was cupped around my cheek.
"Before, my touch was my eyes. I touched every part of your face in an attempt to see you. But now that I'm actually seeing you, it's feels surreal. I wonder how Kuri is going to react to me without needing to take him everywhere"
I placed my forehead against hers, humming in response. There was so much life in her eyes. So naive, and pure, that I was scared the real world would destroy her.
I leaned in to feel her lips against mine, but instead, my phone broke the bubble we were in. Annoyed, I slipped it out of my pocket and placed it on my ear. She laughed, placing her head on my shoulder and she continued to admire the painting of the ocean.
"Is this Mr. Dong?"
I knew something was off the moment I heard my real name come from this foreign voice.
"Yes" My voice was weak and Sooah immediately took notice. She furrowed her eyebrows, glancing up at my uneasy expression.
"You might want to come to the hospital"
•••
I rushed into the room, throwing the door open. I stopped dead in front of my mothers hospital bed. My heart dropped. My world muted.
"She..." The doctor glanced at me with not only solemnness, but a hint of confusion "Something undetected must have caused her to lose consciousness, then lead to death but...we're not sure at the moment"
Everything in my body turned rigid, my eyes penetrating through the monitor that rung with one single beep.
"Winwin" Sooah's fingers hooked mine, but I didn't have the slightest energy to even move. Before I knew it, I crashed to the floor, my knees slamming against the carpet.
"Why did you have to leave me when things just got better?" I cried in broken korean. My mother left the biggest and most beautiful footprint in this world. I had always wished to leave my footprint next to hers, to walk alongside each other, hand in hand as we accept the beauty of death. But now, all I could do was mourn, and mourn, and mourn, over such sudden tragedy that I could barely comprehend.
My mother had always been my shield against my father. She fought off everything and anything for me to be here, losing her was like losing my shell. I no longer had something that kept me warm and safe. I was vulnerable all over again. Although, it would be a lie to say I didn't expect this. I knew, sooner or later, this day would come, but I didn't expect it to come this quickly.
All this time I had wasted on killing and seeking revenge, I could've spent with my mother. Regret was all I could feel. 'You never realise what you've lost until you've lost it' felt insanely real now. So real it hurt.
Just like that, Sooah was the one who scooped me into her embrace, as we just sat in a pile on the floor, soaking in the sadness of a passing.
Now I wonder, all those lives I've killed, were they like me, self-destructing on the hospital floor, grieving the loss of their loved ones?
Because god, is this painful.
•••
Sooah was coughing, violently, but she just told me she choked on a piece of food. She hadn't been 100% comfortable with seeing everything so brightly yet, so she's been staying around me constantly. I didn't mind. She made my sorrow much lighter.
Though, I still thought something was strange. My mothers condition had always been stable, not once had it had a situation where she would be close to death. She had been in a coma for ages, yet, the doctors assured me she would wake up in a couple weeks.
I stood in front of her grave, clutching a bouquet of flowers. I had realised how severely my life was tumbling down hills — Im losing all my loved ones: Yangyang, my mother, and I had almost lost Sooah before too. Crouching down, I placed my knees against the dirt, gently putting the flowers at her grave and bowed my head down. My hair ruffled against the wind, a tear trickling down my cheek unnoticed. A hand was placed on my shoulder. I knew it was Sooah's. I could smell her scent from a mile away.
As I stood up, a figure in a black suit grasped my arm and pulled me away in the most abrupt way possible.
"What the hell" I brushed his hand off, darting my gaze to identify this anonymous figure. He flickered his eyes upwards, his facial features revealed from under his umbrella.
"Taeyong?" I furrowed my eyebrows, grabbing him by the arm and pushing him behind the tree. I didn't want Sooah seeing me talking to a guy from the 'wrestling arena'
"I have a suspicion" He cut straight to the chase, lowering his voice down to a whisper.
"What?" I whispered back
"I think someone purposely killed your mother"
My eyes snapped open. I was shocked, but I knew I had same suspicion as well.
