sage | karl jacobs

2

Karl.

His name ran through my head at a million miles a minute, followed by his voice, his eyes, his laugh, his touch. It all hit me like a brick. It was nothing I could've ever imagined. Everywhere I walked in that house, memories attacked me, suffocated me. Every I love you, every fight, every kiss, every yell. Everything kept coming back. 

Why didn't I remember this when I woke up? Why couldn't I remember people I loved? Do I still love them? I didn't remember Violet, nor Karl. I'm guessing I loved those two people more than my own life itself. I couldn't do anything without being reminded of him. 

So, I sit here, on my bedroom floor, staring at the charging phone next to me. I've been able to do everything the exact way I left it. I can cook, I can do laundry. I remembered the passcode to my phone. I turn to my side, unplugging the device. I navigate myself to my contacts, calling the one under Karl. The other side rings for what seems like forever, until a click comes from the other side. It's silent. I can hear uneven breaths that are somewhat shaky.

"Sage?" the voice asks quietly. "You're alive?"

I can't help but smile at his voice, tears welling in my eyes. "I am," I say, a wet laugh leaving my throat. "Are you ok?" I can tell he's nervous, caught off guard. It doesn't feel like last time we talked, but I don't remember when that was or what it was about. "I am."

He laughs, and I can just tell he's crying from how it came out. "I'm not hallucinating, right? You're actually alive, and ok?"

"Karl, I am alive and ok." An oh my God leaves his lips, followed by more muffled crying. "Karl?"

"I'm going to FaceTime you in a second, I need to make sure you're real," he says, followed by a deep breath. The screen lights up, and my fingers slide across it to answer the call. His face illuminates my screen. His once brown hair with blond tips was now completely brown, and his once happy eyes weren't anymore. Tears had stained his cheeks, and his face was tinted red. He looked as if he hadn't slept in days.

The second he sees me he starts to cry, harder than what I had heard over the phone. I don't remember every seeing him cry like this before. His tears and repeated phrases made me cry. All I want to do is hold him right now. I open my mouth to tell him, but I get caught off by someone in the background.

"Hey, Karl? We need you over here," a voice says, followed by asking is he was ok. He nodded, turning back to me. "I love you so much Sage, I'll talk later, ok? Jimmy needs me." I nod, and the tears fall even harder than before when the screen turned black. 

*** 

"No, Sage! You don't understand! How could you ever understand? You're still in college, ok? You have a whole life ahead of you! You only have 2 years left! Don't drop out like me, please! I literally make my money from random people on the internet and from filming! You don't want to have to fall into that, or work at a grocery store your whole life! I don't even want it anymore! You can't drop out of college, ok?" 

His yells echoed my house and brain. Over and over again. "I don't want to do this anymore, Karl! It's not something I want to put up with for 2 more years! I don't want to get up every morning at 6 to get stuck in traffic, then sit in a desk all day! It's not something I want to do my whole life! I don't care how much money I make! I just want to be happy!"

"You're not happy?" he says, voice smaller. Something seems to click in his brain, like the words had twisted and grown into something he wanted to keep private. But the roots had grown into that bubble, releasing everything he kept inside. His small voice grew until he was yelling again.

"How the hell are you not happy, Sage! You literally have everything you've ever wanted! You grew up with 2 loving parents that never fought and made money! You are good in school, and you always have been! You had friends there, too! Your parents pay for your tuition and your bills! You've never had to fight for anything in your life! It just gets handed to you on a fucking silver platter!"

He stops and thinks before continuing. I can tell he regrets what he said, but he knows there's no going back. 

"And, you have me! I literally ran 5 miles in the snow, after a week of dating, because you said you wanted to kiss somebody in it! I give you everything you want! I love you and I care for you! I listen to you, and I help you! I've put up with your bullshit for years! Every time you lied, and made me cry, I stayed! I fucking stayed because I love you! Every time you've done stupid things, I stuck around and defended you! I'm so fucking sick of it, Sage! You can't keep acting like a bitch every time you have a mental breakdown! I'm done sitting here and picking up your messes while you watch me do it!"

Tears were now on his cheeks, streaming more down every second. The hands that were making gestures while he talked now rested to his sides. I look to the floor, seeing the uneven floorboards move whenever I shifted on it. I couldn't look at him right now. I don't want to cry. 

"Nothing?" he yells. Silence. I can't think of anything to say to him. He was right. I put him through hell. I never apologized nor helped him. I couldn't even apologize now, since I didn't even know if I was sorry. He mumbles words that I make out to be, "Are you fucking kidding me?"

I hear his hands moved, then the sound of a small metal object hitting the floor. "We're done, Sage. We're fucking done. I'm so over this shit." He tugs on his shoes, turning to leave my house. I manage to find words, but they came out as choked sobs. The door slams behind him, ratting the house. I hear his car turn on and drive away. 

I fall on my knees, crying and screaming harder than I ever had before. I look up after a minute to see his side of the matching ring on the ground, one of the gemstones fallen out of place. 

For days I had called him, trying to apologize, or just to hear his voice from his voicemail. I even moved home. I had never been so low in my life.

***

I stare back down at the phone, turning to look in the camera to see tears staining my cheeks. So, I had broken his heart, and he still came and stayed with me when I was in a coma?

The time at the top left corner of the screen had read 9:42 p.m.

I want to apologize to him. Ever since I remembered him and recalled the memories, I had never missed someone more in my life. I couldn't call him, though, he was with Jimmy. If I even wanted to have him as a friend again or have him in my life I needed to start over. And I needed to respect him. 

I stand up, walking into the kitchen. I open the fridge, grabbing cookies I had made this morning. I walk to the living room, container in lap. The TV turns on, followed by the HBO Max logo. I turn on some random movie I'm not even going to watch, settling into this newfound hatred of myself. 

A knock on the front door pulls me out of the movie I ended up actually watching, so I paused it. I keep a blanket wrapped around my body as I walk to the door. I don't really care who's there, so I don't check through the peephole. I unlock both locks, turning the handle, then I'm met by a familiar pair of arms wrapped around my waist. 

"It's actually you," the voice says, who I immediately recognize.

"I told you it's me, Karl," I reply, dropping the blanket, pulling the boy into a tight hug.